Solitary Exile

By Prabir Kumar Datta

I was driving the tourist bus silently as usual along the hilly road through the forest. The road was very much familiar to me as I used to travel through it almost every month as the driver cum guide of the tourists who hail from different countries of the world. I am a very reliable employee of a famous travel company and while discharging my duty I used to guide the travelers, explain them various aspects of different tourist spots.

The passengers were talking among them or enjoying the beauty of both sides of the road. This was a usual scene in every tour and sometimes I also used to join them. At the close of every tour they become so close to me that they take my photograph and phone number and on return some of them even write about me on social media. I also very much enjoy their company and cherish their memory.

But today I was not in a mood to do so, as a sudden shock made me totally imbalanced inside. The moment I saw that middle aged lady boarding the bus I could not believe my eyes. The face was so much known to me for a long time that I made no mistake to recognize her instantly. But at the same time it was beyond my imagination that I would see the lady whom I knew so closely and who had died long ago at a far away country and after so many days.

Storm of thought was playing in my mind and I frantically tried to convince myself that I might be wrong and she was some other lady. But again and again my inner self confirmed that she could not be anyone else. At the same time to digest such an absurd thing was really impossible for me. I kept on thinking and at last decided that come what may, I would have to ask her directly at the next stop itself.

But the lady was having no sign on her face of having recognized me. She was sitting calmly and staring outside as if nothing happened. Earlier while the passengers were boarding the bus I was at the gate and greeting them. So there was no chance of her not seeing me. Her calmness made me more bewildered and the pressure was getting unbearable every moment.

 Once upon a time long ago I had taken up this profession in a country far away from my own because at that time I badly wanted to run away from my past. But today that very past suddenly started chasing me. The news of her death was widely covered at that time in newspaper with photograph. So for obvious reason her presence made me totally uncomfortable. I could have believed that it might be my mistake, but her smile and a deep cut mark on forehead, so closely known to me one day, undoubtedly indicated her identity. 

As I stopped the bus at the next tourist spot I could hardly resist any more. I reached her and asked directly, “Excuse me. Are you Moon, by any chance?”

She smiled sweetly in a manner very familiar to me and replied, ”Yes I am. I could recognize you the moment I saw you in the bus. But I couldn’t gain courage to meet you. It is unbelievable that you are standing before me, that too in a far off country. ”

I was startled and hesitantly told,” But I read that…”

Stopping me midway she told with a smile,” You read that I am dead. You can verify by touching me.”

After a pause she asked,” What brings you here?”

“That’s a long story. But at first I want to listen from you. It is becoming unbearable for me.”

She said,“ Mine is no better. Come to our hotel tomorrow. We will talk in detail.”

Moon introduced me with her husband. He too invited me and said,” I have heard a lot about you.”

Moon laughed,” Do you know, he even knows about Tulip.”

I was dumbfounded. How could her husband know Tulip! Tulip was my first love, my inseparable soul that I left back many years ago. But Moon had never met her!

Back to my hotel after the day’s work the mystery kept me sleepless for the whole of the night waiting for the next day’s dinner. Lying on the bed I went twenty years back down memory lane to my university days when I was in my early twenties.

 In those days all around there was political turmoil and university campus was abuzz with slogans, meetings and political debates in which many brilliant students also got involved with dreams of liberation from corruption and exploitation by the oppressive rulers. In the canteen the tables were kept occupied for hours by bearded intellectuals with unkempt hair busy in serious discussions and threadbare analysis of socialism, communism etc. Leaders of underground revolutionary groups also at times arrived in disguise to recruit cadres for their party from the students. When I was recruited as an active cadre in the revolutionary party I could never understand that I had been under their scanner for a long time before that.

 Much before that during my school days an affair started with Tulip who was our neighbor and whose family had a cordial relation with ours when my mother was alive. Tulip, then a cute school girl, assisted me in various odd jobs like reminding me over phone about my class routine, carrying my boots in her bicycle to the field for football match or buying me cigarette with her pocket money etc. I waited eagerly for regular late night conversations with her over phone before going to sleep. 

