Muses Of A Spectator

By Tanushree Choudhury

Poem 1- Letter to my Solitude

Solitude caresses her cheek telling her to remember her worth

Anxiety tells her that she has always been abandoned

Beliefs clutching Her hands telling her to remember the evidences

What then is the world that is there for her?

Will she grow or will she let this too go?

They say that in their life they will always have her light

They say that she will always tell us what's right

I wonder if they know the things they put me through

I wonder if they know that it's not always the ultimate truth

I wonder if they know that there is a chance that they are wrong too

I just wish they know that there's more than their care for us to do.

Knowing that she is upset, does it ever matter to them

Knowing that someone is low, does it ever rip their hem

Knowing the world has been a little cruel to her this week, does it stop them?

Do they realise their words can cut like knives or continue unknowingly?

Someday’s she wonders if her foes were better than what she called friends

Someday’s she wonders if she was special or someone they could in the crowd blend

Times there are where she thinks of her importance in their lives

Other times she laughs at the atrocities they put her through in her trying times.

What will attachment teach her now

When abandonment has made its own home in her somehow

What will attachment teach her now

When abandonment has made its own home in her somehow

Temporary is all she is

A fragment of their memory

A band-aid to their wounds

It is her feelings

Subjective as they may be

They have, after all, taught her a lot

Poem 2- 11 Years

11 years, a decade and beyond since I last saw you

And my last sight of you, oh the thought shudders me to this day

You told me you will always be there, you lied to me

For being there in pictures can hardly account for the warmth of your embrace

11 years ago, when you left this house to visit the hospital

You prayed to every deity, we all thought for good health

But at the hospital bed, in those last moments

I know you had prayed only for all of us

You told me silence makes everything better , you lied to me

For comfortable silences left with you, now silence only beckons thunderous clouds.

11 years ago, when I shouted at you for your life lessons

You let it go, considering it my childhood temper tantrum

You told me that screaming often won't get me anywhere, you lied to me

For without screams, it's only broken tears I know, which I no longer have you to dry

11 years ago today, when you asked me from the ventilator

"look after your Dima" you were heaving, each breath difficult by the second

I joined my hands in front of you, for you were my God, you were my inspiration

I blamed myself, I blamed everyone for not getting enough time

You told me time will heal everything one day?

Then why does your loss still wrench my heart every time?

Poem 3- The day I lost you

It was a rather normal day, nothing out of ordinary

Just me in my room sifting through pages of tragedies

I received a few messages a while ago, from an old friend

She deleted them, that is weird she wasn’t the kinds to blend

I, ignored it, thinking she messaged by mistake

But how would I have known then during my daily grudge intake

A post will change my life forever

A story, a memory, the world in shatters

It was at 10pm at night, I still remember

Scrolling through my social media feed, with no tremble

When I saw it, a photo of you, your favourite pose

Filled with a condolence message, a prank as I supposed

Shocked is not even the first emotion I felt

But the only one I remember

This cannot be true I kept telling myself

But to my hopes, that friend water shed

You were actually gone, you lost a long battle to your inner demons

My tears knew no bounds and they kept falling like venom

How is the boy who once stopped me from it actually gone?

How did his smile that bright hide so many emotions unknown?

We had not spoken in four years I saw

The chance of any conversations was taken away now

I let my ego win this one, for I always felt unwanted for you

How would I have known that all you wanted then was to be alone

I blamed myself for not being there for you

I also thought of how hard things were to do

I wish we had spoken; I really blame myself for that

I wish I had taken the step and not waited for you to do it

Because, now I no longer can get to you

You have gone too far away; heaven has had you for a year

I could not even say goodbye, I could not even say hello in four years

How do you move on from a loss as sudden as this?

How do you respond to the grief that engulfs you every time you think of him?

How do you find the answers to burning questions which have no resources for answers?

How do you tell your heart he is in a better place?

How am I supposed to accept you are gone?

How am I to live with this pain?

How would you have if it was me all those years ago?

How would you have if it was me all those years ago?

Poem 4- I did try it all

I tried it your way, I hope you know I did

I was understanding, empathetic to your condition when no one was

Heard you out, and gave my two cents, because I felt I was helping

Maybe, I was being pushy, for you never paid heed to them

I tried it your way, it has been 25 years now so I hope you know

I was strong, I was present, I let go off my dreams when you got lonely

I was the ideal daughter, in all the job roles you wanted

Maybe I could just never fit into the criterions you had already given to someone

I tried it your way, you may run from the truth of this I can tell

I took your words and accepted the fate of it, love made me do it

I was there, your safe space, for everything in the world you went through

Maybe I was not appropriate enough for you in walks of life, but that did not stop me at all!

I tried it your way, I know your head would not let you believe it

I was the ideal sibling, I was there to mother you when needed.

I was present, I fought your battles for you, letting go of my own mental health

Maybe our wavelengths didn't match, maybe it helped you pin blames

I tried it your way, My childhood is the giveaway

I stopped going out, I was scared to make friends

I stopped standing up for myself just to not get you angry

I chose to go by what you say, because the heartache was unprecedented

Maybe as your daughter, even after all this, I should have done better

I have tried it everyone's way, some people will say they do it too

Alas, the reality is that their work is probably self Oriented

Mine is a bit more people oriented, laughable after everything right?

