The Sun And The Dying Star

By Advika Ojha

I have never been one to pray, for I believe that destiny is in the hands of her makers rather than a power beyond comprehension. Never once have my prayers been answered either, perhaps it’s because I’m much too tainted, or perhaps I’ve never learnt to pray right. It doesn’t matter, it’s too late now anyways.

Once upon a time, no more than 10 years ago, I had carved my heart out and given away the rotten thing for power and comfort. And now as I sit alone in my palace, I feel much too hollow. But then again, I had always been an empty person.My calloused hands graze my chest, a simple touch, tracing the white scars, each as thin as cobweb intersecting one another in intricate patterns. There are many words to describe me, brilliant, cruel, cunning, gifted, twisted, sadistic, awkward, coward, liar and cheat. So many yet not one fits for longer than a few hours at best. My hand reaches for my neck next, as I grasp it tightly, pressing down at pulse points with fingers too lithe and nimble, nails digging into my skin.  It’s on nights like this that I’m tormented by memories, some cold like shadow, striking my weak mind like a predator, some cruel and strong, overpowering my thoughts of redemption in a single attempt. On nights like this I wish that the moon had set with my breath rather than Tsumiki’s.But that’s wistful thinking.

And no God above would fulfill the prayers of one as jinxed as me.False gods and prophets roam the world, heads held up high and those whose souls are purer than the clearest of diamonds are crushed underneath their steps. Tsumiki.Unbeknownst to me a single tear rolls down my cheek, then another, then another, then another as before I can realise I break apart, muffled sobs echoing the lonely, silent halls.A few months ago:The dull afternoon faded slowly as I hiked up the dense forests. Too cold, too slow. The thick outgrowths gradually cleared up as I climbed higher, till I reached a patch of land, devoid of overgrown wines. Strange.Up until last month, there had been no clearings, it was always overpowering nature, growing from every inch of the coarse ground, unbending to any tools, any machinery. So where did this meadow, filled with poppies and lavenders even come from?-

A single voice, a melody too otherworldly, breaks the solitude of the forest.My head snaps towards the forest, and there she was, in all her glory and beauty. Tsumiki. I didn’t know her then, but I had never been too cautious. Life is a feeble thing, and I never valued it much, neither then nor now. So I strolled over, settled down beside her and within moments, it was as if all the troubles of my life had disappeared. We talked till the sun set, till the moon shone brightly in the sky and till the 

“You are far too quiet, y’know. Amma says it’s always the quiet ones who are really cruel,” Tsumiki drawled on, toying with her IV drip tube, her blonde hair covering her face, like soft, golden curtains over a pretty cedar wood stage, “You should speak more, it would do you good.” I looked up from my sketchbook, my pen still in my hand as I sighed. “I can’t draw you if you keep moving, and I’d rather draw you so I remember what you look like when you die. So shut it.” I muttered, resuming my sketch as she tossed an apple towards me.“Die?! I’m 12, I’m too young to die. And besides, Amma says, I’ll be okay in no time. It’s just my anemia. So you don't need to draw me for my memory, draw me because I’m just so pretty.” Tsumiki said, pouting as she toyed with her curls, laying back against the headboard.   