Tulip’s family shifted to other end of the city when I was preparing for my final school examination, but our relationship continued.  By then I had lost my mother and the step mother whom my father married was not only unkind to me but also provoked my father against me so much that he was abusing me every now and then on silly matters. She was becoming more and more hostile day by day making my life miserable and my only place to share all pains and anger was Tulip. She felt all my problems, tried to motivate me and advised me to be more focused to my studies for achieving a good career. In many evenings I had to weep for a long time before her when she wiped my tears like my mother and tried her best to make me happy.

The environment of my house ignited some fire within me and I wanted to take revenge with everyone, my father, my step mother and the entire society. A curious feeling that I would never be happy in life grew in me. That was the time when I was contacted by the party bosses who must have collected all information about my family and observed me for a long time. The man who met me was so nice with a magnetic personality that in no time I felt proud to accept his proposal to be an activist in their militant group. He delivered a short but very motivating speech about exploitation and revolution that I could immediately relate with the happenings of my life.  Now I found the long awaited way to take revenge on all. He however did not conceal the dangers of the life of a revolutionary where death and torture could come any time, but I felt honored for having been selected for such a challenging job. Like this incidentally I had stepped into a new track of life. 

But I could never tell those details to Tulip because after I was admitted there was no permission to disclose anything about our activities even to our family members or the dearest ones and any disobedience would mean capital punishment only. Moreover Tulip who was blindly in love with me had no world without me and I was afraid how she would react.  Though I badly felt pity for Tulip, day by day I was getting deeper and deeper into a life of bloody revolution for which I was receiving rigorous training.

Initially Tulip had no idea about my activities. In our house she was always comfortable from our childhood for which she had no inhibition in doing even personal works for me. She would arrange the scattered things in my room or prepare a cup of coffee for me which used to give me immense pleasure. But as I started avoiding her she was upset initially with tears and anger.  After some days when I very often missed the late night telephonic conversations or meeting at the park on some plea or other, doubts cropped in her mind that I might be attracted to some other girl.  I did not know how to clarify the position to her.  I couldn’t even tell her that she herself was so much fulfilling to me that I needed no other girl.

 But it was not possible to mince matters for long. After a few days the most difficult part of the training, the tolerance test began. In the life of a revolutionary at every moment there is danger of police atrocity which goes to such extent that anyone with weak heart and less tolerance succumbs to the pressures and may reveal any secret information. That is the reason the tolerance test is given to those militants who opt for being involved in direct action like bombing, shooting or acting as human bomb. I had given my option for becoming a member of the action squad for which I had to pass long interview and various cross examinations whereupon I was selected for the tolerance test.

After a brief lecture the test began. Iron rods were being heated in a coal oven. The trainer put on a pair of heavy gloves and held the colder end of one of the rods, lifted the same and suddenly pressed the hotter end on my right arm. In the next moment I got huge shock and felt like becoming senseless. But I had already decided that come what may, I would not let this chance go. I kept my teeth closely pressed and stiffened my body as much as I could. The few seconds that the red hot iron touched my skin appeared to be endless, but I tried my best not to show any sign of pain on my face. At last the rod was detached and the trainer was so satisfied that he hugged me with lot of praise. He immediately applied ointments and bandaged the place with much care and attention.

The pain took almost seven days to subside during which I tried my best to avoid Tulip. I did not meet her on the plea of my studies for the ensuing examination. Tulip  was a bit surprised at my sudden improvement but believed me in good faith without knowing that I would never in life sit for any examination at all as I had already given up studies. But after a few days she came to our house without notice and suddenly hugged me from behind. In acute pain I screamed. 

Tulip stepped back in fear and immediately discovered my wound seeing the big bandage. She exclaimed, ”Oh my God! How did it happen? You never told me.”

