A Messy Person In A Tidy World

By Tejal C. Goenka

I always wonder what or who is the best judge of right or wrong in this world and beyond. And this is without any religious connotation. What if there is no higher power up there and we ourselves are the judge, jury and accused? Is our inner consciousness enough? Like how does one decide how much is too much or too less in terms of work or love or taking things for granted? These are some of the questions that haunt me on a regular basis. You see, extroverts rule the world but introverts are the ones who run the show behind the scenes. Most big entrepreneurs or inventors are usually not the selling point themselves. They might hire PR firms to promote their product but usually they like to keep their personal life private. I say usually repeatedly because there's always the exceptions and I'm sure they are cropping up in your mind right now. We are talking about the rule, not the exception.

So, getting back to successful introverts, why is this? Is it because the inner workings of their brains are too complex to deal with the neat corners of the world? A world which doesn't like anything messy, where straight lines and sharp corners are more appreciated across various fields. Curvy, loopy and blurry lines make everybody a little uncomfortable. Be it race, sex, physical appearance or even behaviour. But humans weren't created as neat cuboids, were they? We are beautiful, knotted creatures with our insides twisted and our outsides textured. Why do we then insist on becoming an unnecessarily ironed and smoothened (and hence, very much diluted) version of our true selves? Again, haunting questions, these.

In order to fit into whatever our deemed place is, in a well ordered, organised society, I feel like I personally have subdued my inner spark. Do you know what I'm talking about? The spark that you feel when suddenly you come in contact with something or someone that is completely wrong for you but feels so right? If you deny that long enough, the spark starts to die down, like a withered fire-fly. And in this mixture, throw in a pandemic and you become the dying wick of an unscented candle when you had the potential to be the liveliest flame in the room.

Sometimes, I worry about what impact this has on our children and the future generations. Do emotionally-stunted parents ever create wholesale children? How can I adequately nourish the child's mind when my own sanity is hanging on by a weak thread itself? No one wants to intentionally harm their child's mental and physical growth but is there a way to protect one's child from one's own trauma?

This is not to say that there isn't enough light in the world and in us to overcome the darkness. There always is, we just have to find it and hold on to it for dear life. The ultimate goal of every human is that by the time we leave this earth, we make it a better place for our children to live in. I surely hope that we can achieve this, move past our issues and trivialities to go towards the light. We have to try and forgive ourselves and others, be kinder to ourselves and others and finally keep the hope alive.

By Tejal C. Goenka