This Is Not How It Should be

By Sruthi Nambiar

'This is not how it should be,' You think as you watch other parents meet their children's friends.  Their proud expression is something you wish you could wear. You cannot. You stand out in the  sea of formal elegance with your sweatshirt and jeans. You were supposed to wear a suit, but,  when you attempted to wear it, your memories of last time crashed over you. Your grief  threatened to drown you. Currently, that suit hangs in your hotel room. You cannot drown today.  

'This is not how it should happen.' You think this as you watch the students behind you. Their  excited giggles and inane chatter captured your attention earlier. It makes sense, their happiness.  They will receive their degree soon. The degree that they have spent the last few years working  towards. They deserve this recognition. Yet, their excitement grates on your nerves. For you, this  is a sad experience and their constant delight clashes with your grief. 

'This is not how it should go,' You think this as you stand on stage. You are surrounded, yet it is  quiet. These people know your grief, they share your grief. You have never met them but your  son shared stories of them. They know why you are on stage with them, when you should be in  the audience. They know that a year ago, a car crash ripped happiness out of your life and  drained the world of its colours. They wait behind you. 

Once again, grief threatens to drown you. Your child's name gets announced with the title he  earned. Your dead son. His friends hold you up as the master of ceremonies announces his  passing and adds that you will walk the stage on his behalf. 

You stumble more than you walk. The room is silent. Parents watch you in horror and grief. You  are living their nightmare. The students, the students whose excitement and happiness annoyed  you earlier, stand. They stand silently in respect of your son, a man they never knew, and your  grief. Their silent vigilance gives you the strength to collect the degree your son should have  collected.  

This is not how it should be.

By Sruthi Nambiar