Courtesan The Untouched..!

By Sai Crishna

Life is unpredictable, death is the ultimate outcome that awaits. Emotions are choices, perspectives make differences and hope is the driver. When you don't know when is the outcome gonna come, you need to make good choices. But when you know about the outcome, you know only good choices are all you need to make to live the life to fullest. Sometimes words don't make sense until they are explained. Let's sail in the drama of perspectives. Aah! Times vary, the time in the past is always short and we assume lot of time is ahead. Foolish beings we are. However in my case it's different. The time is short both ways. Like you the moon, I too am fading day by day, losing the light, blending into darkness and would be vanquished by darkness sooner. But unlike you I won't rise again from the realms of darkness. I'll be perished and forgotten. Likewise a man was talking to the moon in a heavenly night. His name is Dev. He is a man carrying death within him. He was diagnosed with a disease and doctors said it has no cure and death is in his pursuit. Being a rightful man, he never liked the fact that death had chosen him earlier than many. We are not guaranteed creatures. We know death would approach us anyway. But we are cursed with a boon to not to remember it everytime. However when it is pinpointed, it stings every now and then.

Dev quit on his regular life, as he accepted that life has denied on him. He always believed in a motto that says, "life should be big not long". He never thought it would fit him so accurately. He wanted his coming days to be peaceful and to be lived to fullest. All his life he has regretted to just live. Now if that life decided to turn back on him, he decided to give peace and happiness to the death. Dev made a wish list for himself. He wrote down things he always wanted to do and wrote things he could do before his demise. It felt little awkward for him. But only if he wasn't an orphan, there would have been someone worrying and doing things for him in his last moments. Thinking about it he felt this is no time to grieve on what he doesn't have, but to die in a grave of cherished moments. He travelled different places, he met different people and he ate different foods. Were they able to breach the sorrow's barrier? No where near. Human bodies are limited to everything coming externally. It may be good or it may be bad, everything is limited. it's of no use trying to fetch fullest form of happiness from outside if it is only limited. However our insides are not limited. To be opened to happiness from inside is where lies the term fullest. But Dev was constipated with fear from inside. The fear of death was always there. Whatever he does, wherever he goes, fear was always with him. Now this has been a problem. He wanted to give happiness to death, but death has been putting him into misery all that time. He felt if it goes like this, he won't be able to live happily on the route to deathbed.

Time is ticking. Dev started to have a constant feeling of lost. When he wanted to be happy with his life, it has put him on the verge of death and said, 'you are left with few moments have them to the brightest'. And now when he is ready to shine in those last moments, the death is saying, 'you should be afraid of me every second reminding me, resenting and waste your little time left too'. Dev has had it enough. He lost his patience and started talking to himself likewise, this shouldn't have been like this, from the very beginning it's always the same for me, the struggle. To be born, to grow, to regret every decision I made and now I can't even die in peace. I wonder if this wish list is of any us. While he was talking to himself and looking at the wish list, there was something in the list that got his attention. It was a wish or a desire whatever it might be. 'To lose virginity', it was written. He spaced out for a moment. We have a biology and it cannot be denied. Now Dev got excited and every cell in his body was trying to convince him to take one last shot at trying to be happy. He made-up his mind to have it experienced. Yet he doesn't know how to. He thought for a moment and decided that he will go to a prostitute. Then again he felt it was not a good decision to go to a sex worker. Every cell in his body again reacted like, 'What good, what bad? However you are gonna die, does it make any difference of goods and bads now? It's not the matter of goods and bads, it's the matter of happiness and it doesn't matter how you gonna aquire it'. This felt legit to him and he decided that he will hire a girl the next day.

