A Destructive Act

By Anwesh Ghosh

Music, my life, my dream, my ambition everything revolves around this one thing - Music. Sometimes I am constructive when I am holding my guitar; sometimes not so much. But when I am without my guitar, I am a destructive person. I didn’t quite realise what I was until I was fourteen, when I lost my mom to breast cancer. My dad and I lived in a small two-bedroom apartment, after my dad’s savings were drained owing to the medical treatments my mom required. We used to live in a two storeyed building at the centre of a heavily populated urban area. My mom was diagnosed three years ago and right after the treatments started, we began to lose everything, we lost our car, then my dad’s bike, then all his savings were gone, then at the end we lost or hope and eventually we lost mom. I was too young to perceive the concept of death. All I could feel was “rage.” My dad used to work in a private firm but after mom’s passing, he became an alcoholic and although he never physically or mentally abused me, he still lost his job after getting into a fist fight with his boss.

I beat up kids at my school. I got into a lot of trouble for it too when my principal one day called me up and explained to me that rage is just a way of dealing with grief and it wasn’t a good way. Thereafter, he handed me an acoustic guitar and told me to channelise my rage into it. I was unable to understand what my principle was trying to say. He explained to me and said

– “Whenever you feel angry, don’t beat up others, don’t fist the wall or the doors or the table at your home or at the school, start strumming this guitar randomly,” and handed me a plectrum. I randomly strummed the guitar, it sounded awful and the principle continued-“You will find your rhythm and once you find it, don’t ever let yourself deviate from your rhythm, from your music. Remember, music comes from your soul.” Not a single word that came out of principle’s mouth made sense that day. But I tried to lay the guitar in my own way. I found myself getting less angry every day. I watched some YouTube videos and started playing and eventually got the hang of it. I was at peace whenever I played something on my guitar on my guitar, but my destructive side never really went away. I guess, music only momentarily healed my soul; so, I decided never to stop playing guitar. Whenever I didn’t have to go to school or study or carry out some other chores, I played my guitar and felt soothing.

But things weren’t always the same as I didn’t always have the opportunity nor the pleasure of carrying my guitar around and kept on getting into fights whenever I was out for longer that six-seven hours. I figured that in reality I was a destructive person and the guitar was my medicine that kept me from causing destruction.

I college, I joined a rock band. We were called “Evolution”. We played the Alternate rock genre of music, a genre that is largely popular among youth. We gained instant fame and I found a new way of channelising my destructive side. While my bandmates got into doing low grade drugs like Ganja, Charas etc. I was more inclined towards the girls. Sex became my new friend. Whenever I wasn’t holding my guitar or performing in a show, I was around a girl, not dating

but having sex with her day in, day out. I became a sex addict very soon. I couldn’t go one day without sleeping with a woman, no strings attached. I did not want to see the consequences as long as my sexual desires were satisfied.

I had slept with countless women; I didn’t hesitate objectifying them. I knew I was harming some of them, who belonged from decent families by seducing them to sleep with me; but none of that mattered to me until one day when I hit a bike with my car and was sued by the biker and had to visit a lawyer that my father recommended, where I saw a female junior advocate at work. Her name was Nilam. She was one hot and beautiful piece of cake I was eager to eat. She was around the same age as that of mine and although she wore formals, it felt like I could see right through her clothes. ‘Her smooth white skin, those seemingly soft yet firm breasts, those thick thighs and the soaking wet region between her legs was I could imagine. I forgot about my case as I was drooling just by looking at her. I came back to my senses when she came and sat beside me informing that she would handle my matter.

I told her everything about my lawsuit, provided her all the documents she asked for, all the while chugging her bodily beauty with my eyes. I had already planned of having sex with her, but not just once, I wanted to keep her as my sex slave. My inner demons arose and my destructive personality screamed-“Rip off her clothes. Make her yours.” Fortunately, I ignored my inner voices and spoke with her normally, I tried to charm her with my humour and it worked. She asked me to call her, I went back home and texted her and since that night we spent hours texting with each other every night.

I came to know a lot about her. She had been in a long-term relationship and was soon to be married. It didn’t bother me as soon as I knew that one, I get to sleep with her, I could make her mine and she would visit me every night even after her marriage. I did not realise how evil my mind had become and kept on fantasising about her all the time.

We met two or three more times at her chamber to discuss my lawsuit. But that wasn’t enough for me. I couldn’t wait any longer, so I invited her to one of our concerts. “What better place to seduce a girl than the backstage of our concert”, I thought. The day of the concert arrived and Nilam came and stood in the front row with the VIPs. Our show was over in three hours when she visited me backstage and I invited her to my dressing room for a drink. At first, I thought for a woman who is getting married in a few months’ time, I’d have to insist a lot so as for her to be alone with me for a drink, but I didn’t have to do or say anything much as she was more than ready to spend some time alone with me.

She wore a short black one-piece dress, the length of which was way above her knees. She was looking hot as ever with some beautiful smoky eye makeup and gentle face makeup. We entered my green room and I locked the door and we sat on the couch. She seemed comfortable. I offered her whiskey which she drank within seconds and asked for rum, preferably white rum, which fortunately I was in possession of.

Her phone rang, but she ignored it, locking and throwing it aside. We drank and chit-chatted for almost half an hour when I got closer to her face and kissed her nice and easy. She opened

her lips for me and took my lower lip in her mouth and suckled upon it. I took her upper lip and started smooching and biting. She went wild within seconds and I embraced her while she moved closer to me, eventually lifting her leg to sit on my lap, facing and continuously kissing me. I grabbed her waist and pulled her closer to my crotch while she started rubbing upon my crotch with hers. Her forward backward hip movement over my crotch started off slow but picked up pace rather quickly. I grabbed her butt and started pressing on them, while kissing and licking her neck and shoulders. Within minutes I pulled off her dress and there she was facing me, sitting on my lap with nothing on but a thread structured thong, only partially covering her assets. I held her tighter and started kissing on her chest, eventually completely undressing her. The woman then stood naked in front of me. I pulled her back on the couch and pushed her over. I laid over her and went inside her. Oh! The pleasure seemed unbearable, she started to scream and I had to hold her mouth shut all the while thrusting her at full speed with all my strength.

Our lovemaking went on for a while and we both released our love nectar together. I took of the condom and threw it away to one side of the room while Nilam hastily got dressed, and left. Before, I could apprehend anything she was gone like the wind.

The following day, I visited her chamber but she had not come in. A week passed and I got no reply texts even after sending hundreds of messages. I again decided to visit her chamber, but it was locked. So, I asked a shopkeeper nearby who informed me of the incidents that made chills run down my spine. The shopkeeper said-“Madam is no more. A few days ago, she went to a concert where she cheated on her would be husband, and although she did not want anyone to know about it, she mistakenly received her fiancé’s call during the act. Her fiancé could not bear it and the following day he went to her home and shot her in the head before shooting himself. Neighbours heard gunshots and went over to find the lifeless bodies of the couple, drained of blood, lying on the floor.”

My knees went weak. I had never thought of the consequences of my destructive attitude towards women. I honestly never wanted to harm anyone in such a way, ending two innocent lives through my desperate act of momentary pleasure but my short sightedness had ruined two entire families, and affected countless other lives related to the two victims; victims of my act.

I could not bear the unfathomable pain, my knees were shaking as I felt knees down by the side of my road, my senses were numb. I couldn’t walk, nor could I even utter a single word. I raised my head with my eyes wide open gazing into the bright blue sky, with only one thought running down my mind-“Oh lord! What have I done?”

By Anwesh Ghosh