Abandonment Of The Self

By Safa Mahmood

The Moon

I sit on the shore to see the moon tonight,

but the red crescent hangs in a frown.

I tilt my head & ask, ‘is everything all right?’

‘I never imagined you letting me down.’

My world silences, the waves retreat,

the sand disappears from under my feet.

‘I did not mean to neglect you,’

I weep beneath the sneering sky,

‘I still love you so. my love is true.’

My beloved moon then begins to cry.

‘Now you walk hurriedly by,’ it says,

‘sometimes not looking up for days.

I wear all my phases for your eye,

& come down wherever you are,

but I see you hang your head as you stride

& I protest your disregard with the stars.

You have abandoned everything you love the most,

pushed us away when you wished to keep us close.’

The Writer

I caress the spine of my most treasured book,

but the dust from it causes me to sneeze.

I pick it up to have an overdue look,

& it shuts itself closed, displeased,

‘I thought you would never return.’

My throat tightens, my eyes start to burn.

‘I did not mean to forget you,’

I sigh, tracing the words with my fingers,

‘I still love you so. my love, I do.’

But my beloved book's resentment lingers.

‘I see more cobwebs than I see your face,

& all my creases have smoothed,’ it says,

'has my story lost its meaning?

You used to find comfort in between my pages,

you used to confide in me your feelings;

loves, longings, griefs, & rages,

but you abandoned everything you love the most,

pushed us away when you swore to keep us close.’

The Music

I reach for my shadow in the shafts of sunlight,

but it pulls away from me timidly

& with such unreasonable fright.

The sun hides, I see my shadow less vividly,

‘You stopped moving me with grace.’

I lose it in the wind, my heart begins to race.

‘I did not mean to abandon you,’

I cry out, searching for a beam of light,

‘I still love you so. I do, I do.’

But my beloved dancing shadow falls quiet.

I remember how my body would move

awkward, but free, & never improve.

‘Have you tuned out your favorite songs

that once made you sway with passion?

What could have gone so hopelessly wrong

to devoid you of your rhythm in this fashion?

You abandoned everything you love the most,

pushed us away when you wanted to keep us close.’

The Lover

I close my hand after what feels like a decade,

but your palm is still missing from there.

I open my eyes, but your image still fades,

I lose the feeling of your fingers in my hair.

‘You said you would never leave,’

I imagine your voice say to me.

‘I did not mean to lose you,’

I wail, hoping you hear wherever you may be,

‘I still love you so. Say you love me, too.’

But my beloved does not speak, only me:

‘I do not know where to lay

all our memories down, or the things you say

when no one is around.

I left my purpose in the flecks of your eyes,

I lost my smile in the corners of your frown,

& with each minute apart my weak heart dies.

I abandoned the one I loved, I loved, I love the most,

pushed them away instead of holding them close.’

By Safa Mahmood