Contemplation

By Sahana Yengkokpam

I’m scared of things that are unpredictable

Things that are not set in stone

Things I’m unsure of

The things to come

“The future”

I want to do good

But I’m the obstacle in my own way

I’m unsure of everything

Doubtful of myself to say

But I still lie around not making any moves

In a slump with an art block

No inspiration, no goals

Drowning in my own confusion and lies

Digging my own grave

Drowning in the fantasies in my head all day

Avoiding reality till date

I know I need to change

But I’m my own doom

The uncertainties frighten me

Stopping me from leaving my own room

I do have a dream

Which cannot be called a goal

I wish to create a masterpiece one day

A masterpiece I’m proud of

A masterpiece that I feel like I made

Not something too deep or too shallow

Something that can be admired closely or from a distance

Something magical straight from a fantasy

I wish to make myself happy

And fill the deep emptiness inside me

I wanna convey a message that I, myself have yet to understand or discover

I wanna say something

But the words lie deep inside of my heart and mind

The words which I possibly couldn’t understand or convey

I’m tired of hearing the same words, the same advice

Which plays on a loop

They wish the best for me

I know that too

I do not wish to offend, hurt or dissappoint the ones I treasure

The ones who wish me the best for now and the future

I yearn a feeling of coldness that feels comforting

The feeling of calmness

A clear and calm mind

A breath of fresh, refreshing air

A cool breeze that makes me feel alive and free

Something that makes the unpredictable look thrilling not terrifying

I don’t know who I’m

Or who I want to be anymore

A clear picture of me is nowhere to be found

Every step I take into the unknown

Feels like a step I take away from being me

I don’t know who “me” is

I don’t know who I am

I’ve become someone unknown and anonymous to even myself

The goals I’ve in mind are different from the goals I’m pursuing

The things I do are to live a stable life

Hoping maybe I’ll like the path I’ve taken

I question myself if I could ever take the other path, the path I want to walk a different time

My real goals remain a pleasant dream

While I drown in the agony of reality