The Seed of Darkness

By Gayatri

If at all there is relief meant for me, whether

it will come with an end to the sufferings alone,

or with an end of me altogether?

There's not much left to bear,

There's nothing new to scare

Every tragedy I've already felt

All dilemmas I've already dealt

It's the same story over and over again

I warn myself every time, all in vain,

No attempt at protecting myself ever works

The threat of self-destruction forever lurks;

Every moment I feel my heart drop

I think I might as well bring it to a stop

Blood rushing like it's looking for an escape

Might as well let it out, take its own shape

The hugs, the touch and the words

that were meant to bring me to calm

Have started weighing me down,

They've started raising an alarm;

Something somewhere somebody

In the faraway past, I know

Planted this seed of darkness

I've watered it, watched it grow;

Everything around me feeds him,

The demon inside, that I now reap;

He stands tall and strong before me,

Every night I try to sleep;

Darkness surrounds, fills the room

Like I said, it's nothing new;

It's so horrifyingly familiar and

familiarly horrifying, that view;

I've been negotiating with him,

Of how he should decide my fate;

I've changed a lot these days

He's taken aback, off late,

I used to pray he let me live still,

Today the thought makes me sick;

Since he's always been offering to kill,

Now I just beg him to make it quick.

By Gayatri