Mirage...

By Dr Aruna Kumari B

MARRIAGE ---- A MIRAGE

 Dreams in life are like goals, if worked hard they would materialize

That's a common saying and very strongly by all great people or elders to the young ones. 

Of all the dreams it is "Marriage", one of the greatest dream in all young girls' lives.  

Satya Sai Baba said marriage cannot be a mirage, it is a seven fold promise to each other.

“A binding that goes with emotion, moral, intellectual and last the physical plane”.

Dr. Krishna Kumari writes “Bhadra, the seventh consort of Lord Krishna was the most liked by the lord as she had an intellect confided in emotion which specified the reader that the lord only appreciated love binded with knowledge. 

Unfortunately, most marriages are based on standards of caste, creed, finance, 

kinship or love as a show, dignity or lust…Can there be a true relation?

Bunnu, where are you?” “It’s time for school”, called Urvi as she was setting Bunnu’s tiffin box. She dropped him to school and returned back. She completed the household tasks and spoke to the neighbour Puttama. How time passes by she felt looking at the watch as it was time to go to the bus stand and get Bunnu back, as she walked she remembered Chitra’s words that she never had time to feel relaxed because of her work in a corporate sector. That moment she felt a person working out might feel three fourth of the day, one is out and there is no time to feel relaxed but women at home still feel time flies. She reached the stop and bunnu ran to her with great enthusiasm “Mama, what did you prepare for snack?” Urvi looked at him and said that she had prepared sandwich

They reached home and it was Saturday. Urvi was sad to realise that she was feeling a kind of fear crop in… she thought to herself “What dreams I had for this marriage and ……..those dreamy days”. She thought of those days when she looked at the mango tree and had great laughter along with her friends. “I was happy to come home on Saturdays and those Sundays, she sighed. 

“Mama, Can I go down and play”, Bunnu asked and she nodded her head though she knew that it could be a reason for her husband to shout at her. The whole morning of Sunday she was standing in the kitchen with an imagination that her husband and in-laws would be happy with her care. Urvi smiled to herself as she knew that her in-laws were with her in the hard station where her husband was placed just after her marriage. They stayed as far as her vacation continued and left once she had to join work.

Suddenly Urvi came back to senses when bunnu came running and took her face in his hands “Mama. You know today my teacher too never smiled, maybe even she had a lot of work at home. Isn’t it mama?  Urvi nodded her head and asked him to finish his homework. 

She took a deep breath to accept the fact that the household work, Bunnu’s needs and education were important and was happy keeping away all her personal expectations because she was a ‘Woman’. 

Urvi wanted to speak to Bunnu’s teacher as she felt her son was not doing well. The next day she spoke to her and felt her to be serious in work but was very understanding. She remained unmarried and Urmila remembered her friend who also decided to take care of her younger brother, sister as well support the financial conditions at home. The other parents were expressing a feeling of loss in the teacher’s life, Urvi answered back asking “Are we all very happy with our marriages to feel sad, isn’t even this a demand of sacrifice?” They left her without uttering a word.

That evening Urvi took out an old diary of hers from which a letter fell down and Urvi had a great feeling going through its words even after years. She remembered Chennamma, the lady of the house who was a teacher who had a beautiful voice. Her two sons Uday and Prabhu were very naughty but hardworking too. It is known that they settled in US with good positions. Last time when Urvi met them they were residing in the teachers’ quarters’. She knew uncle Prakash worked as a supervisor. Uncle’s mother who was called ‘Aaji’ by all the children of the area, all very much fond of sitting beside her and listening to her stories. 

Urvi recalled those days when chennamma got the job, there was silence in the house and from then on Rajamma cooked for herself and chennamma could never listen to her mother-in-law speak to her. Her husband Prakash never tried to convince her too. Chennamma was always sad for this and at times felt guilty of not keeping the house in a happy mood. She never smiled happily as she wasn’t clear with her life. Urvi sighed not realising who was wrong? Infact she admired both. Marriage is not a contract and home is …. an interpersonal understanding. 

