To A and A

By Sudharshan Raajkumar E

You make me write in the past tense,

On the 18th of July 2016,

Aarushi,

I did not know you very well. I know now that I wish I could have. We only ever shared a best friend. You had a pretty face. A face that was so bright; so bright it would take me to summers in Kerala. Summers that I longed to see. I was almost positive I saw them in your eyes. You had a spirit so powerful I was drawn to it, like the moon to her earth. I was in awe. How could someone be so strong and yet, so kind? A kind soul. A soul that takes me back to chilly Gokarna shores. I saw you in Gokarna. You were that shooting star; only we will know which one.

You would ask me if I wanted to help with the decorations. I could never say no. I never wanted to. Not to you. Children's day celebrations were always a blast. Always with you. You had a way with people. Charming as ever. I was charmed. I was in love. In love- with your existence. Someone with that charm, was not made for a deceitful world like ours. I would think this to myself sometimes. I think back to this thought more than sometimes now. Now, since apparently, my thoughts were opinions worth considering. Someone had listened to these thoughts. Someone had, in fact, more than just listened. How I wish they hadn’t.

I would be seated with our best friend. You would come toward us with the biggest smile. A smile that could make my heart beat just right. You could heal people. And you didn’t even know it. You fixed me before you broke me. I was broken for what felt like forever when I heard you quit. A small but beautiful part in me - a part that could try and fit you, fix you, un-break you, will always be that way. Broken. You would joke about the weather. Who jokes about the weather and lands it? You did. Every time. Maybe this is why you remind me of summers and breezes and summer breezes. Our best friend feels strongly about this. In a good way, I'm sure. But it doesn’t matter now.

You had gorgeous jawlines. Lines that could have been shaded like Mickey Mouse’s had been by Walt Disney. Perfectly. I am positive you painted. You were not a painter. You were an artist. You saw the world, and you listened to her. Maybe this is why she wanted you all to herself. Wanted- you before you were ready. Before, I was ready. You could not have possibly also had a way with words. But you did. Birthday wishes that I will cherish forever.

Everyday nothings were always today somethings with you. You said things like this. Things- that I will take to my grave. Things- that I wish you took to yours.

Anirudh,

I knew you well. I know now that I would not change a thing. I met you eight days before you died. I should not have let you go back home. If, I had known that you were about to leave me for good, I would not have let you go. We grew up in many phases. We shared some phases. You made them better. You made me better. I shared my better phases with you. And you with me.

You always had a smile on your face. But the smile you had that day - eight days before you died, the day that I saw you before you died, was different. You knew it was coming. And you didn’t tell me. To this day, I do not understand why. Why you chose to leave me behind, I will never know. Your reason to have left me will only be as good as my best guess. And my intuition is mediocre at best. You were the one with good intuition in this duo. And it was supposed to be that way forever. You took that away from me. You took that from us. I hate you for that. I hate you.

I miss you most of the time now. Deaths and eulogies and whatever this is - I am coming to realize, are for the living, are for me. You did not seem to care too much about this when you left. Upon retrospection, I can only recollect a self-obsessed prick. A- manipulative, someone that could influence anyone he wanted to. A- popular, someone who could make any girl his if he wanted to. And not knowing your reasons to have chosen me to nag will haunt me for a lifetime. And yet, I wish it was you that would haunt me instead. I hate that I hate you. I hate you.

You taught me how to make the most out of this life. You took me to my first open mic. I, hate open mics. But you took me anyway. You took me to my first club. A book-club. You never did read. You never saw the world the way I saw it. You saw it better. You saw it worse. You saw the world for what it was, and I knew that. But I also knew that you saw its potential and that scared you. I did not know that it would scare the life out of you. I should have known. I knew you. I think I did. I hope I did.

Because we were not friends on paper. Because the world did not know of us, I did not get to see you leave. I missed your ashes to ashes. I could not see the part of you that you had left behind in this world. And for this, I will hate the world. I promise to try to make it better than the one you left behind. Sometimes I think you should have taken me with you. A world without you seems like a July at best. So much promise with so little reward. So much downpour with so, so much downfall. I hate you.

I loved you. I knew this only when we lost touch. When, I thought about the memories that I made with you. About our better phases together. The childlike innocence I shared with your quick-witted mastermind only promised good memories. And they were. They were great memories. But they were only that. You were only that. A memory to me. And somehow, now that you are a memory to everyone, I can’t help but hate you for it. For being so selfish. For leaving me to fend for myself. For not giving me the strength to remember you. Not as a memory that everyone will use to channel you. I could never. I would never. I hate you.

I hate myself; for not trying harder when you were alive. I scare myself when I think about the future. When- I think about living with this. Living- with your loss. Living. But you would have wanted me to. You would have always wished this for me. You would have convinced me that I was the better person. And somehow, that meant living in a distasteful world. A world in need of the betterment that could, be offered by a better person alone. And so, you - the seducer you were, would orchestrate this plan with such guile. Such poise. Such love. I would never see it coming. I love you for caring for the world. For all the someones you met along the way and especially for the ones that you didn’t.

I love you.

By Sudharshan Raajkumar E