Survivor's Guilt

By Ellie Stokes

Someone else tried it exactly like I did. Only theirs worked. Mine didn't. "You're so lucky to be alive", "you should be grateful you survived", "you should be over it by now". I should feel lucky, I should be grateful, I should be over it, but I'm not. Because how, really, are we supposed to just "get over" something that should have killed us?? We survived while others didn't, yes. But we gained so much more: screams, cries, begging - it never leaves. It plays in our minds like a broken record, one that can never be changed. The panic attacks, the terror, the GUILT. It should have been me, not them. How come I get to keep on living my life while they are forever frozen in time by that decision they made that night?? But then, I think we both died in that moment. We both lost our souls, our ability to truly live past that night. I think really, we're both forever stuck in that moment. Only, I kept breathing while theirs stopped. My heart kept its shallow beat while theirs diminished. My eyes are still able to witness new sunrises and snowfalls while theirs only have memories to replay. They died that night. I lived. And while I will keep living, there will always be a part of me that won't be able to see why I get that privilege and they don't. There will always be a part of me that would swap places with them in an instant if I could. Then I wouldn't feel it any more. The all-encompassing survivor's guilt.

By Ellie Stokes