At dinner Urvi had to take care of Bunnu and clean the kitchen and her husband never had any words even though he was at home that too only during vacation or the weekend. Every attempt of her’s failed and landed in a heated argument as for him women cannot decide or question. Urvi’s mind hovered….

“You and I stand on a Bond

We are together for life

What holds you back and…

To take me for granted 

I am hurt and lost.”

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Childhood plays a major role in one’s make, Hence she put aside all her thoughts of loneliness which she felt every night after marriage especially looking at bunnu’s face and her finger’s rolled into his hair to soothe him into sleep or tried telling a story. Back into the past …..mom called out “Urvi, ayah might come, do fast, have you polished your shoes, “Yes amma”, Urvi replied listening to those melodious songs on the radio’. Even today she loved to listen to those kannada melodies... “Panchamaveda, premada raga…

“Rangi, Are you not tired to collect so many of us every morning and walk all the way for so many years I have been seeing you” Urvi had asked the ayah one morning when she was in class seven. She remembered Rangi doing that even before she knew may be since her LKG. Rangi replied “I have to work for my children and to run the house”. Today Urvi feels what about her husband? If taking care of children and household work is only woman’s, then why is it that man doesn’t plan out his finance and family? Poor Rangi had to work at 55 the burden of the bags.

“Distance never kills a relation

  Closeness never builds a relation

   It’s the caring attitude that builds….

   Faith and binds a relation.”

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While walking back from school “Hi Urvi, It’s a long time, how are you?” “Fine Geeta, It’s a great feeling, come, let’s sit somewhere and speak”, Is it ok?” asked Geeta. Urvi nodded and said “Yes”. They both sat sipping a cup of coffee and in between had all the talk of their age old days. In between Urvi heard sobbing of a woman in front of their table, she was gobbling food in a great hurry as if she never ate for a long time. Geeta smiled at her and said “Urvi, see her dress and the baby in her arms, “Yes, maybe she is subjected to domestic violence or dejection by family members for many reasons. It’s really painful “Do you need something”, Urvi asked the lady who was in a hurry to pay the bill. “No, I am going to a working women’s hostel, can you please help me locate the place”. “Yes I can “. Urvi took some time to do it.

Setting the bed Urvi was unable to forget the face of the lady “You are incapable of making things right, stop blaming others”, she remembered the words repeated often at home after her marriage when she asked about her seat in the university, her continuation of the job or to accompany her husband. She finally had to quit the job and not think of the university as it is not what she should think with a kid in her arms. Finally stay with her mother as her brother-in-law would get married as her husband cannot afford her travel, this was the wish of his family. She was blank and she had to go with life waiting for things to happen at their own convenience. 

Looking at the roof she spent years with haunting silence and harshness. She woke up the next morning with a headache and switched on the radio “Baanallu Neene, Bhuviallu Neene…”

It was a weekend and a friend called her and said she would be meeting her that day for lunch. Urvi busily prepared some fried rice and mixed veg curry, took out a new saree to gift her. The doorbell rang and she was happy to receive her “Hi Urvi, have these sweets”. They sat down and Urvi asked about Chitra.... “her husband takes care of the kid so that she can continue her work but often goes there to see her work”. Said Rubi “Hmmm, I suddenly felt Chitra’s attire and smile changed drastic for the flattery of one of her male colleague, after that her husband never believed her but I felt that was the reason of her husband’s behaviour”, said Urvi. “Yes Chitra was fun loving and so in between work never bothered to find out about her son, she just got away with things around”, said Rubi and that I think the male ego cannot accept, said Urvi with a great laugh. After lunch Rubi called her auto and left.

Urvi felt the working days with rural girls and a residential pattern allowed her to see life different, the warden sat there with all the girls. The morning study, the different women with their families trying to show “All is well”, though one husband came in the mid of the night and disappeared early morning. The physics teacher worked hard after her broken marriage to place herself there and so most men staff had a very interesting corner for her. It was also troublesome to know that Rubi’s husband hardly visited her. Rubi took care of her two sons with great determination. Urvi remembered her husband who once said that Rubi definitely had an affair with a policeman who was tall and hefty unlike her husband in a harsh tone. Urvi did not answer back but it definitely disturbed her mind. The question that popped up her mind was “Why the discrimination?” can she speak of any of his friends or will she dare do that if she expects harmony in the relation.

