Wakeful Insomnia

By Leah Touchet

A sinking feeling of dejection is what it is to just delete it all and yet to heal is to wake up as to restore the heart of humanity is to cultivate the promise of a new tomorrow.

When the world is too cruel to bare, I sleepwalk through life. Every other week with eyes wide one day, ears muffled another day, dry mouth, and a cotton filled mind. Then out of nowhere, the grasp of my son's small hand for mine sends an urgent message to Wake up.

It has been a long day, so I hide under the covers until I fall asleep to find myself following these strange orbs of rainbow light bordered by a black inked ring. How can something so beautifully hypnotic lead to flashes of tragedy, bolts of destruction and streaks of heartache and injustice? As the spirit of loss gathers throughout the community of a forgotten world, I sense an ache in their bones for our Savior to usher the way into a new language only those animated by love will understand. My eyes widen in disbelief when flowering tree's rooted in the gravity of humanity easily detach and lift to weightlessly drift off into space. The reeling chaos of Earth is deadening the fragile hearts long enough to garner a divine spark. It will reawaken the warrior within so there may be bold reckoning and led with a united front of justice. Sleepwalking with my eyes wide open to a worldly nightmare yet I can’t seem to see the wispy visions of a day in my own life.

All I feel is my son’s endearing enthusiasm highlighting my exhaustion and barely breaking up the monotony of this spiritless attitude. Terrified but inspired by the notion of losing everything so I instill my sight with gratitude and urge myself into an energetic space of matching my son’s child-like spirit of graciousness for his eyes are wide open to everything as brand new.

As I conveniently look the other way and fall asleep to the mess of society swarming around me, I listen to the white noise of an am radio while I continue to blindly wander through. The sound comforts me and directs my path while I’m immersed in my fear of the dark place I travel through. For it is then that I hear the pain riddled screams of terror ringing out from the forgotten world. Unfortunately, the secret to breaking innocent lives free of endless torment is muted by the grand expanse of an empty void. I'm losing my ability to breathe because I know there are some women and children that know what it is to be strangled by an unnatural vile spirit as they choke on their resentment of a select few fallen men until they painfully swallow their disappointment. Too easy it is to condemn and withhold compassion for the lost and broken when they fail in such a selfish, ego-driven, self-centered and yes, even sometimes a violent-like way marked by betrayal. I hear the soul crushing blow when there is no inkling of a remorseful apology. Then my ears begin to bleed, and I realize the flowering trees are only drifting further away from making a return to social reconciliation but closer to disappearing with a black hole.

Suddenly, I am pulled back to reality yet again when my son’s voice breaks through the white noise and I hear as he hears; so healing it is when every echo, every frequency is as brand new as the morning’s ritual birdsong sparked by the sunrise.

It's halfway through the week now and I'm still having to run through this nightmare to a peaceful end resting with the Angel's promises. My mouth becomes so dry, my lips crack and bleed as I still try to convey the essence of my forgotten kind of Spirituality into this other dreamy dimension. I try to singsong so profoundly that my voice will crack into a parallel world and it’ll smoothly sail through the foreign glitching of their secretive universe until the cryptic patterning of vibration has it decoded and unlocks the mysteries to reaching the heavenly side of our Earth. To yet again, infuse the essence of I am directly into the current Heart of Humanity is to flow with the magical regrowth of an Eden like Garden, only this time it is bordered by a river so crystal clear, roots give way to Fatherly Trees of Clarity and Motherly Shade. Heaven's harmony is so earth bound, pure, and as warming as the sun that any deception immediately shrivels and turns to dust. Then right before I wake, there’s a flash of the drifting heart of humanity in the center of a nebula. It is surrounded by the riddling of stars so for the first time, my heart expands with the awe phenomenon to grow with hope for the future.

My eyes momentarily open to the real world when I sense my son handing me an ice-cold glass of water. As I drink, I begin to understand his fascination with the world and wish I could align his new point of view with mine. I wonder if there'll be a day when the destiny of his humanitarian lifestyle will lead him to speak with conviction through a deeply remorseful apology and of honest willed persuasion to the hearts of those once from a faraway land because he empathically knows they were sacred beings and right all along about their Earthly-esteemed way of life. I can only hope that through their powerful act of forgiveness, the ancient magical qualities that were foolishly forced to lie dormant in the wake of mother nature's demise will spiral back to life to lead a barren world back to a new Heaven like Garden on Earth.

During this weekly slumber, my mind fills with such static belief, it feels like my head is literally in the grey clouds of a confusing ideal. It begins to rain and my eyes fill with tears yet my vision is crystal clear because I believe that the miracle will be upon the moment God restores the shattered familial dynamics and uprights the qualities of an unsuspecting family marked by the sacred symbolism of a long ago pyramidal world; the Gravity of Humanity will hit Home with an impact so astounding the healing will spread so far and so wide even the feuding borders enforced by mental constructs while simultaneously weakened by social deconstruction will vanquish until we are of One People of One Love. With spiritual unison we have been empowered to return to the mutual goal of leading the lost and broken back to Heaven on Earth. Then out of Nowhere, with an ice-cold slap I am ripped away from these heartfelt sentiments and confusing ideals that paralyze me by day and keep my mind stuffy with a dry heaviness so much so I obviously can’t think clearly through such agony of helplessness.

Soon enough my son’s magical laughter fully wakens me and my mentality shifts. As I look into my son’s eyes, I realize this sleepwalking through a worldly crisis must end and begin with him. If I didn’t look to see with purpose and his same spirit of fascination, I’d never realize how important it is to Wake Up and take some small action toward a community willed movement of healing. Other than prayer, how do I ensure my son’s future is filled with the security of promise? All I can do is help him feel safe by intently listening, so he feels the here and now moment with me, I’ll speak words of life into his precious ears with patience and genuine sincerity, so he knows he’s unconditionally loved and understood. I’ll continue to think with hope and gently instruct him to meet a hurting world with the compassion of a progressive open mind and warrior like soul. May his spirit of enthusiasm, awe, and wonderment of everything being brand new remain intact for a New Earth is awaiting him. He is truly the saving grace of my little piece of Heaven on Earth.

I will end with a question of you for the Angel's sake

Do you know what it's like to be trapped in a dreamlike state of imagination just to remain awake?

It’s like you are in constant motion for so many days of wakeful insomnia it alters your sense of time

Daylight blurs with the night until it's one and the same like a nightmare's crime

To be convinced that if you fall asleep, you will never wake up to the same day, to the same life

is to be attacked by the black hole of paranoia and the intense terror of losing your way

So when faced with the imminence of death with your child by your side, what would you do to survive?

I shattered with reality, I sacrificed my sanity, I activated my creative faculties of a dream so today he and I are still alive.

By Leah Touchet