The Assasination(s) that Goes Wrong

By Julia Chen

CAST LIST:

JOHN F. KENNEDY (JFK) - President of the United States

BOBBY KENNEDY - Brother to President JFK, overeager US Attorney General

DIRECTOR O’CONNELL - Frustrated CIA Director

SPECIAL AGENT RODRIGUEZ - The CIA’s most skilled agent, top graduate from the FBI Academy, transferred to the CIA because he thought the FBI was too easy

SPECIAL AGENT CARLETON - Slightly incompetent, barely passed his interview, nepo baby

JUAN ORTA - Castro’s favorite bodyguard, secretly in line with the US

FIDEL CASTRO - Dictator of Communist Cuba

EXTRAS:

HAVANA SQUARE POLICEMAN

ICE CREAM PARLOR EMPLOYEE

OPENING SCENE: THE WHITE HOUSE, 1961

JFK sits in the Oval Office. Across the coffee table sits BOBBY KENNEDY & DIRECTOR O’CONNELL. 

JFK: Gentlemen, thank you for meeting me today on such a short notice. We have a very important matter to discuss. As you both know (points to a map of Cuba on the coffee table, red spotlight appears on Cuba) this is Cuba. And this (points to a crude wooden figurine standing in Havana) is Castro. We need to eliminate him. 

JFK sweeps his hand across the map and knocks away the figurine; the figurine flies off the table and smacks BOBBY’s knee. 

BOBBY: Ow. 

JFK: (ignoring BOBBY) Castro is too great of a threat to America and the free world to remain alive. Drastic measures must be taken, soon. If not, his Communist influence will spread across the Caribbean, into the US, and infiltrate the world!

The red lighting spreads off the map until it fills the whole room. BOBBY and O’CONNELL gasp in horror.

O’CONNELL: (red lights fade away) Well, the world doesn't really need the UK, right? They tried to invade us before, and I mean, we’d be doing the world a favor—

JFK: Enough O’Connell. The British are a valuable ally despite how appalling their dental hygiene is. 

DIRECTOR O’CONNELL sighs in concession.

JFK: Now, we need a plan to get rid of Castro once and for all. So that’s what I’m tasking to you men to do. By whatever crazy, elaborate means necessary, eliminate Castro. Understood?

BOBBY: (rambling and bouncing in his seat like an excited little kid) Oh my god, I have SO many ideas already. I’m thinking we could drug Castro with something that makes him say some wild things when he’s making a speech so that people think he’s crazy. Oh, or we could poison his favorite milkshakes. OOH, or better yet his wetsuit since he loves diving, I’m thinking with Tuberculosis or Pneumonia. Or better yet, we could make his famous cigars explode on him. Really send a statement, a literal bang if you will. I have a friend in the mafia who has connections in Havana—

O’CONNELL: You have a what?

BOBBY: —who could TOTALLY supply us with explosives. What do we think?

JFK: (looking astounded) Bobby…YOU’RE A GENIUS!

O’CONNELL: (interrupts, slightly annoyed) Or, we could just eliminate him the way we always do. You know, (makes a finger gun and imitates pulling the trigger). We even have Castro’s favorite bodyguard on our side, it’ll be efficient. 

JFK: O’Connell, shut up. Executive Order: we’re following Bobby’s plans. Meeting adjourned.

JFK exits, BOBBY excitedly fist punches the air as DIRECTOR O’CONNELL shakes his head in exasperation.  

SCENE 2: HAVANA SQUARE, 1961 

Locals mill about the square, a few policemen patrol as technicians finish setting up loudspeakers. SPECIAL AGENT RODRIGUEZ and SPECIAL AGENT CARLETON enter from opposite sides wearing stereotypical tourist garb, weave through the square and meet up against the wall of the teal-colored “HAVANA SQUARE GENERAL STORE” building. 

SPECIAL AGENT RODRIGUEZ: (looking forward instead of at CARLETON) Good to see you, Carleton.

SPECIAL AGENT CARLETON: (turning directly to RODRIGUEZ, a bit too loudly) Hey Rodriguez!! Are you ready for our super secret mi—

RODRIGUEZ swiftly hits CARLETON’s arm. 

RODRIGUEZ: (now facing CARLETON) Shut up Carleton. We’re in the capital of our most dangerous foreign adversary, right before our intended target makes a speech to a million loyalists, in a square swarming with policemen who could arrest us at any moment, and here you are announcing—

A POLICEMAN walks by, and CARLETON scrambles to pull out a tourist map. Both pretend to examine it intently. CARLETON’s map is upside down; RODRIGUEZ quickly orients it the correct way. 

POLICEMAN: (stares at RODRIGUEZ and CARLETON, shrugs and mutters) Tourists. (walks away. Both agents return to normal.) 

