Faking Through Life

By Kruthi Deepthi Lakkaraju

Was I born to lose?

I never actually believed that

but why do I go on with my life this way?

Days pass, and in a blink, I realise it’s been a decade.

All the plans I made and the dreams I had, remain unachieved.

Whenever I look back now, I am reminded of heart-wrenching scenes,

including the times I was hunched over my homework,

fixing my glasses into place, only to have them slide down my nose within seconds.

While the relatives that visited the house had generous compliments for me,

in your view, I was always inferior to my cousins —

not outgoing like them, not eloquent, and just plain boring.

I wouldn’t dare point out that they go on a family trip every six months

or mention their music classes and extracurriculars.

When was the last time we went somewhere other than the ancestral village?

Compared to their busy schedule, my humble routine of school and home

seemed downright silly, and we had nothing to discuss.

Although not interested in athletics, I partook in the mandatory sports at school.

Half-hearted, whatever I did, resulted in failures.

I tried to conform, suit your beliefs, to be like everyone else.

Alas, my passion was for pen and paper!

When I was not reading fiction that transported me into another world,

you could find me doodling or scribbling — crafting one for myself.

But it can’t fetch me money, you said,

and even if I was talented, what use is fame minus the riches?

Practicality paved the way for my bland existence, passing the life stages as expected.

Years it took to buy enough luxuries, to vie with my peers,

and now eligible to call myself a success — with the material wealth earned.

Yet, I feel like I’ve lost.

Perhaps because as I had been faking through life,

the thing I failed to covet was mental peace.

By Kruthi Deepthi Lakkaraju