My eyes narrowed as I sliced the apple in half with a blunt knife kept in one corner in the fruit bowl, taking a bite into one half as I offered her the other.“Anemia doesn’t involve hospitalisation unless the case is severe. Your amma is a liar-” My words were interrupted as she tossed a pillow to my face, adding sharply-” My amma is no liar. You take that back this instant.” Just as I was about to retort, the door of the bare, sterile room opened followed by a blurry face and wispy, auburn hair. Auburn hair,....Akairui. He strutted casually, settling down beside me on the white couch as he leaned over, chin resting on my shoulder. “That looks like her, just draw the eyes bigger. She doesn’t have such small eyes.” he muttered, comparing the half-drawn sketch to the pouting doll-face in front of him.I shrugged him off, packing my stuff as I got up. I handed the other half of the apple to Tsumiki, heading wordlessly to the door. Ignoring her conflicted worried expression, tinged with fear, I headed out. Out of the sterile room, out of the bare, white hospital, leaving behind the blonde sheep with the auburn haired wolf who secretly had been devouring her will in the chlorine scented walls, {That was my first mistake, to leave Tsumiki alone with that freak.I was a fool to assume that the worry that etched her demure face was due to my early leave rather than his unannounced, unexpected and unwanted arrival.}  Another few weeks passed and changes developed in the blonde haired darling I had come to befriend. Where once the faint idea of her death would have her screaming, throwing a fit and arguing, she now grew still, nodded even, as if silently accepting it.Where once she would’ve fought tooth and nail for every experience of life, she hardly now desired to leave the bleached walls of her medical sanctum. And Akairui never stopped visiting, sometimes, standing at the doorway, sometimes, lounging on the couch, each time nearer to her than the last.Tsumiki was starting to look horrid, sunken in cheeks, pale skin, dark eye circles and bloodshot eyes. Her hair was moulting off day by day, till she cut it till shoulder length to reduce the mess. No longer did she resemble a porcelain doll, meant to be treasured and cherished but instead  she resembled a ragdoll, torn and damaged at every angle, moments away from demise.I stood in her room once, late afternoon as the sun set over the town, casting an orange shadow over the mountain slope. “Doctor’s say you’ll die now, I think that’s stupid-”“Why?” she asked, her voice hoarse as she sat up slowly, wincing ever so slightly.“Well, because you said you’d live. You said it was just anemia.-”“Well maybe it’s not.-”I stopped in my tracks, placing my sketchbook back on the glass table.  Tsumiki looked away,-”Just-, I just think I- I want to see the fireworks, will you take me?”A change in conversation, one I welcomed as I nodded, face flushed slightly. Tsumiki may have accepted her death, but I sure hadn’t. How could the world lose its sun? She was bright, in a way that lit the world around her, a flurry of emotions and colours so bright, I found myself squinting to stare up at her glory. I had begun to dread the days I didn’t visit her, craving her warmth like a woman deprived of light craved its heat. On days I was with her, her spontaneous bursts of energy, of joy, wore me down, but as I would prepare to leave those wretched, sanitized halls, I’d notice her beauty, her soft calmness like the setting sun, and wonder how had she ever worn me down? How could I ever grow tired of the sun?Weeks passed as I dropped by each day, bringing flowers, presents, news about anything she’d like, as if I weren’t her friend but a devotee to a lord, displeased by circumstances, trying to cheer her up. After all, I needed my sun.

Akairui never stopped visiting either, his presence far too unavoidable. He spoke softly, spew poison, cruel tales of our “friends”, suffering misfortunes in their lives, no laughing matter in my eyes but Tsumiki found comfort in his horrid words and I let him stay, for, even if only for a moment, he would return to me my brilliant Tsumiki, the star that could never burn out, lest her death would shroud the world in an inescapable darkness. I’d never known what he told her, all those nights they stayed together, only that he gifted her strange things, clovers and red spider lilies and ropes.

 The day we met, I had promised to take her with me, to see the fireworks at the beach point in our town, in Hakodate, before I would return to my academy, in Tokyo. A final goodbye before a new future for me. I had promised, and I was one to keep promises. Why?Why had I taken her? Something had been brewing between Akairui and Tsumiki, that much I had noticed. So why had I taken her, when instead I could’ve sat beside her and talked it out? I would’ve told her how much she meant to me, how much I cherished her, how-..how I loved her.The fireworks were bright, too bright and too loud and -Tsumiki stood beside me, warm and bright for the first time in months. She was well dressed, blonde hair well tied, a single red spider lily in her hair, as she gazed up at the show of light, all while I stared with awe at the sheer display of beauty beside me. No mortal deserved to be in her presence, too pure she was for me, even then. I yearned to touch her, to hold her hand. Slowly I reached forward, my fingers tracing the back of her palm as the crowd cheered on. She looked at me, and for a moment all was still. My heart beat too fast, my breath held in my chest. Too daunting.- I took a deep breath, slowly pulling my hand away. Too bold– She grabbed onto it last minute, intertwining her fingers with mine. It was as if the breath had been forced out of my lungs. I held what little control I had in me as my grip tightened on her hand. Cheeks sunken in, skin pale as snow, eyebags swollen and large, hair streaking white,- Tsumiki would forever be divine. Divine and, in my eyes, eternally a deity worth worshipping, if I could I would drop to her altar and sacrifice myself to her. 