RODRIGUEZ: (turning to CARLETON) Now, I’m going up to the broadcasting station (points upward), you stay here and monitor the square. Radio me if anything seems amiss. 

CARLETON: (salutes RODRIGUEZ) You got it!

RODRIGUEZ exits the stage. 

SCENE 3: BROADCAST STATION ABOVE HAVANA SQUARE, 1961 

Castro’s bodyguard JUAN ORTA stands in the radio broadcast station. A microphone, along with a bottle of water, sit atop a podium that faces a window towards the square. 

After a series of knocks, RODRIGUEZ enters the room. He gives a curt nod to ORTA, pulls out a small envelope from inside his jacket pocket and dumps the contents into the bottle of water. ORTA upon seeing this, whistles and looks the other way. Some of the powder lands on the podium, and starts steaming upon contact with the wood. 

RODRIGUEZ goes to hide behind a dividing wall, hidden from the main room but visible to the audience. The lighting dims from RODRIGUEZ’s hidden room. Suddenly, CASTRO enters the broadcast room. ORTA quickly snaps to attention and salutes CASTRO. CASTRO smiles in return and walks to his podium holding his written speech. He reaches the podium and pauses.

CASTRO: (turning back to ORTA) Juan, have there always been this many holes in this podium?

ORTA: Uhh, it must be a new design, sir. 

CASTRO: (stares at the still smoking podium)…Brilliant. Remind me to tell the Minister of Infrastructure to start implementing this on new buildings. I think we’ll call it…Juan-chitecture. Has a nice ring to it, eh? (takes a drink of water from the poisoned bottle)

ORTA: (laughs nervously) You’re too generous sir. 

CASTRO places his speech on the podium, and a now-illuminated sign on the wall indicates the microphone’s active. 

CASTRO: My fellow Cubans! (voice reverberates, distant cheering can be heard from the crowd). Today is…(voice slowly quiets to faded garble as the lights in the broadcast room dim. Simultaneously, the lighting in RODRIGUEZ’s hidden room returns) 

RODRIGUEZ: (ear pressing against the wall) How is he not unconscious? Something’s wrong. (pulls out his radio, radio buzzes) Carleton, the plans backfiring.

CARLETON: (fuzzy over the radio) What, how? I timed the situation perfectly. The drugs should kick in within fifteen seconds of ingestion. I even have the instructions HQ gave me…(crinkling paper can be heard over the radio). Look, it says “effects begin within a quarter hour after ingestion.”

RODRIGUEZ: Carleton, did you say quarter of an hour?

CARLETON: Quarter of an hour, fifteen seconds, same thing right? Time is relative. 

RODRIGUEZ: A quarter of an hour is fifteen minutes Carleton, also known as the exact length of Castro’s speech. 

CARLETON: (squeaks) Oh! That explains why the speech has been going on for so long. I just thought I was hallucinating. Anyways, what should we do now? 

The lighting returns to the broadcast room as CASTRO finishes his speech. 

CASTRO: Thank you! Long live Cuba! (takes a step back and promptly passes out onto the floor)

His still-steaming podium melts and collapses onto his body. The windowed wall facing the crowd creaks, then collpases on CASTRO as well. ORTA rushes over to help.

RODRIGUEZ: (sighs) Nevermind, let’s report back to headquarters. 

RODRIGUEZ leans against the dividing wall. The wall crashes down as well, revealing him to the main broadcast room. RODRIGUEZ freezes as he and ORTA make eye contact for a brief moment, and RODRIGUEZ quickly scrambles out the door.

SCENE 4: COPPELIA ICE CREAM PARLOR, 1962 

People mingle in a pastel ice cream parlor. A giant menu behind the counter reads “COPPELIA ICE CREAM PARLOR; BEST ICE CREAM IN HAVANA (100% DICTATOR APPROVED). In the back kitchen is a fridge. An EMPLOYEE finishes mopping the kitchen floor and goes to the counter to take orders from a line of people, including CASTRO standing with ORTA. 

From the back entrance, RODRIGUEZ and CARLETON sneak into the kitchen, dressed in pastel employee uniforms. 

RODRIGUEZ: Alright Carleton, you heard Director O’Connell. We already missed one chance, we cannot mess this up again. Now, if everything went to plan, the poison pill should be, (opens the fridge to reveal a tiny green capsule sitting on the freezer liner) Aha!

In the parlor, CASTRO and ORTA reach the front of the queue. CASTRO points to the menu; the EMPLOYEE nods emphatically and shakes hands with CASTRO before CASTRO and ORTA make their way to a booth. 

EMPLOYEE: (towards the kitchen) ONE CASTRO MILKSHAKE SPECIAL! 

CARLETON: That’s our cue! 

