So I Wait

By Tashreet Kaur

I’ve come so far but I never realised my feet go amiss, rather it felt like a dance I slowly accustomed to. As if someone held my hand gently tuning me to the rhythm. At first I traced in the shadow of yours, but my mind reached for more. Impulse took over me and reached out to the shadow letting go of the guiding hand and for yours. The shadow flushed away, I felt a spotlight dawn on me. My nerves hint to throw all I’ve eaten at my feet. My stomach gurgled empty. Yet I felt so content, my heart races towards this uncanny marathon and my mind stays on you. No guides, no clear path, no comfort. I've eased out of my sweet home for your reckless love. Does your love even exist? All I see is the inches in front of my feet and you. Miles and miles away.

But I only want to make it to you, nowhere else.

I’ve fallen in too deep. I went from being drawn in by curiosity, watching the beautiful waves crashing yet with this silent elegance. Its beauty entrancing. I let my hand into the water, I lost all sense of control. I feel myself reach deeper and deeper. My eyes close too vulnerable to warn me. Now I can not tell if I’m drowning or sailing seas. All I know it’s you. Just you. Call it obsession. I'm aware all I do is bring harm upon myself. Yet I can't stop.

Your eyes in mine, foolishly smiling at your childish behaviour. A friend watching shook her head and I was still unaware my heart had been taken. One glimpse was enough to make me fall in love but I didn’t know I was in love. Love. My heart started racing from that day. Where was it running to? I didn't know myself, I just let myself lead to its desire. I was in a lost garden with buds and no petals and I’m now stupidly hypnotic to this foreign butterfly roaming it. I never even ever liked chasing. But you're bringing the warmth my bare garden needed. Invasive plants dying, clipping off the thorns that could bring out pure blood.

I’m starting to wonder how deep this can get.  How deep can I fall into you before it gets too far. How did I get so warped into you? I just don't get it. I seemed to have chased this wandering butterfly too far. Now I adore its garden. The place it calls home. I see the purity of the heart but the traps of its mind. Your immature eyes make me a fool. I go on playing along. That missing warmth in my awakening. Your unfamiliar flowers blossoming with tedious thorns I attempt to avoid. A familiar smile, those warm honey dew eyes. A teasing tone and rigid manner. If your wandering glances, subtle words weren’t driving me insane enough. My curiosity turned into care. My care turned into love. My love turned to desire and now I sit at the foot of yearning.

Were we really just blessed with the complexity to feel just to keep it all locked away? Why do we dare to strip the world of its true beauty? The raw emotion of our hearts. The messy splashes of red. The despair of our tears. Painful and despised they are but there’s more than the harm. The purity of truth. The warmth of two souls. The antidote of laughter. It was not like my world was you, you just painted the greying skies into a summer of brighter rays and joy. I was always fond of winter, yet you made the warmer days loveable.

It is not as though it’d be impossible to live without you, I knew being alone then union. That was how it had always been. I had gravitated to reserving and commuting myself to solitude. As if my universe was bound to nothing but an eerie hollowness. “Are you alright?’ reality knocks at my door, a familiar voice pulls me out of my wraps. A friend looks at me concerned as my adrift daze fixated on her. She smiles as relief settles, “Lost you there for a second!” I laugh to ease her. I retrace my gaze back to you as your persona silently adorns the depths of my mind. “Don’t worry I’ve just found something endearing,” I whisper whilst grasping her hand. How easy it was for me to surrender myself to you.

By Tashreet Kaur