The doorbell rang and Darshit was standing there asking “Aunty, can I speak to Bunnu”?  “Yes, come in and sit with him” said Urvi. “Both of you have these sweets” she said giving them a plate of sweets which Rubi had brought that morning. “who brought them mama? asked Bunnu and both of them forgot the presence of Urvi.  “childhood is the best part of life”, Urvi remembered those days with Purnima residing in the next street, every Saturday afternoon Urvi’s mother took a nap and they waved hands and either one went to the other’s house and played for some time. In the evening it was running on the streets playing hide and seek till they saw mother in the balcony. Then it was study time and sometimes writing tests. It taught a self-study and giving a self-timetable, which she felt lacking in most of them in the present generation. The music of the violin that came through the window every morning that woke her up along with the chirping of the sparrows, one morning she was dumbstruck with the beauty of the girl and the language they spoke was tamil, she never understood. May be this made Urvi’s father to hire a music teacher and he was a very much experienced master, Urvi still sang the “Hamsadvani raagam”, ….. it was great fun to wait for the cup of coffee which Urvi’s mother gave, after drinking the master left. The games on the street in the evening were more captivating to Urvi. Even today she enjoyed singing the shlokas than just chanting. She felt music has something that could amuse the soul.

 “Cuckoo amused every traveller in the desert paving way to realise nature’s bounty”

 Urvi was setting the things when she realised that she hasn’t opened the newspapers for long time. Bunnu was busy watching TV and it was a routine for her to call and see that he sleeps, sometimes she sang Hanuman Chalisa as he often was succumbed to temperature. Looking at him she opened the newspaper and sat down to read a few lines and got stuck at a classified. She felt like applying and quitting the job of a school teacher she had chosen which were of the same timings when Bunnu would be at school but was never satisfied, she had tears roll as she cannot think of something better, there were many chains around her. “Why is there a problem, hope ‘you’ are not a problem, hence unable to manage”, I always find that you have a problem with everything and everyone”. There was a moment when it was the same ‘He’ who wanted to marry her because everyone in the department appreciated her. “You are worth lakhs of rupees, why think of dowry” and “your abilities are beyond this stand of job”. How could statements change with time, so conveniently, was it a worldly way…

The society, its norms, tradition and culture do give a hand to the manipulation of emotions. Sitting at the table with piled up school work Urvi was finishing the report card work. She called, “Bunnu please come, sit here and complete the home work”. “Mama, help me out with this work”, she looked at the writing and felt the difficulty of taking profound care when one has professional demands as well as household work. She wanted to hire a cook but some fear stopped her though she would be paying from her pocket. She got up to finish the cooking and sat down late at night to finish the school work.

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“All are born similar, what makes the difference, sharing and care can make life bloom, but why”? It was midnight she could see things fallen here and there, she put them in order and set bunnu’s bag, uniform for the next day. She walked into the kitchen and looked into the necessities for the breakfast, lunch etc. so that she can finish without rush in the morning.

Patience and perseverance make things fall in order…. she thought standing in front of the lord applying little ash on to her forehead and on to bunnu’s…. she wished herself a goodnight setting alarm as they were few hours left to rest. This was her routine for the past 15 years.

The phone ringing ‘tring tring’ mala called Urvi after reaching back to US. She had been to India for two years with a hope of settling here as her children are in classes 5 and 8. She feared once in higher studies they may never want to settle in India.