CARLETON reaches for the green capsule, but cannot pull it off of the freezer. After several moments, RODRIGUEZ tries, to no avail. 

CARLETON: Jeez, this thing is really stuck!

RODRIGUEZ: I can feel it moving! Pull harder!

RODRIGUEZ continues to pull as CARLETON pulls on RODRIGUEZ. After a couple tugs, the entire fridge tips towards the two men, squishing both to the floor with an audible thump. Both men groan upon impact.

In the parlor, CASTRO and ORTA look towards the kitchen, concerned. CASTRO flags down the EMPLOYEE.

CARLETON: So when O’Connell said to make sure every step of the plan worked like glue, I’m guessing he didn’t mean literally, did he?

RODRIGUEZ: Did you glue the— Carleton, how in the world did you get this job?

CARLETON: I’ll have you know I’m well-qualified. All of the recommenders my father bribed for me said I’d make an amazing agent!

RODRIGUEZ: (looks down at the fridge) Wait! I think the capsule is still intact! Help me push this thing off of us. 

They push the fridge upright and stand. CARLETON reaches towards the slightly beaten-up fridge to pull out the capsule, but breaks it instead with an audible *crack. Green dye covers his fingers. At the same time, CASTRO, ORTA, and the EMPLOYEE enter the kitchen to investigate. 

CASTRO: Is everything all right, gentlemen?

RODRIGUEZ and CARLETON freeze and quickly stand straight.

RODRIGUEZ: Yes, Leader Castro. My apologies, Mr…Gonzalez (gestures to CARLETON who waves his green-stained hand) and I were just making sure your order was made up to par. 

CARLETON: Actually, my name isn’t Gonzalez, its Carleto– 

RODRIGUEZ: What he means to say is, we apologize for the delay, and we will get your order out to you as soon as possible. 

CASTRO: Thank you, gentlemen!

EMPLOYEE: Yes, Leader Castro, we will make sure these employees…(squints) Hey, are you two new hires? I’ve never seen you before—

ORTA: Aren’t you the son of one of those activists we arrested the other day? (EMPLOYEE falls silent, ORTA silently holds up a pair of handcuffs)

CASTRO: (pauses and nods at ORTA) Good call. 

The EMPLOYEE is handcuffed by ORTA and taken away by bodyguards as he protests loudly. ORTA and CASTRO return back to their seats and another employee brings them a milkshake. RODRIGUEZ and CARLETON escape out the back door of the kitchen. 

CASTRO: Good call back there Juan. That man was probably trying to poison me! Luckily you protected me, just like how you rescued me after that bizarre incident last year after my radio speech–

ORTA: (coughs) Yes, sir, I suppose–

CASTRO: (sips his milkshake) Boy, these milkshakes are so good, they’re going to kill me one day!

ORTA: (wearily) I highly doubt that, sir.

SCENE 5: THE WHITE HOUSE, 1963

In the Oval Office, JFK, BOBBY, & O’CONNELL sit around a coffee table on stage right. The left side of the stage is dark. JFK is deep in thought, BOBBY and O’CONNELL anxiously fidget.

JFK: (gradually gets louder) Explain why we are the most powerful nation in the world, with endless resources and manpower, yet we still CANNOT KILL THIS DAMN DICTATOR!

BOBBY and O’CONNELL wince in their seats.

O’CONNELL: My deepest apologies, sir. However, I would like to suggest–

JFK: (ignoring O’CONNELL) For years, we’ve tried every approach. 

Stage right lights fade, stage left lights brighten as RODRIGUEZ and CARLETON enter. 

JFK: (lighting alternating stage left and right with each line) We tried putting Tuberculosis in his wetsuit–

HAVANA SQUARE POLICEMAN enters stage left holding a sign: “VARADERO BEACH, 1961.” RODRIGUEZ holds up a wetsuit, CARLETON loudly coughs into it.

O’CONNELL: Instead, half the CIA got sick for a month. 

RODRIGUEZ quickly releases the wetsuit as CARLETON continues coughing. POLICEMAN exits stage left.

BOBBY: We even tried exploding cigars–

ICE CREAM PARLOR EMPLOYEE enters stage left with a sign: “CIA HEADQUARTERS, 1962.” CARLETON shoves a tangled pile of cords into a cigar held by RODRIGUEZ.

O’CONNELL: Which failed because your mafia friend fled when we asked him where he got the explosives and how to use them, so–

The cigar explodes in RODRIGUEZ's hand, both men yelp. EMPLOYEE exits stage left.

BOBBY: What?! Salvatore betrayed me? (looking heartbroken) I thought we had something special… 

JFK:…Nevertheless, two years ago, I tasked you both with this crucial mission, yet you have continually failed. (BOBBY and O’CONNELL hang their heads in shame) You have ONE LAST CHANCE to succeed. By the time I return from Dallas, I want Castro dead. Understand? 

