Desperate Joy

By Aatmaja Agrawal

I was black against your skin

never made you bleed

caught the fire you were spreading like disease

you were warm and familiar

made revolution out of me. 

I was desperate for joy 

didn’t wanna go numb 

you lent a hand and thawed me out 

like you’d done it before

couldn’t let somebody know you

it’s a part of your plan 

wouldn’t let somebody know you. 

prophet girl in the sea

drown in victory

know your words came true 

breaking hearts is my ordeal 

mine is broken every now and then it kills me too

goes around and falls in love and into ditches and dirt too

growing pains tear me apart and put me together like you do

show me light but no darkness, blind me with your gaze too

pierce me and cut my soul in half, through and through

give me voice and give me scars and break my heart in two. 

Life is frozen on repeat 

and the switch is pulling off

and no amount of hot tea could heal my scratched-up lungs

your love doesn’t hurt like toxicity it hurts me

to grieve you more than anyone I thought I’d miss

shattered bubble gum shards

left a bruise on my stars 

who am I to escape fate that was written in my palms

these streets know better to be run over than me 

so, I lie here in serenity, they say learn from me

go away and go home

your heart’s your own 

don’t want even your shadow round my door

push me out and open up

grieve your soft golden words

drink them up and cough them out like terror putting up camp in my hurt. 

By Aatmaja Agrawal