I tried my best to give some lame excuses, but she did not believe those. She kept on insisting me to reveal the fact. At last I decided that I would tell her the entire details, because I did not want to deceive her and I was sure that she won’t disclose the same to anyone. So I narrated the whole story from my joining the party to the tolerance test. Tulip listened to each sentence with keen concentration, her eyes full of surprise and tears rolling out from them. At last she told in a frightened voice, ”Why at all did you do this? Don’t you know the dangers of that life? You never thought of me.”

I had nothing to say. No assurance or consolation was enough for her. After thinking for a while she said,” It’s not too late yet. You have to leave it immediately, at least in my interest.”

For a moment I was moved, but the very next moment I had the realization that the path I had chosen was unidirectional. It was easy to join the party, but there was no way to return. Moreover I myself had given the option after lengthy thoughts. But at the same time I could not imagine a life without Tulip. Two identities of mine started fighting within me. Tulip argued for a long time about the dangers of revolutionary life and at last returned when I gave her assurance to think over it.

I could not honor the words given to tulip on that day. That my destiny was already decided was clear from the events that followed. My step mother utilized the giving up of my studies as a good chance to agitate my father. When I told that it was my own life and I wanted to take my own decision both of them reacted sharply. My step mom added fuel to the fire saying that in such case I should not have any right to stay in the house that now belonged to my father and her.

That was my last day in that house after which I offered myself to my party bosses to be a whole timer. They accepted me almost immediately because of my performance records so far. Only hindrance was Tulip, but I had nothing to do now. I knew that I was not doing justice to that poor girl, but continuing relationship with her after that would have been fatal. 

So I met Tulip in our favorite park and told her in details about the recent events. She listened to my entire lengthy speech with silent attention. At last she said in a cold voice,” So you have taken the decision of your life. Who am I to stop? But now my life is also mine. I shall also take my own decision. “

I was frightened but kept my calm. She abruptly said me good bye and left with her head down and eyes fixed at the ground without looking back again. I could imagine the waves of thoughts playing in her mind and stood still staring at her. In the backdrop of the twilight sky and silent long trees of the park that bore huge memories of our happy evenings, the sight of the departing innocent girl who carried half of my heart with her, became so permanent in my mind that even after two decades it caused silent bleeding inside me.

Very soon I became a busy and faithful worker of the party and was given the responsibility of organizing the workers at the ground level in rural areas for which I had to go away from the city for a long time. There I was the leader of a small group consisting of four members including a female member who was none other than Moon. Each one of us had specific assignment given by the party, but as a group leader I had to monitor and coordinate them and keep my higher bosses informed. Mainly our job was to preach ideals of the party by distributing leaflets and booklets among labors and farmers and educate them through small secret meetings. But we had to be very cautious always as police had strict vigilance over our activities.

I was surprised to see the young girl in the team, as the nature of our job was so risky and difficult. My astonishment grew manifold when I learned that she was recruited as a frontline activist of the suicidal squad who could be summoned for direct action any time. But she was so jolly and flamboyant that when she used to mix with common persons nobody could even imagine that so much fire was hidden in her. She had no inhibition to stay freely with other male members of the team and kept our leisure moments full of life with her jokes, songs and anecdotes. I started liking her from day one although the relationship was completely professional.

She narrated to me the reason for her coming to this job which had many similarities with that of mine. Moon too had lost her mother at an early age. A neighboring young man very much known to them was an active member of our party. One day when that boy came to their house police arrived in search of him. When the boy somehow escaped in time police started interrogating the family members. 

At that very moment Moon’s younger brother, a very innocent boy, entered the house from outside without knowing anything. The police confused him with their suspect and shot him dead instantly. At the sight of that horrifying incidence Moon’s father had suddenly a severe heart attack which caused his death too. The fire of revenge started burning within Moon from that day which ultimately led her to join the party through that neighboring young activist.

 We used to stay in different places in different times mostly in the houses of some of our well wishers with lot of discomfort which we accepted for the greater interest of the society and our revolutionary activities. But I was really surprised to see the devotion and sacrifice of a young girl like Moon to adjust with all the adversities.

