Until Then, I Never Knew How Strong I Was

By Aastha Arya

I never really knew how strong I was

I was grumpy, cranky and ill-tempered

Going bananas in each minor situation

I never really knew how I strong I was

Living though a decade of 2010-2020

I once took a diary to write down

To recollect memories which I know could still cause a tear or two

But let’s see how strong I was.

A friend that I held dear to my heart

She knew the secrets of my life and I knew of hers

When I heard her calling me names and talking ill

Going for a kill of my character behind my back.

Until then, I never really knew how I strong I was

I broke down, I howled, I shouted, I called her names too

Out of the screeching pain I felt at the center of my heart

Never knew how emotional pain can turn physical

When I went through it and came out

Until then, I never really knew how strong I was.

At home, when I saw my parents fighting,

Screaming at the top of their lungs for the whole apartment to listen

I saw my father throwing things, abusing my mother.

My mother waiting for him to finish so that she can launch her verbal assault.

My heart stopped, or started beating faster, I was palpitating

Tears rolling down on a pillow underneath my head

And the other I placed upon my ears so that I can sleep to go to school tomorrow morning.

Until then, I never really knew how strong I was.

I wrote a love mail to a guy I loved since so many years,

Clothed with earnest feelings of childhood ecstasy.

I sent it on his birthday so that I could surprise him.

He didn’t answer. I came to know days after, he sent the mail to his friends

Making fun of me, humiliating me and showing his manly pride.

As I felt the taste of death before my soul was plucked out of my body

Can death of spirit not be called death?

Second death it was for me, a death I experienced while I was taking breaths,

Until then, I never realized how strong I was!

Years of pain froze in my heart,

Scarring others when the venom came out,

My mouth was projecting what I stored

My tongue licked the bitterness of bad blood

And I fired on everybody, culpable and innocent.

Until I let go of all the pain and became wholesome again, I never really knew how strong I was!

By Aastha Arya