Your First Love

By Mannat Kaushik

i miss you.

i write a few things.

and then i fear coming back to you.

i delete those texts. again. before they reach you. again.

just so you know i still love you.

and maybe things will be right again.

but for now, there's no us.

maybe every falling apart will bring us together. again.

august slipped away from my hands.

we fell in love. it was a free fall.

when you say i might not be special to you.

i fear you not looking at me from across the hall.

will you just be mine?

after all our fights?

will you still love me?

will you still fear losing me as i do?

i hope i am not the only one feeling it all.

living just for the hope of it all.

that maybe one day you'd kiss me again.

and tell me it'll be okay.

you say we'd be friends and i say that too.

but i won't be able to help it when we'll come running back to you.

i say to trust the process, and you say that too.

but i can't stop thinking about when in the future you'd fade away like a hue.

i know the future is not known.

it scares me to even think about me without you.

i know that we are just a possibility,

but right now, i'd change all odds to be with you.

will you compliment me like you did?

after all that we said?

will you hug me the way you did?

after all the times i felt blue?

all your songs. all our songs.

all your pictures. all our pictures.

i envy anyone getting the best of you.

weren't we supposed to last? just me and you?

i want you back, i want us back, but i can't.

my heart sobs and why, we don't know.

i wonder if you cry for me too,

i think i love you more than i know.

will i still be the main character of your dreams?

will i still be the girl you think of when you lose yourself to the night?

will i still be the one you fantasize about when you listen to your songs?

will i still be the only one you love? perhaps your first love?

i want to know but maybe i don't. perhaps it's more than i know. maybe more than you know. maybe more than we know, but we want to. but i'm scared, baby.

i am petrified to answer if i'd still love you.

- also just so you know, your name is still saved with our heart on my phone.

By Mannat Kaushik