In one casual moment I told her about Tulip to which of course she did not show much interest nor did I tell her much details in the interest of the protocol of the party. Our jobs were so tedious and time consuming that we hardly got enough time to discuss much of personal matters. 

One day I was asked by the bosses to go for an action and advised me to choose one dedicated and reliable assistant. I never thought that Moon would herself come forward for the job. I didn’t want her in such a dangerous job because I had by that time some soft corner in my mind for her. However she kept on insisting and most reluctantly I had to inform about her to my superiors faintly hoping that they would refuse the proposal. But to my surprise they approved her instantly as they felt that it would be better to have a female partner for confusing the police.

So one day we came back to my city wherefrom we were supposed to go to the border area by a long distance train next day. We were provided with arms, grenade, explosives and dresses for disguise and asked to stay in a big hotel overnight as husband and wife. We checked in that hotel with our luggage which included two small suitcases full of male and female apparels and two guitars into which explosives were packed tightly. Other small weapons like revolver and hand grenade were very nicely sewn inside our jackets. In the hotel register we signed as musician couple going for a concert about which nobody expressed any doubt.

We entered the hotel at evening and our train was scheduled on the next day afternoon so that we had a full day of long awaited rest and decided to utilize the period as usefully as possible. I was hesitating to share the only double bedded cot in the room with Moon, but she assured me that it was perfectly all right with her. She talked to me in such a way that nothing unusual had happened making me free from my doubt about the rightfulness of her selection. She arranged toiletry, dresses and other things so aptly that nobody could at a glance make out that we were not married couple. While I was looking at her with praise she suddenly asked,” Won’t you meet Tulip once? You are here after a long time and don’t know if at all will return again.”

I was surprised at her concern. Suddenly it roused a thirst in my mind to see Tulip although my professional ethics was not allowing me to consider such impossible proposal. But Moon kept on insisting and gave me assurance that nobody else should know about that. At last partly because of her repeated request and partly out of my own urge I telephoned Tulip and requested her to meet me at least once. Tulip never expected such a call and even after a long pursuance she didn’t agree. 

 I was feeling guilty, but Moon told, “What can you do more? You have done your duty.”

Next moment she said with a naughty smile, ”But, don’t forget that I am your wife in the hotel register.”

I could not understand whether it was a simple joke or her emotional thought. A faint idea flashed in my mind that she might have in the mean time given heart to me. But I tried to get rid of that as quickly as possible.

 Next morning we got the horrible news.

Peeping through the window Moon told me,” Look, Police has surrounded the hotel.”

 Both of us were extremely frightened. From the window a part of the entrance of the hotel was visible. I saw three police vans standing there and a flock of policemen in uniform loitering. Moon looked at me worriedly and told, ”Definitely we are the target. They will come to our room in minutes. What shall we do now?”

I had no idea. But something had to be done urgently. I told, ”Be ready for a fight. This is going to be our battle for life. We can’t give up.”

Moon thought for a moment and said,” Let me take a last chance. Do what I say.”

Pulling the curtains in the window she suddenly started undressing herself and told me, “Undress immediately. Be quick. There is no time.”

I was completely at my wits end not knowing what she was intending to do. I was the leader, but now she had already taken the lead. She told in hissing voice,” We are husband wife in hotel’s register. We have to prove that. Come, come. Don’t delay.”

She kept the door lock open and pulled me on the bed hugging me intimately. I had no other way than to give in. A mixture of fear and an inexplicable excitement filled my mind.    Next moment there was sound of heavy boots outside and a knock on the door which opened wide. Two police personnel with the hotel manager stepped into the room and halted suddenly at the sight of two nude bodies hugging each other on the bed. In a flash Moon wrapped a white bed sheet on our body and got up on the bed with a nervous look. It was a very natural scene of a husband and wife making love in their hotel room for which they all begged apologies for having disturbed us in such a way. Then they looked around keenly examining things, our dresses scattered on the floor, our guitars, the toiletries and other articles of the room and at last advised us to be very careful of the terrorists they were in search of. I was looking at the fearful eyes of Moon and her nodding at every word of the police officers with great attention. My respect for her presence of mind and courage now knew no bounds.

