Look What LOVE Has Done! - By Glynis Faith Lamberts

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Written By: Glynis Faith Lamberts

Category: Creative Non- Fiction

Competition: Global Poetry and Creative Writing Competition 2026

Glynis Faith Lamberts presents a deeply personal and transformative narrative titled "Look What LOVE Has Done!" in the Creative Writing category of the Global Poetry and Creative Writing Competition 2026. This poignant work is a testament to the enduring power of love, faith, and personal resilience. Through her reflective prose, Glynis invites readers to embark on a journey of healing and introspection, offering insights into her own experiences of overcoming life's adversities through spiritual faith and inner strength.

About the Work

"Look What LOVE Has Done!" is a reflective and evocative journey through personal trials and triumphs, infused with a profound spiritual awakening. Glynis Faith Lamberts uses vivid imagery and heartfelt prose to depict her experiences, weaving a narrative of hope and renewal. The work delves into themes of healing, forgiveness, and transformation, offering readers a glimpse into the author's faith-driven path to emotional and spiritual freedom. It is a moving testament to the power of love and divine intervention.

Look What LOVE Has Done!

Original Submission by Glynis Faith Lamberts

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmittedinanyform or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permissionof theauthor, except for brief quotations used for purposes of revieworcriticism.

This book is based on the author's personal experiences, memories, reflections, and faith journey.

First Edition, 2026

Written by Glynis Lamberts

Acknowledgements

First and foremost, I give honor to my Papa God- the God of the unseen- whosegentle, steadfast Presence carried me through every step of this healing journey, holdingme, comforting me, and tenderly putting me back together again. Because of You God, I couldwrite this book.

I am forever grateful to my Mommy, whose faith after the loss of my father led her todeclare, "You took my husband and their father away; now You be my husband and their father." With God's help, you raised us singlehandedly, weaving trials, laughter, and tears intoaclose-knit family rooted in Jesus Christ.

My deepest thanks go to my husband, whose patient kindness steadied me duringmy'undoing' process, and to my children, who graciously gave me the time and space simplytobe, during those years.

I also want to thank every person God placed in my path to help bring this book tolifeinthisseason of my life ;my husband and sons, who left my door shut so I could complete thebook; my daughter, whose heart-aligned design created the perfect book cover, and my 2closefriends who borrowed their technical expertise.

Together, you all have been the hands and heart that have made this work possible, andI ameternally thankful for each of you.

About This Book

Look What LOVE Has Done!

To those who've been wounded by life's twists and turns, who've carried the weight of painand uncertainty, for those who experience memory gaps. This book is your reminder thathealing is possible, and freedom is within reach. Within these pages, you'll findstories, scriptures, and reflections that will guide you towards the heart of God, where truehealingand restoration await.

As you read through these chapters, I pray you'll see yourself reflected in these pages-amirror image of your own story, struggles and triumphs. May this book be a guidinglight, helping you navigate the complexities of your emotions and feelings, and leading youdeeperinto the heart of healing and freedom.

Chapter 1

One morning in January of 1998, I awoke from a strange dream. I dreamed that a prophetvisited our church. He walked straight to my mother and said these words: "Sister, yourdaughters are held in bondage because of what has been planted in the middle of theyard."

I shared the dream with my sister, and being very zealous for the Lord, we startedtowalkaround our yard and measured the middle of it, we prayed and broke any curses spokenover us in the Name of Jesus. I had come to the knowledge of a common practise amongourpeople group, the Coloured Peoples of South Africa, where they would visit a 'slimmens' ( similar to a sangoma) and they would place a curse upon someone by planting anaccursedarticle in their yard or hide it in their house. We thought that something like that might havehappened so we prayed that every curse would be nullified, and left it at that, believingthatthe curse had been broken.

A few weeks later our senior pastor announced that a woman would be comingtoourchurch and start a series of teachings on Deliverance and Innerhealing, Generational curses,etc. She would teach every second Sunday and I looked forward to it withmuchanticipation. The only other time I heard teachings on inner healing, was when Dr Wilf Kenthad visited our church to preach about it. He ministered with so much love, compassionandunderstanding and I was surprised to see so many people, young and old, acrossthedifferent people groups, responding to the alter call for deliverance and healing, walkingdown the aisles with tears streaming down their cheeks, some crying out loudly.

So much brokenness in the church, I could hardly believe it ! Little did I knowthen, about thebrokenness that was hidden inside of me and that God had plans for me, plans to embarkwith Holy Spirit, on a journey into my yesterday....