However hard she tried she had to go back for one reason. Urvi went to Mala’s in-laws house as she had to attend a workshop. The night was very pleasant talking to her mother-in-law, “see this album and that photo, it reminds me that occasion, come watch this serial, would you like this sweet? the affection or concern made her forget time and the sleep was deep. The next morning when someone came to visit her after attending a puja, she recalled “Mala, would take me out often and she would definitely ask before leaving home. she never made me feel that stranger daughter-in-law”. Saying this she had tears. Urvi completed her two day programme and as sat in the bus along with her son. She waved her hand in air feeling those good moments. She wrote in her book “Not all mother-in-laws realise their daughter-in-laws,” the thought of a stranger walking into her son’s life and its impact is stronger in many.

I and you are strangers…

You remain where you are…

I am asked to be there…

To join you for the rest of my life.

With a trust and hope….

In the bond of marriage…

So many dreams.

The bus stopped and urvi’s thoughts took a break. She got down for a water bottle and remembered a tour 

When there was no talk but photos so beautifully showing a closeness to the world, Is she another piece of that furniture at home where people have a glance to comfort themselves which showcases one’s standard. 

she got into the bus and dozed along with her son until they reached their destination. As she got home she prepared kichadi and both had it. she got back to her chores. She folded the clothes, set them in their places and cleared all the stuff from the brought baggages. It was evening, she had a bath and lighted diya, she loved the evening prayer, she read ‘guru charitra’, felt a relief. Anything that brings peace is love and that which creates fear is not truth. It was night and prepared some roti and sabji for her son and she had a little rice as it did not suit her. She was standing and felt the laughter with her colleagues in the residential before marriage, she married to have someone to share instead she lost what she had…… of course she was foolish to not realise that her mother too never had any good out of marriage. Why did she jump in!

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One afternoon Harini said “My husband applied for the Principal post “, I would like him here as we bought a house and the family could live together”. “Truly, that’s great news “, what happened, Urvi asked. “sadly Harini did not reply. She had her breakfast silently and packed her box in a half torn cover. Urvi watched her rush to the VP office, later that afternoon harini started on her own after a class when Urvi was piling up books with a sigh. “my husband choose me instead of my cousin, my parents were happy, one evening he took me to the nearby university and had a talk with the authority and made it possible being a principal”. “I somehow finished my PG with physics, though I wanted maths as my subject, but was happy as his wife enjoying the privilege”. She continued, “I enjoy the pride of having people running around us, of course in relation as a couple I feel there is some gap which makes me feel some lacunae, especially listening to good songs reminds me that we never were close”, Urvi patted her back.

Later that evening both sat in Urvi’s house to finish off the student uploading for a competition. They laughed together having tea and biscuits. The weekend Urvi took Harini’s help to finish some thesis work, last minute she was told that some pages were incomplete and she had to finish up to submit after the printer work. Urvi knew that the degree will not help much in her life but that was a possibility without disturbing her family and work. She always realised this in the words of Robert Frost “I kept the decision for another day, as I looked at the other road…” she mused thinking if she could also say ….and that made all the difference.

Life has its own limitations like age to go with the professional growth, a degree in twenties can promote but in forties what difference could it make? Maybe a little satisfaction of being able to do something what she wanted in life, she promoted herself. ‘YES’, when there is a chance to appreciate oneself, one should do it, no one ought to do that, as a teacher she would preach but on personal account, is she doing that…?

Every Tuesday Urvi went to a temple for the past four years, Infact prayer was a part of her life, Purnima nights she loved visiting the goddess and the kumkum ritual was fascinating. In difficult times she had definitely asked the almighty ‘why is there so much misery in the world, especially like in myths’ why good had to go with trivial pursuits? That evening as she was to enter she saw the daughter of her worker in beautiful red, even the mask due to covid infection, she smiled and felt good for the encouragement given to pursue her education, yes, education and knowledge are the ingredients for upliftment in life, whether one has it in the form of a degree or not but it definitely helps.

It was very much a boost to see her speak in English as it showed an international outlook. Feeling good Urvi spoke to her of good books which could be a sound support in times of decision making. Difficulties make one strong and to be able to see ahead of the unseen…. Results…. unique. The little girl expressed her desire to pursue higher studies, earn well and live a comfortable life. She further said its my birthday tomorrow and want to buy a good dress, cake, sweets for my friends, teachers, neighbours. Urvi helped her a little and could see deep in her eyes a zeal to achieve. Urvi thought of her son who never had such strong feelings. Sometimes adversity proves a hard teacher.

