To My Father, With Love

By Javeria Ahmed

Seventeen years have passed since I lost my father and not a day goes by when I don’t think about him or miss him. As cliched as it may sound, my father has always been my hero and I've looked up to him in every possible way. I have thought about writing a memoir but have been at a loss to do so, words will always fall short of doing justice to my papa, as we fondly called him, as he was too good to be true.

Accepting and coming to terms with the loss of a parent is nearly impossible; however, I am a person of faith and I’ve reconciled with the will of Divinity so this write up is not to mourn the loss of papa but to celebrate his life.

Almost every child has gratitude coupled with love for the parents as they spend their entire lives nurturing and providing for their children, they set aside their own aims and aspirations for the sake of their kids; it is the purest form of unconditional love. I am, besides all that, grateful for so much more my father gave me.

Papa’s love literally gave me wings, nothing seemed impossible with my father by my side; he gave me confidence and courage, his care and attention made me very secure and self reliant. I don’t think I have ever been insecure of anything or anyone in my life; although I have envied people every now and then but otherwise I have been very content with who I am. It wouldn’t have been like this if it weren’t for my father; the love he gave me is enough to last a lifetime therefore I have never chased it or felt any kind of deprivation in any way.

Papa’s love and affection for me knew no bounds, I was the youngest so in all probability, he had a blind spot for me. I vividly remember that he used to peel oranges in a particular way for me as I ate them like that. He knew the fruits I liked and always cut them out with utmost finesse for me. He always got fancy stationery items for my school work. From candies to dolls he got everything I ever wished for. Even when I was much older, I had to catch my university bus at six in the morning and he used to get up before his usual time to drop me off at the bus stop, al though it was at walking distance from our home but he did that for my sake, my comfort meant more to him than his own and in spite of repeated requests to stay put, he insisted on doing so. Ultimately, he got me my own car so that I could move about independently. 

He always gave me the freedom to make my own choices and reassured me that he’d have my back when it came to facing the consequences.

I can go on and on about the kind of caring and selfless father he was but his devotion wasn’t confined to his own family, he was equally devoted to his job, friends, extended family and colleagues. Papa had a remarkable career as an army doctor and he is till date revered and respected by all those who knew him.

If life is actually a stage as Shakespeare says, then from being an obedient son, an extraordinary husband, a loving brother and a devoted father, he played all these roles perfectly. His inner compass never malfunctioned and he taught my siblings and I the greater lessons of life by demonstrating rather than preaching. I have been a witness to how he worked towards becoming more kind, compassionate and disciplined through the passage of life; there was a deliberate effort on his part to become a more conscientious and honest version of himself. Few people have that kind of self awareness and even fewer, who try to replace their vices with their virtues but my father did all that and so much more. His optimism was envious, his ability to laugh at the most ordinary jokes and sitcoms was infectious. His sincerity towards his tasks, be it as mundane as keeping his car in an immaculate condition or something high profile related to his job, was noteworthy; he did everything wholeheartedly. Papa loved abbreviations and had them ready for almost all occasions. His smile, charm and brilliant personality coupled with a pure soul and a child-like innocence made him an exceptional human being.

Even though I have made peace with him not being with me, doesn’t mean I don’t have any regrets. I wish I could rewind my life and tell him how much I love him everyday; I regret not giving him my first pay cheque, I regret that he isn’t here to celebrate my achievements, he isn’t here to cherish my children. I feel a void when I visit my home and he isn’t there. I have his photos to look at his beautiful smile and cherish the memories I have of him in my heart. There are so many things I want to do and so much more I want to say, I couldn’t even say goodbye properly because I was in denial when he left us unexpectedly, it took me a lot of time to accept the fact that he had gone.We kept his belongings for quite some time and it felt surreal to have material possessions around us but the man himself. He taught me profound lessons even in the wake of death; nonetheless , I will try to carry his legacy forward, his kindness and empathy, his fearlessness and unparalleled sophistication will live on in some form or another.

On a parting note, I find solace in the fact that my father lived a wholesome life and he is in a much better place.

I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect father and I am so proud to be his daughter. If every girl had a papa like mine, the world would be a much better place. Even though papa isn’t here but i feel he will always be with me in spirit, a part of him will live in my heart forever. Papa’s love has always been my strength and a guiding force, he will always be my ‘North Star’, helping me find my way home.

By Javeria Ahmed