The Halcyon

By Dave Hite

Eyes closed.

Deep breath.

Exhale.

Repeat.

The calming repetition of the routine usually casts a drowsy film over its eyes; utter nothingness latching on to its existence. Tonight brought cracks with the growing darkness, though. The now muddled heap could no longer ignore the pressing emotions that threatened to overtake it. They couldn’t cry. There was no release since it was not human; couldn’t feel the ease tears would bring to its damaged soul. An argument could even be made that it didn’t have a soul; that it was a lifeless object strewn about on the bedroom floor, long forgotten to the landlord of such a land. Yet it did have life, didn’t it? It had the occasional passing thought, the ability to feel love when it was given, an affinity to bring a calming sensation with its presence. That's all you need, right? That’s all the human from this room could do when they were younger. They couldn’t really move by themselves. They had an emptiness plaguing their brain that made the same activities seem fun for hours on end. But most importantly, they gave the best hugs. A gentle squeeze that grew more violent the longer it went on. The seams on its body would be near bursting by the time the human let go for a beat. Yet it enjoyed them all the same. The love that pulsed from heart to stuffing was overwhelming, so thick that it could literally feel the substance pooling in its airy belly. It missed that now. There were no more nights when it could snuggle up to the warm embrace of the human under the velvety covers, no more days when they could lay side by side, basking in the sun as they watched the day fade away. No more hugs greeted it when the human came back from a day trip to a far away place. Living in those halcyonic memories was the only thing that kept it from rotting on the fuzzy carpet when the days appeared longer than years. The only thing that kept it from wasting away….

One major difference between that of a human and itself was that one grew up and the other didn’t. The human of its past was now as tall as the dresser; an obstacle that the discarded toy could not see the top of. Its vantage point from the floor was limited which meant that there was even less of a chance that it would catch the human’s attention once more. The human would return on occasion, usually grabbing a pair of mismatching socks that apparently passed the smell test or taking some textbooks that were required for their daily trip away from home. The toy rarely remembers the human’s features anymore. It marks time by the sound of the tv being turned on and off, the action of doing so resulting in either yelling or silence. The toy would no longer root for the human’s return since it was fruitless to believe that after all this time, the human would decide to change its mind. The days will continue to end on the fuzzy carpet and there will be no breaks in the monotony of the time it will spend lying, forgotten on the floor. A desperation for change has never been higher but there is nothing the toy can do to put an end to its loneliness…

The next day brings the silence of the midday lull to an end. A burst flies through the door and shouts of elation nip the heels of the human as they come bounding into their room. It wants to dismiss this change in atmosphere as simply a fleeting moment; a knock on its imaginary heart that will say it stands no chance again and again. Yet this energy feels different, there is something that nourishes a raw happiness in the human’s stride as they race around the room, chased by…

…a smaller version of themselves. The new human is younger than the first and contrasts heavily with the previous one that it has known for so long. It has deep olive skin compared to the pale peach of the older one. Short pigtails spring from the sides of its head and bob as the young one waddles in the wake of the faster, original human. They are dressed in a traditional kimono that brushes its ankles and twirls around when it dives to catch its elder counterpart. They giggle as they fall to the ground and the toy’s former friend raises the small child onto its lap like it did for the toy so many years ago. The original human kisses the top of the smaller one’s head and whispers something that causes their face to lighten with the wisp of a smile. The small one’s eyes sweep over their new surroundings from the perch of the older one’s lap. Their gaze leaps from the tall desk stacked with comics to the basket of dirty clothes set next to the closet door. After several minutes of calmed silence, the young one’s gaze finally lands on the toy’s slumped figure. The toy holds the young one’s stare and wills it to give them a chance; one chance that could last a lifetime. The first few seconds give nothing away and soon the toy begins to accept yet another defeat, yet as time ticks by, the small human begins to lean for it, pointing to the toy as if it is the only thing that matters in the world. The small one’s whining is heard by the older human and they turn and lay eyes upon the discarded toy for the first time since it was little more than the small one’s height. 

“Do you want the toy?” the original asks the smaller one. “Do you like it?”

Instead of answering, the small human continues to strain towards the toy, accenting its struggle with erratic whimpers and large tears.

“Okay,” says the older one, setting the small child on the ground. “I will get it for you.” The original gets up and crosses the room to the toy, bending over until its fingertips grab it by the scruff of its neck. The human walks back to the smaller one and hands it down, the smaller chubby fingers taking it from the longer slender ones. The toy is immediately enveloped in a hug; one of the good ones that gets more violent the longer it carries on. The toy had forgotten what this love felt like and tried to lean in closer to the warm, beating heart at the center of its new friend. Time slowed, and the only thing that mattered were the hands that held it tight…

A new world met the eyes of young Kim when she raced after Sean, the new boy that she was to call her big brother. She staggered out from the car with the help of her new parents and tried her best to match the older boy’s long strides. She entered the new home and continued down a side hallway, to the end where the boy disappeared through the white eggshell door frame. Once inside, they ran around in circles until she caught him by the ankle and they both went tumbling down in a heap on the ground, giggling from the adrenaline that was now roaring through their veins. Sean picked her up and placed her on his lap as they waited for their breath to catch up with them. Kim studied the room with wonder as she got her first taste of American culture. She saw comics and clothes strewn about the room but the only thing that seemed to matter was the sock animal that lay on the shag carpet beneath them. Its bright colors of blue and orange seemed to match the exotic patterns that were displayed on her own traditional garb. She wanted nothing more than to squeeze it and feel the rough but pleasing texture of the multitude of socks that made up its body. She reached for it, willing for it to move closer but eventually gave in to convincing Sean to get it for her. He noticed her desire and pleasantly asked if she wanted it. His voice sounded distant as her focus zeroed in on the toy. She thought she heard him chuckle as he moved her from his lap and brought the toy to her. Once she found the toy in her grasp, she hugged it with all her might, minutes passing by until she released it and took a better look. The sock animal was a type of bird, its wings wide and short with fringed edges that tickled her palms. The beak was long and sturdy, made from what looked like a group of discarded ballpoint pen caps. As her eyes swept down to the tail, she noticed a small engraving on the edge of the short scrap of fabric. She pointed at it and asked, “What?”

Sean’s gaze moved to the engraving and recognition passed over his face. He cleared his voice and said through a rough whisper, “To my child, I will always love you”. A cloudiness had formed in his eyes and he blinked rapidly to clear them again. “My mother made this toy for me shortly after I was born. It is supposed to be a reminder that my spirit is as unique as the colors of this bird. A halcyon, I think,” he continued. A smile had returned to his face as he looked down at Kim. She had gone back to squeezing the bird's neck.

“Hal-see-on” she repeated, testing out the syllables on her tongue. They came with difficulty but she liked the way they sounded on the older boy’s lips. “I like it!” 

The halcyon stayed with the small human as life moved on from that afternoon. It spent the days chasing after the little human’s endless energy, reeling in the hugs and kisses it received from just being in their presence. The halcyon hoped that it would never again be left on the floor, forgotten by the one who had held it dear for so much of its childhood. They dared not hope, though, since change is inevitable and eventually the time will come when this human, too, will grow up and leave it behind. For now, however, the halcyon was content to live its full life once more.

By Dave Hite