The Break

By Divya Narayana V

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_sgaTrC4zQ

‘Career break? Did you go crazy!’ That’s how most of them reacted when I broke the news of my hiatus. ‘Yes, that’s exactly the reason why I planned this break.’ Is what I answered. Some got what I meant. Some continued- ‘Don’t you think you are being a bit dramatic? Mental health? Did you lose your limbs? Did you go blind or deaf or did you bleed to death? No, isn’t it? Just take a few days off then get back up. Stop making excuses and slacking behind. Who doesn’t have the pressure in life? You should just learn to cope.’

How could I possibly explain? Will they even understand when I say- ‘Yes, I lost my limbs because they went weak when I lost my heart in everything. I lost my senses when I went numb as the walls around me. I was craving. Craving for anything that proved me that I was alive. Even if it took me pain for me to feel alive, I was ready to take it. How could I possibly explain that I did bleed. I did bleed instead of blood I bled life and light to say the least.’

One day, I was advising a friend who was showing similar symptoms as I. To her I said ‘You should learn to prioritize your needs you know.’ When those words left my lips, it hit me that she was just a reflection of me. While I was busy advising her, I was myself in a state where I was dragging my body like kids drag their toy cars around by a thread. Zombie some called me. I was turning into one without even a gist of it. The realization that I was putting an act of valour when I was defeated to the knees inside, forced me, to take my own advice and get to work to feel alive. ‘Do not worry my child.’ I told myself. ‘I am going to bring back life. Into you and around you.’

Keeping my words, I started my quest of finding life and the first thing I did was sighing up for therapy. It’s through therapy I learnt that- my childhood trauma forced me to lock my inner self in a steel case where I sit cross-legged, slouching as there is no space for me spread my legs or to sit up straight. Though cramped, I preferred it that way. As no one could reach me there. No one could touch me or hurt me there and that’s how overtime I turned lifeless and dead. Next thing on my quest was to take a break to prioritize my needs. Which is exactly what I am doing right now. I am on the break that I planned for several months and it’s during the same I am writing this piece.

I didn’t try to explain any of these to people who didn’t understand instead I smiled at them because to my eyes they were like innocent kids. Who were not aware of the dark world into which some of us were dragged into but, I write this piece for those who locked themselves in a case just like me. I write this piece for those who are in a similar prison. To them I want to convey that- do not doubt therapy. It does help trust me. There is no shame in begging life to return back to you. Believe me she is waiting for your call. Besides I learnt that the whole life’s purpose is “To just live and feel.” Don’t you think?

By Divya Narayana V