By Mihir Mathur
[Prompt] “Jesus take the wheel, Satan get behind me, Buddha… man the .50 cal”
There was no time to question it, no time to think.
They all took off, sprinting towards the beat-up Toyota with the machine gun bolted to the bed. Jesus slid across the hood, and wrenched the door open. Satan quickly searched the glove compartment and tossed him the keys. Buddha vaulted over the side of the truck, and stepped upto the machine gun. He seemed inordinately calm about the whole situation. Krishna had barely gotten onboard before Jesus stepped on the gas, with Satan shouting, “Go, go, go!”. As if anyone needed to be told.
Gunfire, explosions and screams, distant and close, made up the sounds of the desolate battlefield. There were undulating hills as far as the eye could see, some of which were charred black. This was the fight. The Apocalypse. Whoever won would inherit the world. Whoever lost would be forgotten.
They were an odd bunch, to say the least. No one was surprised to see Jesus and Satan team up, but their foursome was certainly unexpected. Krishna was gripping the hilt of his sword with one hand and the rusty frame of the truck with the other. He had lost his crown hours ago, the thing shot of his head as ducked behind cover from Athena’s relentless barrage. He had discarded most of jewelry too. Trading fashion for speed and stealth was a no-brainer. The multitude of rings on his fingers did make for an excellent knuckle duster, though.
“Break left! Break left!” Satan screamed at Jesus, as they narrowly avoided a silvery blur. Krishna ducked as that thing reversed its trajectory, and nearly took his head off. He realized what it was as it whizzed past. Mjolnir.
Buddha calmly spin up the gun and started firing, kicking up dust. Satan whooped.
“There! Go left, go left!” Satan shouted at Jesus. They crested the hill and came up behind Loki commandeering a Honda motorbike, Thor riding in the sidecar beside him. His warhammer flew into his hand. The sky darkened. Thunder boomed.
“Go left! Go left! He’s charging up the-!” Satan screamed.
“I get it!” Jesus shot back, and swerved left. The truck fishtailed, as it desperately searched for traction. It found it and shot down the hill, and not a moment too soon. Lightning struck where the truck had been moments ago.
“Goddanmit! That was close, goddanmit!” Satan shouted again, as he pulled out his gun, leaned out the window and started firing at the pursing Norse gods. Jesus gritted his teeth at his Father’s name being used in vain. Thor was charging up again, laughing maniacally.
Suddenly, the bike riders veered away from them, as a massive wooden barrel, as big as a house, landed between the two vehicles and burst, splashing them all with a sticky red liquid. Wine. Satan was coughing.
Krishna quickly searched the surroundings for the new attacker. “I think I drank some of that, ” Satan said and burped.
“Bacchus!” Krishna yelled. Buddha, who had not stopped firing, swivelled the gun to face the Roman, who was standing next to a trebuchet. The Norse brothers were back now, with Thor waiting to get close enough for an almighty swing.
Krishna unsheathed his sword, ready. Thor swung, and Krishna blocked. He swung again, and Krishna deflected. Buddha was still focussing on the wine artillery, and had not stopped firing. For all his determination, he was yet to hit anything. Krishna was starting to regret giving him that role.
Thor got close enough for a swing again. Satan yelled, “THOORRR!” and emptied the clip on them. Unfortunately, there was only one bullet left, which missed, and destroyed the bike’s headlight.
Loki immediately braked, and fell behind. Another wine barrel exploded in the widening gap between them. Krishna clamped his mouth shut as he was hit with another shower of wine and splinters.
“Dionysus’ gots a good aim,” Satan said as he reloaded. Judging by his slurred words, he was drunk already.
“That was Bacchus,” Krishna replied, as he sheathed his sword. He touched Buddha’s shoulder, who hadn’t stopped firing. He seemed startled, as though he was roused from a trance. He finally let go of the trigger. Krishna sighed.
Satan twisted around and spoke through the little window in the back of the cab, “Really? I’m sure that was ol’ Nysus.”
“How do you figure?” Krishna asked.
“You know? Tall dude, toga and all, eating grapes? That’s definitely- “
“What does it matter?” Jesus cut in.
There was a small spell of silence, and then Buddha said, “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”
Satan raised an eyebrow at the non-sequitur, and said, “Whatever, Yoda.” He was the only one who laughed at his joke.
Krishna sighed again, and sat down, leaning against the cab of the truck. He looked out over the desolate landscape. In the distance, he saw Sun Wukong, who had shape-shifted to be twenty storeys tall and was going toe-to-toe against the giantess Gaia. They would have to fight the winner of that fight at some point. Krishna sighed again. This was like Kurukshetra all over again.
“Ooh,” Satan intoned, excitedly, “you know what we should do? Get to a village to find some loot!”
“What?” Jesus said.
“We become what we think.” Buddha added, running his hand down the barrel of the .50 cal.
“What?” Jesus said again, with a lot more exasperation.
“We are so getting that chicken dinner!” Satan said, punching the air in excitement.
Jesus didn’t bother. Krishna, unfortunately, understood that reference
By Mihir Mathur