What Do I Call You Now?

By Indratapa Routh

I still remember, years ago,

When you first walked in through the yellow gates.

Floral suit, crimson blush,

Warmth in the depths of your honey-brown pools. You were beautiful.

The sequins that bordered your pink coloured scarf

Cast patterns on my roof like the milky-way;

Not once did your divine melodies miss

To tug at every single string of my heart.

Why then, when I look at you now,

Do I see a twisted shadow of who you used to be?

What do I call you now?

I recall my hands reaching for yours,

I recall you taking them, grabbing them tight.

We matched our tunes and conquered the world.

Every stage we walked together onto,

In our trademark white, scarlet and gold,

The surroundings knew to shush it's buzz

Into a lingering concentration.

Magic was about to happen.

You were glorious, and indeed, magic it was!

How else would I have learnt to believe,

If it wouldn't be for you by my side?

Why then, do I feel now,

That you don't deserve to know

How many pictures of you I had stuffed in my pocket,

On days I would feel like I couldn't?

What do I call you now?

I remember distinctly your tricks of power play,

How you would pull me close,

and in a second push away.

Was my trust only ever a toy to you?

Had no interest in your mind games.

All I ever wanted to do was stay.

Then why all of that trapping me

In your invisible curtain of shame?

No, it wasn't no knife on my back,

It was your slow poison, gradual and deadly,

Turning all things sweet in my life to sour.

We were supposed to join voices,

Not race till our lungs give out.

You said we were a team, but you were malicious. Today, when I look back,

devoid of rose tinted glasses,

I see so clearly what all I didn't deserve.

What do I call me now?

A clown, a darned fool, for all I know.

I put my faith in you!

Funny how your smile, tiny wrinkles around your eyes.

Make for the perfect venus flytrap.

You're prettier, of course, more fit to play that role.

but I became the Snow-white of circumstance.

On receiving your luscious looking apple.

What did you know about my soul?

My home, my grace, my family?

Your little knowledge didn't stop you though

From tainting my worth with a crooked smirk on.

I watched you deliver, blow after blow.

And come back soon, patch my wounds like you care

Packing your first-aid kit right after.

And disappearing into thin air.

A vicious cycle went on and on...

I was hurt, and you were cruel.

Caught up in the mesh of false promises,

All I could do was flash a teary smile.

And wish you well at all times.

What do I call me now?

In retrospect, perhaps, it was a mutual fault.

You couldn't put an end to your ruthless hot and cold.

I couldn't stop the flow of my endless devotion.

Terrifies me how the sound of you

Which once soothed my restless soul

Now makes every drop of my blood boll in rage.

You do not get to do this, you really shouldn't get

To make me want to go back to yesterday.

By casting just one glance at me this evening.

Sometimes when my lids close onto each other.

Your belted harmonies make me want to dream.

Inevitably, but, open my eyes.

And remind myself in an Instant

What had made me leave.

Sorry, you fooled me into showing you my scars.

Sorry that I bothered you with my love.

Standing here, you are nothing.

That I would bother putting a name to.

Was respect even present in our equation?

Was it ever, in the least, reciprocated?

Guess I'd never know. never get to ask you.

What do I call us now?

By Indratapa Routh