On Keeping A Diary

By Sudhalekshmi M

“Keep a diary and someday, it’ll keep you”

• Mae West

Truth be told, it feels scary to keep a diary. Almost everything in life does these days. Waking up in itself invites the fear of thriving through it. Sometimes, life is nothing but the struggle between one Tuesday and the next.

The thing Is, these are not literally ‘struggles’ when compared to many other things out there in this vast universe. These are my fears that can be called trivial to an extent.

I am afraid of cars.

I am afraid of driving.

I am afraid of the fast moving objects and the whirring of their engines.

I am afraid of time running out.

I am afraid of having too much time and not knowing what to do with it.

I am afraid of my body.

I am afraid of sharp edges.

I am afraid of depths and heights.

I am afraid of intimacy.

I am afraid of distance.

I am afraid of the past and future,

Sometimes, even of the present.

I am afraid of what I do not know. Other times, of

What I know.

I am afraid of being wrong, of saying and doing the wrong things.

I am afraid of lives stopping randomly on a cold afternoon.

I am afraid of taking life for granted, of spending too much time on a thought, of forgetting my grief and laughter. It seems like I am afraid of everything that I feel like dropping life on the hallway and crawling away. But life follows me closely, chases me down the stairs and grasps me tight.

But I swear, I swear that I am trying so hard to take life lightly, to look at life with marvel and mischief. To look at the fast moving things with a clear head, to look closely and decipher the mechanism, to enjoy the journey, to pause and breathe, to buy myself packets of happiness every Monday.

To love my body, to never get anxious, to not spend too much time on my head and thereby, miss out on the beauty life tries to offer me.

For deep down in my heart,I know well that I want to do mistakes, but still remain kind to myself.

I don’t want to regret on the choices I have made in life. And I want go have the grit it takes to make that U turn.

I want to listen to the voice of my heart amidst the silent whispers of the night. I want to feel so light that I’d be able to fly. I want to celebrate my insignificance , but at the same time be aware that I am significant. I want to offer my gifts to the world and be full of life everyday, making room for both joy and grief, carrying bars of hope on my side pockets.

By Sudhalekshmi M