Amanda began her teachings from God's Word and I was learning so much. I was oneof those Christians who believed that once I had received Jesus Christ as my personal Saviour, I was a new creation and the old had passed away. And whilst this held true, I also learnedfrom her teachings that if we play on the 'devil's playground' (i.e.,reading or watchingpornography ), he gains legal access to me. I literally open the door for himto enter, andnow he could plague me with thoughts of lust and fantasies, which could lead to masturbation, fornication, adultery and even molestation and rape. I learned that I haveachoice: to either continue playing around with him or I could confess my sin to God, renounce it , ask God to forgive me, and He would close that door, as the enemy wouldnolonger have any legal grounds to access me.

I couldn't get enough of God's Word, and I now understood the meaning of the versethat says, "My people perish because of a lack of knowledge. "The Holy Spirit led me, andI beganto renounce things in my life and allowed Holy Spirit to cleanse me anew with the 'washing'

of the Word of God.

I experienced so much spiritual growth, as the Word of God brought 'light to my understanding' and I received victory in areas that I struggled with before , by applyingtheprinciples that I was being taught.

Chapter 2

I really enjoyed Amanda's teachings and I gained valuable insights into the spiritual realm. In the month of April, Amanda began her teachings on the mind, the conscious andsubconscious mind. She explained how, whilst being formed in the womb, our subconsciousstarts to record "happenings" and how things said and done before our birth couldhaveaneffect on the way we act and think in the present. She went on to say that the middleof themind, known as the subconscious mind, sometimes acted as a garbage bin where traumaticexperiences could be buried away, so deeply that it was possible that a person couldnot recall a section or sections of their life. She explained that the devil also had knowledgeof the records stored in our subconscious and he could trip us up in our spiritual lives, as heknew the weak and vulnerable areas in our lives that we were unaware of. She saidthat unless one is prepared to face and deal with what's stored in our subconscious minds, wecould not be whole.

It's as if we are fragmented and she gave an example so we could better understand. Therewas this lady who had all she wanted; a caring husband who adored her and 2 lovely children. However, she was constantly depressed and battled with overwhelming suicidal thoughts. She was asked whether there were any time period in her life that she hadnoremembrance of, and she answered that she could not remember anything betweentheages of 8-11. She recalled that before the age of 8 she did quite well at school, followedbyadip in her grades between 8-11 years old, but then her academic performance improvedagain after turning 11. She was told that the Holy Spirit could help her to remember as Jesuswas present in the past. She did not have to fear as the Blood of Jesus protected her andHisanointing would break the yokes of the past. She agreed to prayer and almost immediatelythe Holy Spirit transported her to the place and time when her uncle had first rapedher. Shewas 8 and it continued until 11 years of age, when this uncle died. The little girl hadburiedthis traumatic experience so deeply that she was unable to remember it! But even thoughshe had no recollection of what had happened, it definitely impacted her present life whereshe was battling mental issues relating to her past. She was counselled and Holy Spirit lovingly restored and healed her from ber painful past and she was set free.

I was gripped by this story as it reminded me of how many times I had asked my twosisters-one who was 3 years older than me and the other, a year younger - why I couldn't remembercertain time periods when they could. I came to see that maybe I had "memory gaps", thingsthat were hidden. But what could it be ?

At the end of the service there was a time of ministry. Amanda asked the congregationtohold hands and to close our eyes, she would ask the Holy Spirit to "lift the lid " of the middle-mind, to reveal anything that might be hidden. She went on to say that Holy Spirit was anabsolute gentleman, that He wouldn't force Himself on anyone so if you were not ready, you

could just say so and He would leave it at that.

We held hands, closed our eyes and as Amanda led us into prayer and asked the Holy Spirit to reveal any hidden things, I suddenly found myself reacting in a strange way. My heart waspounding wildly and my mind was filled with such immense panic. I felt so alarmed, whenI found myself letting go of the hands that were holding mine and I heard myself whisper anemphatic ,"NO!!! ". I was shocked at the emotional intensity of the panicking thoughts that were triggered in my mind. I was always eager to obey the leading and instruction of theHoly Spirit - 'What was wrong with me?' I thought in desperation. At that very moment, I remembered my dream and what the prophet had told my mom. I was horrified as it dawnedon me with absolute clarity that the "middle of the yard" he had spoken of in my dreamwasindeed the "middle" of my mind - my subconscious mind! I left the church in a bit of a daze.

Chapter 3

The Awakening.

