Unspoken

By Hrishit Pandey

In the break of the night and at the brim of morning this night unfolds. This involves a wife and a husband who have been living together for some time now. With time dependencies change, responsibilities change, interests change, desires change, aims change, hopes change and people change. It is one such change that drives the exposition of this tale.

The husband lay down quietly on the bed. His body felt stiff, with every change of side the bitterness that has overcome him since the last few weeks meeked pungently at every crossroads of muscles and bones. The tendons tenderly and submissively gave in to the supernatural reality of his weak body. The brain was under the mind’s effect which is sufficiently diverged from either’s sanity. His body might not be at his best but he wasn’t in discomfort as a whole. For weakness, tiredness, stiffness, and fever just need tending to and some rest. Rest - he was giving himself. And his wife was there to tend to him. She has always been there. The illness came as a surprise to both of them after their marriage. But his wife was very brave. Part of the reason why he feels so blessed. Because this woman has no reason to tend to a physically immobile man. But she still chose to do so; and by her own choice. The man’s bond has tightened severely with the woman - and it was not because of trust, or because of love but out of respect. According to the man it takes real strength to accept such bleak reality for the rest of your life. This limitation - not just physical but every aspect of human desires; was accepted as presented with no reality to blame. He loved his wife dearly, there is no supposition about that. And yes, it is true that he has never told her even in plain simple words - that he loves her. It stemmed from his reasoning of not associating emotions with love. Words don’t need to bear the responsibility of expressing your emotions. There are a few things that need not be conveyed. That is the beauty about those things. But right now as he was lying down - he felt the strongest desire to hug his wife and keep her close to his arms. Even if his body doesn’t allow it - he was willing to accept a little pain as he grabbed his wife around his stiff arms. But in the present his wife was not home and out with her friends to enjoy a party.

The wife slowly opened the door making as little noise as possible to wake her husband. But she was feeling very unpleasant and she was completely overcome with this innate desire of waking her husband up. She had made up her mind that she won’t wake him up if he is sleeping but if he is awake she will definitely confront him. Such uneasiness is often premeditated and causal from historic incidents; chaining up together sometimes otherwise just a major recent incidental stimulus. The latter was the matter with our heroine. The woman entered slowly into the room.

As the door opened slowly the husband tried to raise his head. But due to the stiffness he decided to just inform his spouse that he is awake by just snapping his fingers. He uttered no words out of playfulness and just snapped his fingers 3 times, back to back each time with more intensity.

snap. snap. snap.

The wife froze at her place. Her mind was already shaken up and these snaps came in uninvited. When the mind is already suffering with guilt and the human conscience is suffering with uncontrolled scrutiny, every little reaction brings forth an unnecessary reaction. The wife was dumbfounded as she was pounded three times back to back by the gavel her husband used to dictate his authority. She was entering home at 4 am. She had left her ill husband at home alone. And to top it all she is returning home after committing a taboo. And right now her husband is demanding answers from her. He has every right to. But how can she answer him when she doesn’t has the strength to face her own questions. Nevertheless, the snaps meant that her husband was awake. And it was time to come clean.

The husband could feel his wife coming in close. He was waiting for her to say anything. But she had decided the silence to communicate until her voice suppresses both communication and silence.

“I am home. But before you acknowledge my presence or even look towards me, I want to confess something”, the wife spoke.

The husband was a little shocked. His wife was standing behind his back and had declared him to stay where he was in the state he was in. This was not the greeting he was expecting. He was a little frightened to hear about the confessing point and its implications. But he decided to wait and see what she means.

“As you know I had gone out today for dinner. All my friends were there. The exact count you knew were there. All of us had decided to leave the personal life behind for a few hours and just live the night all out. We were all intoxicated and completely drunk. The DJ was blasting amazing music. And you know how I love to dance. So I went there intoxicated, dancing uncontrollably to the music. But there is more. And I have been blaming myself for this part. While I was there dancing, there came 2 men from the dancing crowd towards me. They sandwiched me between them and started to match my rhythm. I wanted to break free but was trapped in between the crowd. So I continued to dance. I didn’t initiate a struggle. I don’t understand the reason why but I fear a possibility. While I was dancing there in between those 2 men I felt joy. It was not the joy that was brought by those men, it need not be remotely related to them. But my circumstances which I now see; see that happiness with scrutiny. I already hate that woman who was dancing with those two men. I already despise the happiness that I felt back then. The 2 men peacefully backed off in some time while I was still there dancing elevating the happiness I attached myself to. I don’t really understand that attachment and that happiness. And right now I am afraid. I love you dearly and I can pledge that this happiness is inclusive of you. But yet I am afraid. I don’t understand why that is. I have said what I wanted to. I am not relieved but some proportion of discomfort has certainly left me.”