As the police people went away, we dressed again after which Moon held my hand saying, ”They will come again. Please get out of the place in disguise immediately.”

I did not agree as I was concerned for her too. She told,” Don’t worry for me. You have already seen how dangerous a girl I am. Moreover I am already in a suicide squad and don’t fear death. But you have to go. You have lot of responsibilities on your shoulder for the party. But be sure I shall not die before I kill ten others.”

After long argument with her I had to bow down. It was now clear that she was madly in love with me and was not ready to let me die at any cost. There was only one waiter‘s dress with us and that too for male. At last most reluctantly against my conscience I had to leave the hotel in disguise of a waiter through the back gate normally used by the kitchen staff. In such a big hotel there were many waiters and nobody raised any doubt as all the waiters were not known to each other. On the way to the railway station I was feeling extremely guilty within myself for having left the girl who had saved my life in the great danger in the hotel.

 I could not forgive myself when on the next morning in the newspaper there was detailed coverage of Moon’s death bravely fighting a lone battle with a big team of police. The burden of guilt became unbearable for me and I was carrying that within me for these long two decades.

 Many big leaders of our party were arrested that evening in a massive raid all over the city of which the police activity in our hotel was a part. Party high command decided that all the programs of the party would be suspended for indefinite period and all the members were advised to go underground till further order. 

After that how I came out of my country and chose this career for last many years is a separate story not relevant here. I could not make any one happy in life, neither Tulip nor Moon. One was refused by me heartlessly and another sacrificed life for me. 

I somehow tried my best to manage myself for the past many years, but the sudden mystery that came before me today strongly unnerved me. With lot of curiosity and expectation I went to the dinner invitation of Moon, but instead of getting relieved I received another huge shock there. What I learned was not only unexpected but was also extremely unpalatable to me.

That morning after I left Moon in the hotel amidst huge danger she kept on weeping for a long time. She had by that time loved me very much which she could never reveal for many practical reasons. The brief memory of our intimate contact under compulsion of the situation was the only asset left to her.  After thinking a lot she decided that death was now her only choice and she would face it bravely.

She started getting prepared for her last fight putting on her jacket full of loaded revolver and hand grenade. At that very time there was a knock at the door. Prepared for her final battle of life she thought for a moment and opened the door aiming her loaded revolver there.

 She expected a huge gang of police, but to her great astonishment she saw a girl of her age standing with a smiling face. She introduced herself, “I am Tulip. You may not know me.” 

After initial hesitation Moon allowed her to enter and then they got introduced. Thereafter they talked for a while, mostly on me. At one point Tulip said,” I am happy that he got his love in you. You have made me indebted forever.”

Then she gave the queer proposal.

” Put on my dress and use some cosmetics like me. Go to the reception and put your signature in the visitor book at the departure column against my name. Everybody is busy with the police. Nobody will bother to tally the signature now. You can very safely go out.”

Moon as if fell from the sky at her suggestion and said, “How can it be! What will you do then?”

“Don’t worry. I have my identity cards, address everything. I can satisfy police on every point.”

Moon was not ready to listen to her at first, but Tulip Kept on pursuing and after a lot of argument made her agree. Moon had also a very secret urge in her mind to meet me and that allurement was too strong in her to refuse the unexpected god gifted chance of life. She came out safely and went to one of her relative’s house. Next morning with great surprise she read the news of her own death in newspaper and also learned that she was identified by her apparels and other things detected at the hotel. It was reported that she was wearing a jacket, was holding a revolver in hand and was firing continuously and randomly and at last fell prey to the police after killing two police personnel. Moon had no doubt that it was none other than Tulip who had taken her revenge against the life by offering herself to death.

 I wanted to get the mystery solved, but instead the truth I learned was so bitter that the load of my guilt became much heavier. It now became very clear to me that my solitary exile, both psychological and geographical, would never end. 

  By Prabir Kumar Datta