I think I'll just laugh, for there is not much else I can do

Except to just sit and wallow

Except to just sit and wallow

Poem 5- Ode to my triggers

To all my triggers I wave a silent goodbye

To my feelings I bid a somber farewell

For you never mattered to those around you

Getting yourself broken time and time again just isn't fair

To my expectations, sitting sunken on a chair beside me

"You realise you have let them win over you" I hear a voice ringing within me

I let out a chuckle, packing a bag of the remaining hopes I had left

Waving my expectations away, in hopes that they find another home

"Why would you let them be themselves when you aren't being you" cried the voice again

I laugh telling my beliefs to take a sabbatical from work

Turning to focus on the dreams that lie sullen

"You will engulf yourself in darkness all over again" the voice keeps blabbering

I sigh.. wondering if I should grant the voice answers

Or keep my silence, giving a small smile continuing with work.

"You know I as your self doubt will not stop talking, you should be used to it"

The world won't change, no matter how hard I try

For the world their work, actions and tribulations will always stay supreme

No matter how hard I try to communicate my emotions, it will always fall on deaf ears

Why let my emotions feel the pain of being invalid?

Why let my hopes be broken into shambles with no fault of their own?

Why let others get the upper hand on making me feel worthless?

Why give someone the unhindered power over my beliefs?

It is high time I take the ownership of my emotions

It is high time I give myself the charge of my hopes and dreams

It's high time I deal the cards of my own sense of worth, without letting others bluff

It's high time I take the reign of my being, self worth, and motivations

For I've let others toy me around too much to their joy

For I've let others make me a pawn in their game for far too long

Poem 6- Tainted and enraptured

Tainted image, broken bonds stare at me every night.

Shards of self esteem prick every ounce of my body

What have you done this time? Cries the subdued child within me

Why are they labelling you the way they are this time ?

The gospel of selflessness seeming untrue all over again

The ropes of solitude tying up stronger once again

Which version of you are they telling you to be now ?

What unsolicited reason are they presenting this time ?

The reaction they give for every emotion you show breaking your train once again

The mole hill they make for your issues, kicking your soul to the curb for another go

Which tune are they making you sing in your head this time?

The broken thorns from the flower that was my zeal, all pave their ways through my insides.

The wilted petals, looking straight at me, the childhood I never received screaming at me.

Which photograph are they showing you this time, to get out some more work from you?

Which words of affirmative manipulation are they using this time, to tell you that you are always wanted?

The broken mirror, your childhood self looking you in the eye, asking one question and one question only.

Was it worth losing me for them, looking back?

Was it worth losing me for them, looking back?

Poem 7- Waving a Final Goodbye

I waved a final goodbye to you both today

The last one they say to free your soul

I don’t know how to cope with this thought

The thought that garlands will no longer try to fall from your photos

That candles and agarbattis will only glow during diwali

That tears will flow but not with Gods name in it

It’s been 11 and 8 years now that I’ve not seen those smiles out of the picture

Pictures however smile at me everyday

The thought that I’ll no longer get to pray to help your souls rest in peace

When I last spoke to one of you, I was at the lowest of my life academically

You remember the times I cried right? Of course you do, you were not the kinds to forget.

I am doing well now, or so I really hope, can you see my success from up there?

Or does the sky make it too blurry?

Your presence is around me, that is one thing I cannot quite deny

I feel it everyday, I hear your sage advice in my head

There was always a glint of pride on your faces, I remember the Sparkle

Is it still fresh though, or has it become a distant memory I wonder?

The water took you away, twice from me now, you used to tell me you used to boat to school

The water was peaceful to you, the same water is deafening and confusing for me

There’s calm but there’s uncertainty

Have I done enough I question myself ?

Will anything I do be enough?

But you smile at me through the pictures

The same ones at the Ganges today

You tell me I’ll be fine

You tell me I’ll be fine

Poem 8- I see the colour

There's colour in all of us, maybe a shade of red

Not only the blush, but maybe about meeting a crush?

There's colour in all of us, Maybe a shade of violet

Not only in the dusk of the sky, but also when finding a new high

There's colour in all of us, maybe a shade of blue too

There's newness in everything, vibrancy too, with a clouded air there's brightness too

There's colour in all of us, maybe a shade of yellow

As sparkly as the sun, the glitter splatter on our skin

There is more to the world, and above all there is a chance for hope

There's colour in all of us, maybe a shade of orange

For some it may mean the warmth and comfort, while for some it may mean passive aggression

There is a dual relation in every colour after all

There is colour in all of us, maybe a shade of everything on our face

Not one colour is actually definitive of us

We have a shade of black, we have a shade of grey

But there are also shades of white, cyan and magenta too!

There's colour in all of us, that I now know

I want the best for everyone

Let's live in a land of empathy, I really hope

Let's live in a land of empathy, I really hope

By Tanushree Choudhury