BOBBY and O’CONNELL: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

JFK: You two will be the death of me. (exits stage right, lights return to stage left and hold, RODRIGUEZ’s hair still smokes from the explosion)

RODRIGUEZ: (gritting his teeth) Seriously, Carleton? You have continually failed for over two years now. It astounds me how you’ve made it this far, or how you even passed your interview. I’d think your father’s influence would’ve been overridden by sheer common sense–

CARLETON: (sniffling) Hey! Look, Rodriguez, I might be slightly incompetent, and sure, I barely passed my interview because I greeted my male interviewer as “Ma’am,” but I’m more than just a nepo baby! All my life, I've wanted to make my father proud. But when I became an agent, I finally found a bigger purpose: killing world leaders! (pause) And though I struggled, I was finally proud of myself…(gets choked up)

RODRIGUEZ: Carleton, are you crying? (CARLETON quietly sobs, RODRIGUEZ sighs) Look, I’m sorry Carleton, I didn’t mean that. You’re a great agent! You’re my partner in crime! There’s no one else I’d rather do these missions with. 

CARLETON: Really?

RODRIGUEZ nods, the two agents hug. 

RODRIGUEZ: Now chin up, we’re special agents. We have unfinished duty, and nothing could ever stop us from completing our mission!

CARLETON wipes his tears away and nods, both exit stage left. Stage left lights dim, stage right lights return.

BOBBY: Well, now what? I’m all out of ideas.

O’CONNELL: First off, I’m firing those two agents. (BOBBY nods in agreement)

BOBBY: But what about Castro?

O’CONNELL: Bobby, don’t worry. We’re doing this the old fashioned way, and we’ll complete this mission in the blink of an eye.

BOBBY: But what if we–

O’CONNELL: NO.

FINAL SCENE: CASTRO’S HAVANA MANSION, 2016

An aged CASTRO lies in bed in his Havana mansion, on the brink of death. A knock comes from the door; in steps an elder ORTA, here to say his final goodbyes. 

ORTA: (removes his hat) Sir, you asked for me. 

CASTRO: (coughs, and speaks weakly) Juan, thank you for making the journey to my home to visit me on my deathbed. You're a good man. (reaches for ORTAs hand) You’ve always been by my side–

ORTA: Yes, sir.

CASTRO: Your bravery has protected me from multiple attempts on my life—

ORTA: (looking uncomfortable) Yes, sir.

CASTRO: Your ingenious Juan-chitecture has spurred a new architectural revolution in Cuba!

ORTA: Sir I–

CASTRO: But most of all, your friendship and kindness have sustained me all these years. When I grew weary of all the assassination attempts, when I doubted my leadership of this great country, I thought, Oh, but I can’t disappoint Juan. You, my friend, are the reason behind Cuba's survival. So, as a gift to your everlasting loyalty and your unparalleled contributions to the Cuban architecture scene, I’ve dictated in my will that you, Juan Orta, my most loyal supporter, will be my successor. 

ORTA: (pales) –wha, what? Sir, I- I don’t–

CASTRO: Congratulations my friend, you are the next president of Cuba. 

ORTA: Sir, I don’t– this is—

CASTRO: Oh, don’t be so humble! I trust you’ll be as great a leader as you have been a friend to me.

ORTA: I– (faints)

CASTRO: (sighs happily) Ah, the mark of a true leader. Cuba’s in good hands. (closes his eyes and goes to sleep)

Castro’s housemaids enter and carry ORTA away. A few moments pass. Suddenly, an elder O’CONNELL bursts through the door, holding a gun; the door now is crooked, with one hinge off.

O’CONNELL: AHA! Finally after all these years, and countless idiotic agents, you will be mine 

Castro! I’ve spent years waiting, listening to the plans of that idiotic Kennedy, sending hoards of dim-witted agents at you. And in the end, it’ll all be worth it: the years you’ve spent evading us, the honor we’ve lost, it all ends today! 

CASTRO remains sleeping and unbothered in his bed. 

O’CONNELL: At a loss for words, you son of a gun?! As you should! Cower before the great James O’Connell, who will definitely be remembered by history!

CASTRO remains motionless.

O’CONNELL: You– wait.

O’CONNELL moves over to CASTRO’s bed, and places his fingers on CASTRO’s neck to check his pulse. 

O’CONNELL: OH C'MON HE’S ALREADY DEAD!! (falls to his knees in defeat) 

The door falls onto the floor with a crash, and slowly the entire adjacent wall does as well, revealing a horrified ORTA with a red welt on the side of his head. The maids salute him as the Cuban National Anthem starts playing. The bedroom’s chandelier then comes crashing down. Blackout. 

THE END.

By Julia Chen