The next day Dev went to the place where he can hire a courtesan. Making the decision was quite easy, but putting it into action was the hardest part. He walked into the place, his feet were moving in tremble, his heart was having a race. All he could see were beautiful women over there staring at him. He was nervous, it felt like he might faint any moment if he don't hold himself up. And sudden a lady walked up to him and asked, how can I help you? I... I... I came here to hire a wo.. wo..woman, said Dev in a stutter tone . Everyone comes here for that. What type of girl do you want? Said the lady...Type? What is the type? Asked Dev...Whichever you want. More the money, more beautiful girl you will get, said the lady...Whoever the best in the business, said Dev anxiously...Okay, said the lady... He paid the lady whatever amount she asked for and the lady asked him to wait in a room there. Dev went into the room the lady asked him to. It was little awkward to be in there. It's not that room was not good, not even the environment was bad, but like every person every place has it's own aura. Does every place has it's own odour that replicates it's nature or is it the mind playing games with us? Whatever, Dev felt this sex working place has sex working kind of odour. He went and sat on the bed in the room.

Dev was looking here and there in the room. Past a moment there was a sound of door opening. Dev's inner voice was whistling and said, bro from today you are gonna be a man. Shut up! I'm not even gonna be alive, screamed Dev in himself. The door opened and what Dev witnessed felt unreal for sometime. A woman entered and the very first glance at her, that was all it, she was the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She was dark in colour with ocean blue eyes. She was like a walking dream. You wouldn't want to be awakened from, you wouldn't want to take your eyes off from. To her ocean eyes Dev's heart danced like a fish, as it suffocated to stay away from them. She walked like a song in motion, very rhythmically. Yet there was something disturbing. Her pleasant face. It's not a face that anyone could carry. She was not smiling, not even a single tooth could be seen, but Dev could say that was the happiest face he has ever seen and felt. Now Dev started to question himself...People in this kind of profession are either ignorant or arrogant. Is she new here or what? Is she in the wrong room? Doesn't she feel guilty of the kind of work she is doing? Me a man who struggled through everything, never went on unrightful paths got to be destined to death and can't even be at peace in my last moments. She being in such a filthy profession doesn't even bother to look so sobber, destined to live and to behold the term peace on her face. While Dev got zoned out and questioning himself, the woman came and sat next to him on the bed.

Zone out dream boy. What are you dreaming when you have a woman with you? Women seriously don't like it, you know, said the woman smiling... Dev snapped out and without wasting a second he asked, can we talk? Talk? said the woman surprisingly... Yep! Can we? said Dev...You are the second

person who asked for a talk. Sure we can, said the woman...What's your name by the way? asked Dev...Moon! said the woman and asked, what's yours ? Moon, huh? Pretty suits you, said Dev and told his name..Moon smiled and asked, what was the thing you wanted to talk about Dev? Dev went on to saying all his flashback, also about his disease and how he couldn't find peace and happiness in his last moments...That's so sad, said Moon...That's not sad. What actually sad is you having a blissful life, said Dev and added, you being on hideous path, having to behold an impure body, an inch of guilt is yet to be found in your heart. And I seriously don't like that blissful face of yours like a pure cloud. A dark cloud, thunderous, rumbling, raining, fearsome, that's how you should be . You seem like an agony's child, said moon smiling...I'm being serious. You don't give that smiling face to me. Can you tell how is this possible to you to be like you are now? Asked Dev...You seem desperate Dev, said Moon..Dying desperate, said Dev...

You called me impure right? Many hands have touched me, but no soul came near to mine. I don't even know how many have imprinted their fingers on my body, but they couldn't leave a mark on my heart. And sometimes I don't even want to remember the things they did to my body. It's just they touched me, however I never felt someone actually ever did. Yes I was impure. But there was a man who purified me back. The man didn't touch me, yet embraced my heart. The man saw my crying soul. The man loved me. The man made me fall in love with myself. The man emphasised my light and made me what my name meant, Moon said so and started a flashback...Those were days when my body got rented often. I didn't even remember how I ended in this work. Putting body at compulsion is another thing, but to put mind at compulsion is the greatest misery. A woman without her consent isn't a woman, it's just a mere existence. Men desired in lust don't care if it's an object or the living. And a day came again to rent my body. I went into the room, there was a man sitting on the bed smiling at me. I felt a dog is a dog. whatever it does, Wherever it is put. I neared the bed and sat beside him. How do you want the lights? On or off? I asked... Can we talk? Said the man... What? Talk? I asked surprisingly... Yes! Can we? asked the man excitingly... This is not what people come here for. You may be in the wrong place, I said...

