First love

By Mehmooda Khan

They say first love is a love of a lifetime. True that! You can never forget your first love, you can never erase those memories. It's destined to be with you wherever you go, in whatever you do, you relate every incidence in your life to that.

June 2018, Midday

Rainy season it was. Probably the first time we were meeting after confessing our feelings for each other. The college campus was full of students but nobody really bothered us as long as we were together. Standing side by side with the fence supporting our back and some leaves of a tree sheltering us, we were talking about each other. The water drops on the leaves would secretly fall on one of us, and the cool breeze added to the romantic vibe around.

It started raining drop by drop, and thanks to the small number of leaves sheltering us, we had to get close to save ourselves from getting wet. His shoulders brushed against mine and we stole an eye contact. This was the closest I had ever been with anybody. He smelled heavenly!

It felt like we were the only humans alive on this planet at that time. We didn't talk much, but felt a lot. Slowly, he entangled his baby finger with mine. AND TRUST ME THAT'S THE BEST THING A GUY COULD EVER DO TO YOU! I felt like someone gave me a 440V current at that time and all of a sudden released it. It was a fraction of excitement followed by a minute of peace and security.

Slowly and gradually he entangled all his fingers with mine, and his pace made me fall in love with him all over again, again and again.

His veiny hands were a complete pleasure to the eyes. I wished to be cursed to stay in that moment forever...always and forever.

It's in the hands! I tell you, it's always in the hands.

January 2020

We met after almost 2 years since our breakup.

He felt the same today, even after so many days.

His perfume gave the same vibe, his presence gave the same warmth, his eyes told the same story, his voice gave the same old peace.

Even after all these days, he didn't change.

People say, leave the past in the past or it will destroy the future.

But no matter how hard we try, our past stays with us, somewhere in the corner, occupying the most negligible part of our heart.

There's no use running from it.

Accept it.

Embrace it.

It was you!

Be proud of it.

Its okay if you were vulnerable, its okay if you were impulsive, its okay if you were broken or worried, its okayyy!

Even pillars are made of broken pieces.

July 2022

I met him after years yesterday. It's bizarre how differently similar he felt. The same smile, the same hands, the same way of talking, the same feeling I always had around him... A sense of security, a sense of comfort wrapped in a feeling of home. There was no awkwardness or shyness, it didn't feel like we were meeting after years, it felt like we've been in contact since forever. You know these kind of relationships where you are literally in no contact with someone but as soon as you meet them, it feels like home. There's this thing about him you know, the way he makes me understand things without actually making me feel dumb. I've said this before and am saying it again, First's will always have a different place in your heart. You know people say that you can't be friends with your exes, it's awkward, it's weird, it's wrong. But just hear me out okay, if there's a person who knows you so well, who understands you so well, who cares for you so well, but you break up for whatever reasons, that love shouldn't go. It shouldn't be like everything is done and dusted. That person meant something to you at some point in your life and no matter if they don't mean the same to you now, I believe those moments should be respected. Not like you want them back in your life, but more like they meant so much to you once and you just want them to do great in life and be happy and successful because you love them. Now there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. You can love someone and wish the world to them without wanting them as your lover. See the point is, if you love someone, you can't unlove them. The love stays, maybe in a different form. Or maybe am not making any sense. I don't know. But I am no Guru, I am just saying what I feel. And it's okay if someone doesn't agree, they don't have to. And you don't have to think about others, it's your life so make your own philosophy and do what you feel. You might be proven wrong, no harm in that. We're all learning, we're all growing.

By Mehmooda Khan