By Yash Chandna
28 December 2018
Even though its been more than 2 weeks since I have talked to her or about her to anybody, I miss her. Parts of me still want to be with her. I want to make her talk to me. Angrily I have removed her from my Instagram and snapchat but the way I’m craving to see her is only I know about. My days after the semester ended have been weird. I broke my ankle first and now I lost her.
There are days when I feel nothing and then there are days, I can’t get her out of my head. My heart aches to meet her, or even listen her voice and it doesn’t matter if she is talking to me or not, I just want to hear her. I thought deleting her contact and removing her from my social accounts would do it but I can’t find enough courage to delete all those pictures and memories I have of her.
Somehow even if I find way to delete those pictures, she is already in my dream world and I don’t know if there is an out to it.
All I know is I would never be able to forget you Kaira and it all started today 3 years ago.
The Day We Met
Highschool crushes have a thing about them, either they don’t mean a thing or they exist forever. You were the one who I knew would stick forever to. I know you would still say that there are about millions of girls that are prettier than you and maybe better at loving me more than you did, but for me nobody means more than you do. We met at school. What an amazing day it was. That smile, that damned smile took my heart away! So far that it has never returned to me till this very moment. Standing at the reception area waiting for my mom to revert my calls. I found you with your mother, you looked upon me as if every problem I had never existed anymore. The moment I saw you, one thing was clear-if it has to be someone- It is going to be you and only you.
That day your mom dropped us home. I so wanted you to be with me for each and every moment. I wanted to look at you and forget about everything else. The connection I felt with you, I probably would never feel with anyone else. You made me fall in love with everything about you, and that too to such an extent that I will never be able to think about someone else in that way the way I think about you. You are the reason to why I can’t stop smiling the entire day, why just a thought of yours invokes feelings I never knew existed.
This is to rejoice all the moments and memories we have together. Just to let you know that even today, you may not love me but you still mean the world to me.
As I saw you go away, I still wished I was in that car sitting right beside you. With a heavy heart I entered my home just to rush to the computer and search you up on Facebook. I found you the very moment I typed your name at the search bar. I felt relieved just to know that there is a way we still can talk even after being far away. I
sent you a friend request and waited patiently for you to accept it. Back in those days, my parents never wanted me to get a smartphone, instead I was given a blackberry that they didn’t know had Wi-fi connectivity. So, I took my phone and rushed to my room, and with my eyes glued to the screen I waited eagerly. Within an hour we were friends and were talking to each other. I felt a surge of happiness rush through my veins as I talked to you. We talked day and night for 8 days straight and then you disappeared.
I never got to know why you deactivated your Facebook. It being a Friday I had to wait for another two long days to ask you what had happened. I was unable to get my mind onto something else, it was hooked on to you.
Slowly Monday came, and I was sure that I would talk to you about us and the sudden deactivation of your Facebook account but I never got to know why I was unable to talk to you about anything. I always froze when I saw you, like they say in movies, everything just blurs out. Of all the memories that we have, I only remember looking at you and thinking of us.
Those Small Meetings
While in school, there's always a bunch of kids who are privileged to some extra attention and roasting. Simple reason being, they're the kids of the teachers. Well, her and I, both fell into that category. Usually in schools they are the most favoured students, but in our school the trend was totally opposite.
So, the only thing we used to experience was to stay back in school even after all the students have returned home and enjoying their sleep, but we had to wait until the dispersal. This problem turned out to be a good time for me to meet Kaira. It was always difficult to convince her to meet me, but I would surely in the end. It was a Saturday, so school got over early. I went to play basketball and waited until the buses went so that I could meet Kaira. I had got a smartphone till then but only for a short period of time. I messaged her to come and meet me. She replied that she would be there in five minutes.
While I was waiting for her the day I met her flashed in front of my eyes. I told myself,” there is no way I can ever forget that smile.”
She had a different vibe to her, she was carefree and enjoyed everything even if it was very small. She could find happiness and I found my happiness in her. She was standing right there, this marvel of a human being, and while I noticed her from head to toe, I saw her specs.
I thought she looked cuter without them so I quietly went behind her and took them away.
"Yash! Give me my specs back!”, She demanded.
That demanding yet kid voice sent my heart fluttering.
“nope, I think you look cuter this way.”
She smiled at me, the same smile I fell for, and then I saw her cheeks turn a crimson red.
Spending time with her was other worldly, when I was with her, I could never think about anything else, her charm took away all the problems I had. Just me being with her made my face glow, as per my mom.
I wanted to get a picture clicked with her, and she agreed. It was a very bad picture but the memories of that day bring out butterflies in my stomach. The hardest part of the day was to say goodbye, with a heavy heart I said, “Goodbye Kaira. I’m going to miss you.”
