Dear Friend - “I’LL Be Okay!”
By Lakshmi Priyanga M
It’s amusing to see how life changes in a second and the impact it holds on you be it good or bad. I was too lucky to deserve something so pure and rare in my life journey. As the saying goes when I had it, I took the worth of time that “I had with you” for granted but in a flash of a minute, everything is now upside down and it feels unfamiliar, I’m sorry. The mere thought of recalling it sends chills down my spine, I’m anxious to even imagine reliving those few minutes, picturing the moment I lost you.
But I don’t want to have that doleful memory of you as “the last” that I would remember with you. In all truthfulness, you brought colours to my life, might sound cliché but it’s the fact. I was so happy to have you as my ride-and-die best friend for life, you made it all seem so light and cheerful. Little things here and there making me laugh and remember that I’m not alone, you’re there for me to share my highs and lows. Unaware that I might sail alone from that moment thereafter, life wasn’t so complex after all. I still call out your name habitually, but can you blame me? you left me without a warning. Just writing this I’m reminiscing about your voice calling out for me, I really do miss you being around in my life.
Going back in time, the day we met I thought you were crazy by definition; you were a bundle of chaos packed with full-mode energy literally “Unstoppable”. I guess missing you has now become a part of my life. Those priceless times of just me and you nothing else mattered, making me live to the fullest possible. You made me appreciate and be grateful for whatever I had in life. Thank you for showing me a different view.
I was not ready, I’m still not. The first emotion that struck me was the “guilt” of not being able to do or change things for you. I felt guilty to laugh or smile without you. The beautiful memories that I once had and cherished started to haunt me. It consumed my world turning it so dark that I can’t even see or realize the reality that I was in. I wondered, Where I was? what was happening? and why is this happening to me? Everything was indefectible, with no warnings whatsoever, the world that I lived in started to crumble and fell deep into a black hole, is there a way out? I felt irksome, and remorseful for not being able to help or share the pain. Hopeless and lost.
Searching for answers to help me breathe again, God forbid the story of my lonely scary nights only known to me and my pillows drenched with tears of feeling worthless and frustrated. But as days passed by, I thought this feeling of darkness, loneliness, and sadness might change. Did it? My friend wouldn’t have wanted to see me this low sunk deep in the dark, so is it okay? can I smile and be happy?
Unanswered questions kept accruing day by day, my once happy beautiful memories are now vacant filled with guilt and sadness. I did imagine you being there for my important days but my dreams have once and for all become “an unseen reality” I guess. My wound is not healed but it will be one day I believe. I shouldn’t let these wonderful chapters of you in my life be an anchor pulling me down to sink and suffocate. It is hard but I won’t call it quits and I shouldn’t, so I’m sorry that I felt that way and I thank you for showing me love and loyalty with full heart and soul. I still miss you but will definitely cherish the trace of you in me, forever and more so “I’ll be okay, my dear friend”.
By Lakshmi Priyanga M