But we can try, said the man...I shut his mouth with my hand, took his hand and put it to my chest and said, feel it, this is what you came here for, right? The man held my hand, put it to his heart and said, feel the beat, for now it only beats for you. I went silent, I backed off, I adjusted myself, moved a bit from the man. That was the first time in long time I've ever felt actually I was a woman. What do you want to talk? I asked in a lower tone... The man smiled and asked, what is your name? Moon, I said... This time he didn't smile, but his eyes, I felt they were smiling and loving simultaneously... The man adjusted himself, folded his legs, sat leaning towards me on the bed and started saying, my name is Veer the one day lover. I travel places. And at the place I make a halt, I love someone there. Sounds strange, but that's what I do. And when I decided to stay here, I saw you and I fell in love with you. Love? With me? What do you mean? I said confused...I fell in love with you. That's what I mean, said Veer...I'm not someone who is loved, I said...What are you? A ghost? Are you gonna materialize? Can I go, wait outside until you are done materialising, then come in and start loving you? Is that ok? said Veer sarcastically...Quit joking. Can't you see I'm a sex worker. How can someone love me? I said...

I love you, not the sex worker, said Veer...What do you mean? Isn't that the same thing? I aksed...Sex worker is your profession, but that's not completely you, said Veer...Your words don't make any sense. This body has been used many times. It's filthy now. It can only be used again, but can't be loved, I said...Your job has nothing to do with me loving you. If only I wanted your body, I would have been done with the work by now and left the place, said Veer with a smirking face...Don't you understand? There's only darkness left in me. There's no way a sun gonna rise on me, I said...You are Moon. Moon doesn't need any Sun. It has it's own glory, said Veer...You again? I was about to shout ..Veer put a finger on my lips. He pointed his another finger towards the window and said, Can you see that moon over there? In the dark sky alone surrounded by all the stars, it glows differently. How many stars do you think might have tried to steal moon's glory yet failed everytime? It's not that stars are naive, it's that moon learned how to save it's glory. Moon too had a black mark. However it put that black mark behind it as the dark sky to shine high instead of putting the mark on itself. Even on the days when moon is not there, people don't get satisfied looking at stars, they miss the moon. I went silent, don't know why. When people made it seem that I was hard to be loved, I too forgot to love myself assuming it was really hard. I take that silence as an acceptance that you can be loved, said Veer smiling bright...

Back into present... That was the far better time I ever had. To love, to be loved and to feel I love myself. Dev had to leave to continue his travelling. I asked him to stay. He said he can't. And I couldn't leave this place. But he said that he was leaving behind something very precious to him for me. I asked him , what's that. Then he said, I gave you to yourself. The one I loved, I'm leaving it behind. Saying so he left with that usual love in his eyes...This blissful face, this pleasant soul and this heartful smile are all a gift from him. You know what Veer did? He made me learn to love myself. The love in me and the love for me had awakened me. Not any external force, not a pleasure and not even the ambush of satisfying the desire to be happy. You know what Dev. You don't lack peace, you are not short of happiness and also you are not afraid to your destiny of death. You don't know how to love yourself. You are not a moon that blends into darkness. Because a moon rises definitely. You are the shadow of the moon in water that will scatter everytime the water is disturbed. Do you want to live the last moments to fullest? Go love yourself first. If the love is not found from inside, then the happiness is no where to be found, said Moon...Dev left. Was he able to live his last moments to the fullest? That was unknown. But the courtesan was untouched..!

By Sai Crishna