Enchantments

By Shivani Singh

Yes, life may seem dull at times, and the things you love keeps changing, it never stays or probably changes its basic atomic combinations to convert into a different nature than the one you fell in love with. And just like that, my life changed to be something good, not necessarily easier.

Remember when you are afraid to change because it seems too familiar, the toxic comfort that it carries it with itself. I know it's hard to change directions and chose the path you have not trod on yet. To actually listen to your voice and be out there, out of that gate that laid open forever, but you were too scared to cross it.

When I got out of school, all I wanted to do was make my parents proud, make them happy like any other child would do. And in that trying to do everything, that sheer pressure of getting into a good college, and then eventually not getting it, to the pressure of sitting at home for a year taking a leap. What would people say? "I couldn't even get in NLU, not like it was an IIT! You couldn't even qualify CLAT. How stupid are you?" And just like that, the doors still open, I decided to be in the cage and chose whatever college I got first into.

Did the world matter at that moment? No. Did my one single parent alive to see me mattered? Yes. Was she not influenced by the solemn criteria of kya kahege log? hell yes!

Was she happy that I got into a Sarkari college? Not really, but was it better than taking a year off? Yes

And as the barricades grew closer to me, and I saw it closing in, with the door still open, and of the same size, what did I do? I decided to squeeze myself, but not without the effort of putting a step out.

The sun was too hot, and as it burned my feet, with my hope of getting into NLU due to financial reasons, which didn't exist, for I knew the real reason, and it was me getting too far from her. I retracted my step in and succumbed, turning into this round shape fur ball, in that rectangle jail with enough space for movement.

And as the world around and outside as I saw it, grew larger, taller and stronger, I felt tiny. My tiny feet could now be easily crushed by the enormous giant that lay outside.

But who was this giant?

It was me, my other half, unafraid of growing stronger day by day, dreaming and flying, wandering and running through the mires and sand, the ocean and gardens just to catch that butterfly. I would lose sight of it for days. Weeks and months would pass before I see him again. Sometimes it would bring someone with him and hold it right outside the wretched door, just within my grasp. All I had to do was take the step outside.

So, one day, while in my college days, I decided to. And as I put a step out, the bait moved back; you got walk a little first, it said. The sun was too bright, but the breeze was cold. It felt good for a little. But then, as it moved further away, the storm hit and it started pouring down. I was soaking wet, with chattering teeth, holding myself in a hug, I lunged forward falling in a deep puddle. The dirt was now all I could see, but deep down I knew the bait lingered somewhere over. And then something familiar touched me. It was my jail, a little wider now, but the doors were the same size.

Mustering all the courage, I stood up; the storm drummed in, with the hail beating on, and my vision blurry. The giant faded away yet again and the mighty calm jail stood there, winning and happy.

As I took a step in, it jolted with joy, for while it became peaceful, all the dirt washed away with my clothes dry again. The hail ceased and yet again it was a bright day outside with the giant in a far way land.

When I was in class 12th a calamity hit one day, my jail revolted and the durations, when it let me play outside at times, reached out and dragged me in. It held the door open, but something had changed on the other side too. It was calm and beautiful, still but distant.

And with that, a mold had started to grow inside. It was small at first, but with my college years closing in, it had become enormous and used up half of the space.

And soon, the space was too less to fit us both. I could feel it growing in on me. And as it suffocated me over, I somehow made peace with it. Unhappiness and gloomy were the season that presided the most, yet it was a calmness that pierced the heart to its root.

And one day the giant reappeared, and with it, it bought a person. Not distinct, probably nothing, but something emanated. He looked at me and smiled. I smiled too, and the mold lifted a little. He appeared and disappeared and I waited, at the steps, for him. For when he came, the mold lifted off, and I breathed a fresh breath in a long time.

For the first time, the giant hadn't brought a bait but a help. And though how elusive I was, the help caught me one day and pulled me out. The mold strengthened its grip every day, but I didn't care anymore. I was out, and it stretched itself out on me. It had become resilient to the heat, but I got my respite.

I danced and played once gain like I used to, and as unfamiliar it was, it felt good. The heat now felt like the winter's warmth. The dew drops laid on my smiling cheeks, glistening in the moonlight.

Everything was perfect, but as it says beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, my vision couldn't catch the flaws, or the sweetened poison that I had been given by no other than me. I swayed and danced out in the beautiful garden. The flowers bloomed beside with the scent of paradise. The walls of my jail were nowhere in sight.

Nowhere in sight, where did it go though? It always followed me. The mold had vanished too, and as happy as I was, and as blessed I felt I knew I wasn't there yet. And soon it dawned on me, all I was, was happy, but yet in my cocoon, the walls had expanded and so did the mold lose its grip, and though I was happy, I wasn't in my paradise. It was the hoax my mind had created, that my cocoon had created.

It all shattered the day that person abandoned me. Leaving me stranded. But for the first time, with all the broken pieces, my heart mustered courage enough to say no, cracking the bars. Yes, it still existed, but with no power of its own.

All this while, while I struggled to run to the paradise my giant presented, I forgot this. Where I stayed was it, and it was me who had to make it beautiful. It was all along “Me”, everything from its bars to its enchantments, to its love and to its care. The fear and strength, the happiness, the sorrow and the mold. It was and would always be me.

By Shivani Singh