Big Fat Indian Wedding

By Shashwat Shukla

An Indian wedding, especially in the sparsely populated state of Uttar Pradesh usually has the entire population of Iceland in attendance.

So I spoke to my grandfather on his 52nd anniversary. Groggy at being woken up at 12 in the night to celebrate something that he doesn’t want to remember at 12 in the bloody night!

(Waking him up) –

Me – “Happy anniversary! 52nd right?”

Grandpa (G) – “Yaa, khush raho (Bless you/Fuck you)”

Me – “Do you remember where it happened”

G – “In her native village, of course”

Me – “And how many were there?”

G – “What? (Fuck you...seriously)”

Me – “I asked how many people were there?”

G – “Three”

Me – “What!!”

G – “I said three man! Her, me and the priest. I don’t care or know who else! Anyways, it’s not today or tomorrow or whatever”

Me – “What? But everyone knows it’s today right?”

G – “No, the date was some 4 days ago. Today is just when we celebrate it”

Me – “What?? Why would you not celebrate it the day it happened? And why does everyone not know that this isn’t the day?”

G – “Oh they know. Its just ‘Guruji’”

Me – “Well what about him?”

G – “He said it shouldn’t be celebrated on that day or the husband dies or something. Basically no celebrations on that day. So we rounded it off to the nearest 0 and started celebrating it then instead”

Me – “What on earth is that supposed to mean??”

G – “It’s supposed to mean thank you for the wishes and nighty night. Go to bed man”

By Shashwat Shukla