She needed a moment soon after, the walk till the beach point had taken a toll on her. I nodded softly, gesturing towards the bridge, known for its sweet sights. “Maybe there?”We stood together for a while, until I left, to fetch water. She needed a drink, her throat parched, and I needed to calm my beating heart.

Why hadn’t I held on tighter that night? Held her close and whispered all the assurance that I could about, how I’d never leave, how she’d never die, how everything would be fine, how- how we would get out happily ever afters too. We were so young, innocent, unburdened, barely 15.

Water bottle in hand, I returned to our spot, noticing someone quite similar to  Akairui, heading away. Was it Akairui? Or was it someone else?- The silhouette certainly matched- I dropped the water bottle I was holding, my gaze falling over the scene unfolding in front of me. On the bridge, as the bright fireworks went off in the background.The dim lights of the fireworks illuminated the body hanging limply from the bridge. Tsumiki, hung from the railing, the rope taut due to her weight. My Tsumiki, the brightest of suns, had set. I dropped to my knees, an anguished inhuman scream ripping through my throat. My Tsumiki. TsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumikiTsumiki—-

I called the paramedics. Frozen in place, I thought of nothing but the light fading in my life.The paramedics arrived soon after, a mess of loud noises and the sounds of the ambulance as a crowd of passersby began to form. 

Frantically, I reached for her body as they disentangled it from the rope, Tsumiki. Tsumiki, they pushed me aside, ushering me away, handing me the slip of paper that was in her cold lifeless hands

A single note, a letter, for me.

They carried her away in the ambulance as I sat there, on my knees, tears streaming down my face, as the sound of laughter and fireworks echoed in the background.

Joy in the air, celebration of the new year. The beginning of the New Year with a setting sun.

I wish I never left her alone at the beach point.

I wish I never left her alone with Akairui at the hospital..

I wish I had told her.

I wish I had loved her right.

And I wish that I too had died that night.

But dying would be a blessing, I’d rather my life were a curse, I’ll live, not because I want to, but because dying is a blessing and I deserve the torment of guilt and loneliness and anguish.

It’s all too dark ahead, for my sun is gone. Perhaps I deserve to roam alone for eternity, cold and in the dark.

______________________________________________________________________________

Bonus- Letter of Tsumiki to Sumire

“Dear Sumire,

I knew I was bound to die for a while, since the day I was diagnosed. Yet when I met you, for just a moment, I felt I wanted to live, to see the joys that life could bring.

You were my sun, you burnt so bright, so powerful, a fire of passion and fury that I knew I would allow to devour me whole. I needed your fiery fervour, like you needed my company. And eternally in your presence, I sought the small pleasures of life. After all, I could learn a thing or two about living from someone as dauntingly glorious as you.

But in your presence I learned to rot alone too. You were allowed to seek glory in this life, to live and have a life so full of colour that it felt overwhelming. Friends, family and all, you were allowed to seek. But what of me? What of my glory? Nothing.

One as sickly as me didn’t deserve glory, but instead received pitiful glances.

I wanted to be like you, be you even. But not in this life, not like this. Not so sickly and ugly.

Forgive me.

I Love You, so much it scares me to think how lonely it’ll be in my next life, where I may not know you. Perhaps we’ll see each other again, when I burn as bright as you.

And Akairui- Thank you. For your company, for your conversation and for the final push

Tsumiki”

By Advika Ojha