The husband listened calmly to all that she said. His calmness in expression was not backed by calmness in thought. He was not worried about his wife. He believed her to the core. He started to analyse himself as he spoke the following words while still showing her his back.

“Dear. I don’t blame you. I believe you more than I believe anyone else. Someone who has been by my side in such rough days cannot ever betray me. What even is betrayal? I don’t value your company because of your fidelity to me. Instead it has grown over the years for the better or the worse. I consider you an irreplaceable companion of respect. I don’t govern this relationship under the parameters of fidelity or trust. That would be very narcissistic of me to expect even that from you. I am relieved every time I see you coming back to me. To say that I get surprised is an understatement of what I feel when I see you tending to me after all these years. Devoting such time and refusing supposed pleasures for my sake continuously, leaves me at no position to judge you of your actions. I am not saying I feel indebted to you. That is not it. But all I am saying is that I don’t count it as a crime that you go out once in a while and enjoy life - the kind I am unable to provide you.”

The husband often speaks coherently and with immense clarity. But he always refuses to understand that these words carry different meanings in different grounds. Many might consider these as rather monotonic or even robotic words driven so away from emotions that it might do more harm than good. The husband is well aware how he has bound his wife. He feels guilty because of all the time she has lost because of him. He even despises this emotion - love; because of which his wife has been expected by society and out of love itself - to devote her time to him. Dreaming of a reality in which he is healthy is futile. And given the current circumstances there has not been one day when he has slept fulfilled because of how due to him his wife is living. His weight of responsibilities have gone to her. But how can he communicate that to her? It would feel like a mocking to her emotion. It is even disrespectful to think like this but a strong mind under strong medicines couldn’t stop but think. That is the only activity his body has allowed him to do without pain.

To the wife, it was surprising how little affected her husband was. There was no reaction from him. He had even not attempted to shift his side. Her mind already victimised was at the brink of torture when her husband completely ignored her big conundrum. Such little resentment can come from little affection only. She started to remember how distant her husband has been for the last few weeks. She used to ignore this idea, as she knew that her husband is under immense pain and under strong medicines. But she had expected atleast something from him. She had been blaming herself the whole night. She has still not spared herself from her own scrutiny. She is a woman of honour and self-respect. Did her husband not expect something so important from her? Was their relationship just standing on the grounds of respect? Did he just respect her because she was tending to him. She knew she was not doing it out of respect. She wanted him to get better as soon as possible. Because she loved him. It was that simple. Why does he think like that? Lack of expectations either come from complete trust or just not caring. She even hates the idea of thinking what she was thinking right now, yet she was thinking. In an intoxicated mind, with constant thoughts of self-blame and immense scrutiny it becomes difficult to keep your thoughts in check.

Amidst that a strong idea surging from the same moral grounds struck each of them.

The wife - When you think about it. I don’t remember the last time he said he loved me. I knew it always, that he does. But he has never used words to convey that to me. Do I not deserve that? I don’t want him to. But how would I comfort myself if he repeats what he said today. Our relationship is on the bonds of respect? Just respect. I refuse to respect that idea. That cannot sustain us. I will talk to him about that once he gets better. Right now, I don’t want his mind to be occupied by this. I have done wrong and I will reflect on it. We need to discuss about it.

The husband - All this time. I have respected my wife. Not just respect but trust. And this should be noted that the trust is not just out of respect. But has something changed over the weeks? Do I just like her company because she is there to tend to me. Do I blame myself because of this selfishness. If I am doing that, do I agree that I have become selfish? I feel grateful that is true but that is happening at the expense of someone’s peace. I cannot ask her to stop, nor can I accept that I feel grateful because she is with me. I need to make my mind. I cannot deliver such dishonesty to my wife. When she is out there working for my sake, how can I not be honest with her. She deserves that. I will need to talk to her. But right now it appears she is facing some unresolved issues of her own. I have conveyed my disinterest about them, so I believe it is unimportant to further pursue the conversation right now. I need to talk with her soon.

In the room, as the night was breaking apart something of value broke too. The misunderstanding arose from different moral grounds each subject to different scrutiny by the same 2 people involved. Let’s just hope grounds are not further distanced. To know that we will have to wait for time and see if the time waits for them too.

By Hrishit Pandey