Still In My Head

By T

I am choking on your ghost.

Every thought tastes like you…

saltwater and blood,

love and venom,

the sweet rot of something that was alive

yesterday

and now lies dead at my feet.

I tell myself to hate you.

I rehearse the words like a prayer,

but they slip through my lips,

turn to ash,

and the ashes whisper your name.

I should hate you;

for making me believe I was safe,

for learning the architecture of my soul

just to set fire to it.

But my chest still aches for the warmth

of the man who never actually loved me.

How did you hold me like I was your whole sky

one night

and wake up the next morning

as if my hands had never touched you,

as if my heart was a stranger to yours?

Did you ever love me at all

or was I just a place to rest

until you remembered where you truly wanted

to be?

My mind is a noose tightening.

One second I’m cursing you,

the next I’m aching for the way you laughed

like the world was ours.

I want to crack my skull open,

pry my brain out with shaking hands,

and wring it dry,

let the memories drip onto the floor

until they shrivel into something I can step over.

But I can’t…

because then I’d lose the only place

where you still love me.

You’re still here.

Not in my bed, not in my arms,

but in every empty space in my chest,

every echo in my ribs.

And I hate you for staying.

And I hate myself more for wishing you never

left.

And maybe that’s the worst part:

knowing you’re gone,

knowing I should hate you,

and loving you anyway

loving a ghost,

loving a lie,

loving you more than I love myself.

maybe you were right

maybe i don’t respect myself

not enough to not want you back

you were my heart

my soul

my everything

when you left you took pieces of me,

pieces i didn’t even know existed.

i should hate you

god knows how much i hate you.

i act like you don’t matter

like i’m over you,

yet my bleeding heart still misses you.

misses the lies you told me;

the false proclamations of love

the broken promises

the future we built out of delusion

god i hate you so much

you broke me beyond repair

but i still love you

and i think i always will

By T