Anxiety

By Ashwini Solanki

It’s 3 A.M now and I am unable to sleep. The thoughts about my future and my career are constantly running in my mind. I don’t know where do I share these thoughts or with whom should I share my insecurities and feelings as I don’t even have a friend who will understand me, I feel. But okay, I tried to figure out something and talked to some of my friends about my anxiety and my feeling that I won’t be able to make it in the future or my dreams won’t be fulfilled, or whether I will be able to accomplish them or not. By talking to them I felt that they too are in the same boat with me like even they are going through the same anxiety feeling. Even they are worried about their future just like me. Some of them took me seriously and tried to console and motivate me while some of them made fun of me and said it’s just a phase of life I am thinking too much or I am having too many expectations from life. My goals are unreal and I am a dissatisfied creature. They advised me to be happy and contented in what I have and not to think too much. This is life and we need to deal with it. I am behaving too childish and greedy setting imaginative expectations and wasting my life like this. They advised me to get married and settle in life. Like these days passed and I started spending my whole day watching tv in a dark room didn’t want to switch on the light as I loved darkness so that no one can see my sadness and tears in my eyes. I used to sleep in the morning as my body got tired to the extreme condition as I was not able to sleep the whole night and used to wake up in the evening after sleeping for 12 hours. Like that way several days passed, I felt like I am suffering from depression or should I consult a psychiatrist? I started feeling lonely I used to cry alone thinking of the situation. I started spending hours and hours on social media and since I used to sleep for 12 hours, I missed eating my food in the daytime. Like that my health started deteriorating day by day I lost weight became thin, had dark circles under the eyes, etc. The people who loved me even my parents didn’t understand me and support me in this condition of mine. I started feeling angry all the time, felt like killing someone and take everything that’s mine, and thought do I have anything of my own? Then I thought once I start earning, I will be happy like everything will be according to my wish. Maybe I will feel satisfied and loved when I will have money in my hand. Day by day I am feeling unhappy and unimportant just don’t want to talk to anyone, feeling frustrated, don’t know what to do. Am I behaving too obsessive about my life? Can’t answer anything right now. These thoughts are not letting me sleep. Then one fine day I thought I can’t be weak in front of the world, I can’t cry in front of anyone, I need to be strong. So, I started indulging myself in activities of daily life. I started going to the gym to exercise so that my frustration comes out in form of sweat. I started watching motivational videos on YouTube and that helped me a lot. I will always be grateful that I came across such videos on social media. Because of that I came across various book summaries and got to know a lot of things. I started thinking positive again, started building a positive perspective towards life. I decided to start writing a diary daily so that all my thoughts and ideas whether positive or negative can be written somewhere so that I can get some peace of mind. I know this is the life of many adults like me all around. I don’t know whether I am recovering or not from this anxiety but I am getting busy now and having a positive outlook towards life. I hope one day I will get rid of this anxiety permanently.

By Ashwini Solanki