A fearful Soul to a Conscious being

By Swathi Pilla

She was a fearful soul, who does not understand this worldly way of living. Many things just slip out of her mind, but she could capture every emotion of hers & others too. Extra sensitive in everything and many would call her an emotional fool, but she only knew what’s in her experience.

She went through so much pain again and again, reasons might be different, but pain was same. It tore her apart, broken her in every possible way, shattered every dream she dreamt off, broke every relation she relied on, got badly hurt from almost everyone at some point, faced betrayals, caged on the name of secured life, was bullied for her looks, was restricted on almost everything she did joyfully but she sustained and grew through all Pain.

She was one who took every word, every experience, everyone’s opinions very seriously in life. Very Immature, under confident, shy, far from living life itself. She was just a doll which works on others instruction. Whenever she thought she is losing herself, she cried, cried her heart out for days, weeks, months but came back stronger.

Every pain which she felt, made her realise so many things. It was not something she could talk off or express to anyone. Even if she tried, mostly no body understood. Then she realised there is no one who could help her get out of it other than herself. She tried every possible thing to come out of the darkness but failed. It made her feel so abnormal, living every moment felt like a burden, chatters of mind made her mad, observing herself different from others made her crazy. She could not do anything rather than suffering through the emotions. She always tried finding reasons for every felling she went through, but she only got more and more messed up in life.

There is no reason for such feelings, its just pain. Kind of emotional game in which many people get trapped due to various reasons. Its hard to deal alone but she fought alone. Nobody could understand her, her behaviour would always be misunderstood. Its like Icing of pain on pain again. She did not want sympathy, she just felt to have open conversations, but she never found the one to do so. This world is kind of very busy, people don’t have time to deal with their own life.

Surrounded by judgemental & logical people, she found her way out of this emotional chaos after many years. After suffering for half of her life this way, she heard a voice which gave all her answers & showed a way out of the darkness. She could experience so many different dimensions within her which was unbelievable for herself. Without being in physical presence, without knowing her, without ever having an interaction, she had a sense of being understood by someone and that someone has been with her throughout & guided her, transformed her, changed her perspective, showed her true meaning of life.

She understood for what she was thriving outside was within her. What she wanted to fix outside was to be fixed very inside her. Life does not mean living peacefully, having home, bank balance, surrounded by friends & family, enjoying etc. Almost everything is arrangement of comfort & security. Life needs to be lived to its fullest at any situation. One should experience everything, but still not be carried away by it. One should live life consciously.

By Swathi Pilla