“Bye. “and she laughed.
A Page from Kaira’s Diary
Yash was a happy person, finding happiness in every small thing was what I learned from him in the small time I had spent with him. He was very loving and cared for me a lot. He knew how to find ways to bring smile on my face.
He had everything I could get but things have their own way to work through time, I found out that he lacked self-love. He lacked the ability to believe in himself, and he was losing himself in all the time he was spending with me. The more the time he spent with me, I could see he was changing himself for me.
If it would have been a different girl, things would have been different but in my case, things took a different turn. Looking at Yash, I knew I had found a friend for life, but the way he acted with me, I knew there was a lot more to it. I tried telling him,” What if I am not able to love you ever? What if I fall in love with someone else?”
” Someday, things will change and you will see how.”, he used to say. He knew me too well to take care of my routine, to know when I had to take my medicines for the treatment I was going through and he would make me take medicines whenever I was ill. He could understand something wasn’t right when it actually wasn’t and could handle all my mood swings even if I was too harsh on him.
Then he came. Like a storm, yet gentle. There he was, Avi, the new guy in my neighbourhood and the day I saw him I knew I felt things for him. Things I could never feel for Yash.
Gathering all the courage I had, I called Yash to tell him what had happened. He was very sensitive related to the issue and it was actually difficult to make him realise the fact that I won’t be his ever, no matter what happens. I convinced him for the time being that I love Avi and I would date him. Being on the other end of the phone was a bad feeling, thinking about him crying on the other side was very difficult. I knew I had hurt him and I knew I couldn’t do anything about it.
He never understood the fact that even though I couldn’t date him, he was important to me. He was there whenever I needed him and he was one of the best friends I could ever have.
The Days Of Despair
I was hurting since the day Kaira told me that she had starting dating someone. I gave her whatever I had, just to realise she never wanted any of it. None of my love mattered to her.
Relationships are a temporary affair until both of the people in it are actually serious, and no matter how serious they were, I knew they had no option other than breaking up. Days turned into weeks and weeks tuned into months, but their relationship had still not ended.
Although Kaira meant the world to me, our friendship was an on-off thing. I knew that Kaira dating Avi didn’t mean the end of the world for me but it had dawned upon me that she would never be mine even after they breakup.
People have mood swings, but Kaira, she used to have mood swings every hour, you could talk to her on phone for an hour and right after she would cut the call, there was a different version of her waiting at me at the other end of the texts. Handling her mood swings was a big problem for me, no matter how much I loved her, she dating Avi already had hurt me a lot, but the things she used to do, they had a bigger impact on my life. Every small thing that was related to her started becoming more important to me. Every small thing that she did started hurting me more than everything else could.
We finally meet again in school after about 7 months on a Saturday. We actually got time to talk to each other properly and face to face, which was a big improvement from the texts that I had been receiving.
I look at her and those eyes did more talking than she could.
”How is it that every time I see you, I fall more and more in love with you?” “That’s a bad idea.”
“But you will have to leave Avi someday. ”
“We might last another year.”
That hit me hard. Harder than I thought it would, and harder than it should. I don’t know how easily she said that but for me it was like the dropping a bombshell, right at my head.
With a heavy heart, I bid went back home. The first thing I did was to remove her from all my social media and try to move on for the first time since the day I had fallen for her.
Destiny is a very twisted thing, its funda will always remain unclear. I came back from Mumbai on very bad terms. I had just dropped out of a second college and I wasn’t sure if I would have to drop the entire year. Luckily I got admission in the college that my father taught in. My marks were obviously above average so it wasn’t hard getting the stream of my choice. Honestly the first day here was tiring and scary and I felt as if I had made a mistake in coming back to Gurgaon. My heart ached at knowing the fact that I wouldn’t talk to you but I was angry at you this time
and more than angry I was pissed at you for choosing someone else over me now that we had got so close.
The days when I wished to get even a glimpse of you, those were the days there was actually no chance that I would be able to meet you but then came the days when I actually didn’t want to see you and there I was right in front of the school, to drop mum and bhai, looking at you. I don’t know what happened but I actually started shivering in the hot month of August.
One look at your face and seeing you smile, everything hit back hard. A lot harder than I had expected and I felt like crying, yeah I cry a lot. My father saw her and then looked at me, he knew the fact that I liked her but I doubt if he knew anything else, and asked me if I was fine and I trying to hide my emotions asked him, ” Yeah. Why?” He was pretty chill about it and chucked it. The very next day I see you again and then I actually curse my destiny as to why does it happen to me. Days go by and nothing much happens except for me stalking your profile and we maintaining our streaks, until the day my minors end. That was an amazing day for me. I actually enjoyed college life for the first day.
