Pastor Pete's Missionary Misadventure

By Olivia Merrie Roldant

Pastor Pete Thompson was a man of faith, kindness, and dedication. He had been preaching in his small town for 18 years, and when the chance to go on a missionary trip to an exotic, far-off place came up, he jumped at it. The only problem? He wasn’t exactly sure where he was going.

He’d been given a brochure with a vibrant image of palm trees and a beach, along with a simple note saying, "We need your help. Come spread the word." Pete, being a devout man, assumed it was a small island community in the Caribbean that needed his gospel teachings. What he didn’t know was that the brochure had gotten mixed up, and he was actually flying to the hottest spot on Earth(literally)

As the airplane descended, Pete noticed something peculiar. Instead of the sunny, beach-filled paradise he had imagined, the sky was filled with thick, smoky clouds and the temperature was… well, hot enough to cook an egg on the runway. He glanced out the window and saw large, menacing gates and rivers of fire. “Huh, that's an odd welcome party,” Pete thought.

He landed, greeted by a fiery creature wearing sunglasses. 

“Welcome to Hell,” the creature said with a grin. “You must be Pastor Pete. We’ve been expecting you.”

Pete, taken aback, muttered, “Uh, I think there’s been some sort of mistake. I was supposed to be on a missionary trip to the island—"

“Yeah, yeah, that was the plan,” the creature interrupted, checking his clipboard. “But someone got the flight details mixed up. Anyway, welcome! It’s... um... a hot spot for tourism these days.”

Pete, ever the optimist, looked around, noticing demons in flip-flops and cocktail hats lounging by pools of lava. “So, where’s the church?” he asked.

The demon gave him a long, confused look. “Church? Oh, we don’t do that here. We do, however, have an excellent rock band that plays 'Highway to Hell' on loop.”

“Well, I did bring my Bible, and I think there's some confusion...,” Pete began, before being cut off by a loud, fiery trumpet blast from the distance. 

Suddenly, a giant red figure with horns and a tail walked toward him. “Pete Thompson, welcome to my domain!” It was Lucifer, or “Lucy” as he liked to be called.

“Lucy?” Pete raised an eyebrow. “Like the name Lucy? Or...?”

“Yes, like Lucy. But seriously, do you mind getting on with your whole ‘gospel’ thing? We were expecting a motivational speaker, but apparently, the plane malfunctioned and now we’ve got you.”

Pete thought for a moment. “Well, I’ve preached through tough crowds before. How bad could it be?”

Lucy grinned. “Well, we’ve got plenty of sinners here who could use a good sermon, but you might need a special touch. Want to see the VIP section?”

“Sure!” Pete said with unshaken enthusiasm. “I’m here to help, after all.”

So off they went, through a labyrinth of flaming pits, to a giant, overcrowded stadium where the VIP section was filled with well-known figures—Hitler, Napoleon, and a bunch of guys who looked strangely like the Kardashians. Pete gulped, then cleared his throat.

“Alright, folks, gather round!” Pastor Pete shouted, trying his best to muster his preacher voice. "I bring you the word of—"

Before he could finish, a demon holding a clipboard interrupted. "Sorry, Pastor, but... um, the audience isn’t really into the whole scripture thing. They prefer ‘fire and brimstone’ stuff.”

Pete hesitated. “Well, I can try my hand at that…”

He cleared his throat again, this time going for a more ominous tone. “Repent, ye wicked souls! For your days of torment are upon you!”

The crowd erupted in applause. “Oh, they LOVE that,” the demon said, nodding approvingly.

Pete continued, gaining more confidence, and soon, the entire stadium was chanting in unison, “Repent!”

Suddenly, Lucy appeared, clapping slowly. “I've got to admit, Pete, this is impressive. You’ve got the fire and brimstone down, but there’s one more thing we need. A rock concert! We’ve been working on a fiery crossover between Heavenly Praise and Rock and Roll. Think ‘Free Bird’ meets the Lord’s Prayer. You in?”

Pete stared blankly. "You want me to sing… for real?"

Lucy shrugged. “Why not? Heaven’s got a choir. We’re trying to be more... inclusive here.”

Pete took a deep breath, realizing he had been sent to Hell by accident, but he might as well make the most of it. "Alright," he said, stepping up to the mic. "But only if I get to choose the first song."

And thus, Pastor Pete, with his ever-optimistic spirit, led the most unexpected, slightly unholy rock gospel concert Hell had ever seen.

While he had originally signed up to spread the word, he ended up spreading wild applause, fiery riffs, and maybe a little bit of salvation in a place no one thought it’d ever happen. 

And to this day, Pastor Pete is known as the only man who accidentally went to Hell and turned it into the hottest concert venue in the underworld.

By Olivia Merrie Roldant