It was the month of May. Scorching heat taking out the clothes from the balcony, Urvi looked at the neighbours garden with vegetables and some religious plants which gave her a happy feeling. It went further making her happier looking at the couple talking something simple, smiling at each other. Looking at them Urvi felt small things with honesty are the most honourable things in one’s personal life. She took a deep sigh twenty years down searching for such a moment made her think “how many lives must have lived lifeless waiting, thinking, feeling lost” Why? 

That afternoon talking to lavanya in the ‘Helen-O-Grady’ theatre practical teaching acting skills – do they turn out to be practical skills like how a flower can be just petals, sepals, stamen and pistil or the beauty of a flower can be only felt like a breeze. 

Later lavanya just shared how her marriage had no such flavour it was just work and work to feel responsible, she took out her mobile and showed a quote of a psychologist which said ‘The greatest mistake of a woman is that she expects a lot out of her marriage’ Though both of them smiled at each other at that moment but the pain travelled a long time in their minds. Is it the childhood make up of a child that brings up one’s adulthood behaviour. Involuntarily Urvi had tears to know that she had been alone since her 5^th month of her pregnancy … its beyond words even today that she is made to realise – women should marry to be pregnant mostly immediate and take care of home, child and think of her in laws as her priority. She knew its an age old story of women and its considered insane to think of questioning, sometimes she questioned herself – if she was wrong. In the process of this quest she met three psychiatrists and couldnot help beyond medication as it was their version of the problem persisting not in her. Can she ask for ‘Love’.

Urvi turned toward’s God and felt that religion as addiction is positive and better – twenty years down nothing changed but she herself changed ….. ‘Change is inevitable’ and with almighty everything is for good. It was time for evaluation and she had to travel long early morning waking up and standing in the kitchen looking at the blue sky, feeling the fresh air, listening to some music was her work for years, no escape….. sitting in the auto she felt that she couldnot manage driving a vehicle….. yes…bicycle- father never bought…she was incapable of borrowing from friends. Though she bought one it was driven and spoilt --- so that she wouldnot think of being confident.

So auto was her only source…. She tried using it than saving much and going through misery. Life is sometimes what we make, no one would help or rescue one from their day to day misery, especially when one has a self-centred family. The societal norms only speak of tolerance and fake show. It respects people with all intact boundaries. She realised she missed the route and had to go round about paying much to the auto. Someone tried helping her but she knew they would showcase their greatness or her inability. The ten days of her evaluation period she felt happy meeting different people and sharing views, feelings, she sighed as she lost a close friend due to cardiac arrest, it was surprising to know that she just fell down after distributing watermelon with a great smile walking towards the washbasin.

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Good placements make one feel secure and when happened at an early age makes one develop different vanities.

Meeting guests in the vacation, changes that take place over a period of time within the family even among siblings is a question of thought and tolerance. Urvi felt the pain of distance among her cousins….. meeting was scarce and talk was minimal.

She understood sharing has become hard and each one is facing different things in life. Many a times urvi questioned herself about all this network of drama that happens all around and never got an answer. It made her walk towards her bookshelf to pick up one book to quench her thirst of emotion.

Norman Vincent Peale helped her feel that things could change with a strong prayer. Positive thinking that everything happens with a purpose makes one lead life healthy. Broken marriages, separation, revenge, hatred never broughtforth any good even to the doer.

All is right …..if done best…..no matter how any feels….patience can lead…..Her cousin Charmi was hardworking and so placed herself well into medical. She chose to be a gynaec which definitely is a boon to women folk as it is a compulsory stage to go through in life. Unable to be a mother immediately after marriage is a great sin…. No one tolerates…maybe present generation is going a step ahead by planning but if anything goes wrong …..definitely that female has to go through trauma…..none will support not even her husband who is a part of everything. People will not like this to the core. Why?

By Dr Aruna Kumari B