Maybe, it’s Not a Goodbye.

By Shreya Dnyanesh Wakate

 I vividly remember the first time I had seen you. It was during our annuals , we all were rehearsing our dance moves and you caught my eye maybe because you were such a good dancer which was shocking because I had seen the other class boys ruining that dance but you outshined them all or I couldn’t get my eyes off you because you had such a heart warming smile. I didn’t fall in love with you straightaway though but I did fall in love with you eventually.

      I would see you everyday around the corridors of our school and admire you from afar. You had a throng of admirers and I was definitely one of them. We became friends , I liked spending my time with you even if that meant getting into a playful banter with you. I would return back home from school, revisit the moments I had with you and feel overwhelmed by the feelings I was carrying for you in my heart. You were absolutely unaware about my feelings, I would never blame you for that because I have always been good at hiding my feelings or I’d rather say I have always been scared of falling in love. 

       I would see you with other girls and keep pretending that I didn’t care but deep down I was hurt because you were having all of those of moments with someone else, the one’s I wanted to have with you . I never thought I had the capability to love someone so deeply. I was just thirteen when I’d first met you and that’s when I first fell in love. First love is beautiful , I mean you fall in love, you cannot imagine being with anyone else and then there comes a heartbreak when you realize you can never have that person. You were that person in my life who I would never hate no matter how hurt I was by your actions. I hated the effect you had on me. “Love is beautiful” is what I have realized after meeting you ,despite the pain it causes. You and I were never meant to be but there was a time when I thought we were , it sounds foolish now. But you become stupid when you are in love. When I would be around you , I felt exhilarated. I remember this one time you told me how kind I was and that’s why you loved talking to me . That indeed was the best compliment I have ever gotten or maybe it felt best because that compliment came from you. 

      Deep down I knew that you never loved me, you just loved the fact that I was always there for you no matter what. It hurt me, made me feel insecure about a lot of things I had. I remember this one boy from our school telling me that I was pretty but I didn’t believe him maybe because I expected that compliment to come from you. That’s what loving you has taught me , I might love someone from the depths of within but if the feelings are not reciprocated then that love is meaningless. It means staying away from the ones who really love me for the one who I feel will love me back one day . But, then I realized that one day will never come .

   No matter what people say , your first’s are always special . You have a difficult time getting over them, honestly you never get over them. You just get over the fact that you two can’t be in each other’s lives.

         But I don’t regret loving you ,in fact I will never stop loving you. I just want to love someone with the same intensity the way  I loved you.

By Shreya Dnyanesh Wakate