I went with my friends to see a movie in the nearest cinema hall, I don’t remember watching the movie but what I actually remember is accidentally phoning you. Of all the 250 contacts on my phone, why did my phone choose you to be the person it should accidentally call. Nothing actually happens until the time I go to play basketball, honestly I didn’t even know that I had called you. And finally the phone rings while I’m in the middle of a game. I ignore the phone call and thought it to be of anyone else. But after the game is over I call back.
Surprisingly you sounded happy Kaira but me, I was just a moment away from breaking down. God I had missed you a lot. I pretend to not know you but you knew me too well that I was pretending and I told you that I had accidentally called you and went back to play.
All I wanted to do was to listen your voice but something held me back from calling you, instead I messaged you on snapchat. I told you that it was an accidental call and I was sorry to trouble her. Kaira was surely in a different mood so she told me it was okay. I asked her even though she knew what I felt for her and knowing that I hate the fact that she was dating somebody, I asked her why did she expect me to say anything other than that to her. She was as confused as I was because she never got to know why I had stopped talking to her but for me the reason was quite obvious and she wasn’t ready to understand that fact.
Have you ever waited too long for something to happen that when it actually happens, you are unsure whether it was real or just a dream because you have overthought about it too such an high extent that everything seems like a product of your brain. Even after 2 months since I returned from Mumbai, everything was a blur.
At 4:00 p.m. I receive a call from her, that very moment I had decided that either it is me or no one else. I was unsure whether I could hold on to her because no matter how much I loved her, there was only a slight chance she would love me the same
way. So I pick her phone up, I was shocked, she wanted me to come meet her. I had no clue of what was about to happen.
Our last two meetings have been extremely weird, and both outside a bar with her friends. So I pick her up from the bar. I met her 2 months and lotsa bullshit later. Meeting her was different than it used to be, I was angry and so happy altogether. It was a weird feeling because she was still causing butterflies in my stomach. So half an hour later, We drop her friends and as soon as they leave she apologises, that too a lot. She just doesn’t realise the fact that whatever she does I’ll still love her, my love is unconditional for her and will always be. In any moment that we have shared I have always felt that she is the one. The one with whom I have to end up with. Every single memory of this day is etched in my heart forever. Kaira says, “ What is it that you are angry at?”. Honestly I was so pissed at her for dating someone else that I didn’t want to talk about it but when she asked it repeatedly, I had to say, ”I am so fuckin pissed at you for dating someone else, I love you and I can’t see you with anybody else. I love you a lot.” She was the first girl to whom I was able to say it.
It was probably an outburst of feelings that I had been stopping since the past three years, since the very moment I met her. Everyone believes of having that one person whom they could love forever. I had that person in her, just that she never understood what she meant to me.
As I confessed my love to her, her expressions told a different story, the one she never did, the one that was always hidden from me. Looking at her, I somehow felt that there is a part of her that loves me but that part is the one she never wanted to believe. I told her, “You are with him, and it kills me to see this. I want you to myself and seeing you with only me, and I don’t want anything other than death to make us part ways.”
Moving on is a difficult process.
It hits you so hard that you don’t have an option to love that person anymore. You don’t have a choice to care for the person that you once couldn’t stop thinking about for a moment because they were the ones that left you when you needed them the most. Just because you loved them more, they don’t deserve to fuck and leave you hanging.
I tried more than a thousand times to move over Kaira, but I would end up going right back to her whenever things got rough. But this time I am done, I truly am. She will always be a friend to me, no matter what happens because my love for her won’t ever fade away but there will finally come a time when it won’t hurt and she will still be one of the few people I care about.
I dont think there is a thing like falling out of love. You can fall in love all you want with whoever or whatever you want. But the choice to fall out of love doesn’t exist. Your heart can’t deny the fact that when you look at them, it doesn’t break a little. That longingness, those butterflies just come back. A part of you still wants you to make her yours. A part of you still tears up at the fact that you could never be together or you are no longer together. You feel something breaking inside when you realise that they might not have loved you or they want to love someone more
than you. I used to think there existed a thing called moving on, which basically meant un-loving someone. But if you truly loved them there’s no option to unlove. The only chance you stand is to love someone more than what you did before. For someone who wasn’t worth it or for someone who didn’t even want a drop of the ocean you had to give. Don’t try to throw away that piece of them you’re carrying. It will go away. Find someone who wants all of you and never wants to let go. Find someone who wants the entire ocean and more. Someone who will understand your language of love and wont leave you for you trying to be the best version of yourself
By Yash Chandna