A Child Of My Own

By Araina Soni

The idea of having children is terrifying. I remember telling my friend, "What a dreadful thought!" She mocked me, saying, "You're only sixteen; it won't be dreadful when you're older!" We both laughed as she demanded to be the godmother of my future kids. One thing is for sure, though: she can always be the godmother to my pet babies, I told her.

If you’re quiet enough, I'll let the cat out of the bag. Being homesick with the arms that never held me, taught me that having my children is no longer an option. I only recently became aware of the fact that women are born with all the eggs they’ll carry in their lifetime, which means I have never been apart from my mother. EVER. It makes me dizzy and want to disappear into thin air.

After giving it a thought,“a child of my own”. Uncanny.

I wonder if artists can hate their art. Their creation? More specifically the one forged by blood, fate, and bone. A chill runs through my spine at the very thought of being But if I ever do become a parent, I know that my child will never be a burden. My child will be loved. Loved without any strings attached. No conditions, no terms. My child will never go to bed with an aching heart or eyes full of tears. There would be nothing we couldn't solve together. Home will not be the first place they will learn to run from. There will be no closed doors. No yelling, no hurting. We will talk it out. There will be respect. There will be faith. There will be an explanation. I will tell them it's okay to feel. It's a part of being human. They'd owe me nothing, but I'd owe them the world. There would be family movie nights, fun picnics, and hiking, which I wouldn't want to go to, but my little family would convince me otherwise, and it would be the best thing I've done. There would be date nights just for me and my partner. We'd go out somewhere romantic, and I'd have my red dress on, or some days we'd stay home in our pajamas and dance in the refrigerator light to our favorite song. We'd grab coffee in the morning after dropping the kids off at school, and I would rant about the arrogant new employee, and we'd have a good laugh at our nosy neighbors. We would go for late-night drives and ice cream. We'd be the biggest cheerleaders of our kids, and they would never have to worry about us not showing up because we always will. They will know that we are always there for them, come hell or water. After having a bad day, they’d crawl their way up in our room and I would tell them stories, and my husband would make his silly little jokes. 

'Having children is the most amazing experience,' and my kids will have learned this from us, the parents. 

I hope, when they grow up, they will never consider not having children.

By Araina Soni