Broken

By Jaibala M Rao

Mahi you came into my world and changed it. Tiny as you were, you left an impression everywhere. Every little thing you needed became a necessity; every small moment became an image, a memory in my mind. Every burp, the number of outfits you changed, everything became a part of my life. Before I could memorise the features of your face, we started concreting memories.

I still recall everything Time tables, Car Pools, Activity Classes, Meals, all resulting in a bigger to do list for me. In all that the only thing I was guilty of is forgetting to have my coffee on most days and that is how you got me off that caffeine addiction.

I remember there were problems before that day. Accusations, mistakes, error of judgement, all that and more, happening again and again and I didn’t have an excuse or an explanation. “We need to talk, you have to do something. Nothing is working! It’s time to admit, this is serious. I cannot risk Mahi’s life. I cannot lose her also. So you have to go.”

Your mother’s words still haunt me. How could I hurt you Mahi, you are my world. But no one listened or cared. I was taken away. I was brought here. “Daddy, why didn’t you?” I heard you cry. And I wanted to explain why I didn’t do anything, but before I could, she took you away. I was alone but I have to be strong Mahi, for you.

I will forget everything eventually, they say. But Mahi Sweetie don’t believe them, Daddy remembers and loves you forever.

***

Mahi carefully folded the letter, taking care that the creases do not fall apart. It was a ritual, she would remove the letter from the centre fold of his dairy where she kept it safe and read it every day before she could do anything. But today was especially hard, it had been 17 years since the day. It is not like reading the letter brought her any peace, in fact the only thing it did was remind her of her questions, her emotional crisis. It was a reminder of the day her life was shattered. But sometimes the letter helped in feeling not so broken, every time she read it the feeling that she was wrong disappeared somewhere. But not for long cause the day her father was talking about in the letter was forever etched in her memory.

Mahi was almost 8 looking forward to her birthday next month. A shrek themed birthday, it was going to be really fancy and nice. Mahi was excited, it had been about a year since the problems with her dad had started, just a few months after Neev came into their lives. Neev, Mahi was not sure if she loved him or hated him yet but he was her little Munchkin, who sometimes made funny noises and did hilarious things like putting his toes in his mouth. Mahi would always be in splits whenever he did that and Neev would gurgle every time he heard his big sister’s laughter. Mahi cherished these times, but then the eight year old saw other days, days when the baby was cranky and her mother had too much on her plate. Mahi did what she could to help, but she couldn’t do much because she never understood what the struggle was about. And that is why her mother decided to hire a nanny, Mahi initially as very excited to get a Mary Poppins of her own. She even told her father that she could finally have her Mary Poppins, but when Maasi came home there was nothing Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious about her. Mahi tries to get her to say the word, but she could even get till Super... Mahi was disappointed, and her father was the one who told her that Massi was passable, not as bad as some of the other Nannys he had seen, but Mahi always held it against Massi that she was not Mary Poppins. Looking back Mahi now felt that maybe that is what they needed, Mary Poppins to have lived in their house that day.

Everything that Mahi said did or thought always ended up coming back to that day. Mahi would always go back to that day that moment when everything changed, the way she saw everything changed. But it had only been two years since the truth about that Day was clear to her. Until then it had been hazy memories and half truths that she could not get to the bottom of. She always had the letter and that was the biggest part of her confusion.

It was the day of her party. 8 years old, Mahi was going to be a big girl today. She even decided to make a drawing of her family and since it was her birthday she had even included Maasi in her family portrait. She was excited and wanted to show everyone her master piece. Mahi heard her mother call out to maasi and say that she was going out shopping for the party in the evening. Mahi hurriedly finished colouring her portrait and ran out. She called out to her mom to stop and see what she was doing, but her mother was in a hurry. She said, “show your father I’ll come back and see. I must get everything ready for the evening”.

As Mom was still giving instructions to Maasi, Mahi walked upstairs waving the paper, making a colourful stream in the air. She peeked into her parents bedroom and her father was there. Looking at his frame bent over the table no one would even think that there was something wrong. Mahi walked up to the table, shoving the drawing paper in front of her father’s face. He would not mind this, he would never mind anything that Mahi did. But as he raised his face and looked up at her, Mahi knew that something is wrong. The look in his eyes was something that she had never ever seen before.

“Get Out!” he screamed “I don’t want to be disturbed.” Mahi was scared and ran out. As she was running out she heard her mother pattering the final instructions to Maasi “baba ko dhooh de dena, mujhe aane mein thodi der ho jayegi. Aur hall ki safai kar lena, ab aur decorations nahi lagna hain.” As soon as she heard that with the drawing in her hand Mahi rushed into the living room to see the decorations.

Mahi’s jaws dropped. This was exactly what she wanted. “Ma, you are super Ma” Mahi thought excitedly and that is when she heard the scream. Mahi turned just as Maasi reached the foot of the stairs. Her father was at the top of the stairs equally shocked. Mahi moved slowly towards the stairs. But for the blood all around, anyone would think that Neev was sleeping; they would wonder why he was below the stairs on the floor, but no one would think it amiss.

Mahi tried to remember the moments after she saw Neev but it was all a blur. She heard her mother scream, “Why was the gate open?” and her father protesting “I don’t know”

And then she remembered her father being dragged away. As she walked into the hall the decorations that just moments ago were the reason for her happiness were all just a reminder of what she would never have again – A normal life.

That day changed a lot for Mahi. Her mother’s life stopped; she kept blaming herself for leaving Neev alone. Her Mom also could never forgive her father. Mahi could never forget him. The first time she visited him a few years later, she found the diary. She was caught by surprise at the vivid details of her. Mahi now knew it was the Dementia; her father’s brain had degenerated slowly, but even today he remembered his 7 year old daughter and he never knew his eleven month old son.

Memories are tricky even to a functional mind, they depend on perspective. Mahi always wondered why her father forgot Neev. She could not fault him for remembering her, but in that moment, what was wrong was that he had remembered Neev, Neev was playing in his room while her father dismissed her. And nobody dismissed Mahi especially on her birthday. She regretted it, “Daddy why didn’t you see me?” was what she wanted to ask him.

But she didn’t even get a chance to complete her question. Maybe she deserved it for doing what she did, leaving the gate open. But she didn’t dare tell her mother that it was her who did it and not her father. She knew her mother could never come back from that.

They all were left broken that day, in different ways. Mahi wanted to forgive herself, but she could not forget what she did. And now she regretted every moment for being her father’s only memory, maybe that was her punishment.

By Jaibala M Rao