The week following my experience in church, was absolute torture. As I sat workingonmysewing machine, questions kept popping into my mind. It was as if a whole bunch of advertisements were playing across the screen of my mind, all crying out for my attention, all of which alluded to what could have happened in my past, a past that I could not recollect. I thought :" How was it possible that I could grow up with a part of me buried away inmysubconscious?" But I remembered Amanda's teachings when she explained howGod, inHisinfinite and tender mercy, gave us this ' forgetting' as a survival mechanism, until suchatimethat He knew that we were mature enough to deal with it. I knew that it was the Holy Spirit pointing out things in my life and I was scared to death at my thoughts. I was thinking:" whatif it was true that there's something hidden inside me? It would change who I am, what I thought about myself - my convictions would all be lies because they didn't portray the'real' me or the whole me. What terrified me the most, though, was the pattern of my thoughtsand the direction they were heading.

I was confronted with questions about why I couldn't bring myself to watch stories about child molestation or rape. For example, I would say things like: 'Why did God allowthechildto live?' or ' How will that child be able to live with what happened to them?' or ' I'mgladthechild died because that person killed her already." I never watched movies of child abusebecause it made me feel hopeless. I felt like:" why should I watch something like that ont.v. when it's busy happening in our communities behind closed doors, and there was absolutelynothing I could do about it! "

I never questioned the intensity of my reactions; I just attributed it to the fact that I hadstrong feelings about the issue because I loved children, and the thought of someoneharming such vulnerable, harmless beings was just too horrendous to deal with. But now, I was beginning to think that my 'strong feelings' went much deeper, because all the while, asthese thoughts raced through my mind, my heart was beating furiously and I was feelingabsolutely terrified.

I sat down and began to speak to God. I said :" Please God, don't let it be true. I think it would just kill me if I have to find out that something like that happened to me. That wouldbe too much to bear and it would change me completely. " I saw this mental picture of atreasure chest and it felt like I was on this treasure hunt. Usually, if there's gold in thetreasure chest, then there would be traces of gold dust leading to the treasure chest whichwould make one feel excited because you would expect to find gold. Well, the 'traces' I wasseeing and the clues I was picking up, leading me to my 'chest' was making me feel anguished because it was pointing to the most fearsome thing in my mind; child rape, abuse, incest, molestation !

I started to reason with the Lord, saying, : ' if something like this happened to me, thencertainly You could heal and restore me completely without having to remember or confrontmy past.' I didn't feel any better, and anxiety began to grow because deep inside my being, I had this firm conviction that the Holy Spirit was going to bring back the memories. As I sat down, I suddenly found myself whispering : "I forgive you Daddy." I was frightened- wheredid that come from? I loved my daddy and had only good memories of him.

At the same time I recalled a conversation with my older brother in 1992. We were talkingabout alcohol and he said that he wouldn't touch it as he saw what it had done to our father. I was upset and I told him that he was lying because I could not remember or even imaginemy dad drinking alcohol. He called out to my dad's sister to look at me and confirmwhat hehad told me. I saw my aunty's eyes fill with tears, and she said, " I'm sorry, Glynis, it's true." I turned my back to her and cried, and I knew with a sinking feeling that she was tellingthetruth, even though I had no remembrance of it. However, here was a very good exampleof how something could be buried in my subconscious to such an extent that I had norecollection of it.

I went home, after that whispered 'forgiveness' my mind was a war zone. I dared not sharethese thoughts with anyone as it seemed most absurd. The most terrifying thoughts I wasbattling with, were : "if it's true then how could God have allowed it to happen? Couldn't Hehave stopped it?' and ' how could an adult do something so horrendous to a little child, especially if it was my own daddy ! I dreaded these thoughts and I cried so much. Thefollowing are 2 extracts from my diary.

Monday 20 April 1998.

"Amanda's session has done something inside of me.There's a stirring and I'mscared, soscared to face what it is. Thank You, that I know You, You're a loving Father, that's whoYouare, You will never leave me nor forsake me. You will be right beside me. I have a gentleDaddy, who will not give me something that would be too hard for me to bear, for Youwill then carry it for me, if it was hard. I'm coming to You, I'm trusting You for a miracle inmylife."

Tuesday 21 April 1998.

"Father God, I'm scared, please help me. I don't want to grieve You, I don't want to hurt Youby refusing to face the past. Already Your Holy Spirit is bringing things to mind, things I sayand do and it makes me all the more scared of what it would lead to. Daddy please holdmeand never let go of me. Please don't let it be true! But Daddy, I aslo know You'll be herewithme, and I ask that on the day I come to You and remember, I want You to be VERYREAL, I want You to touch me and hold me. Your Very Presence must be Tangible. Daddy, why, ohwhy is this happening? Maybe it's just the devil trying to make me think this so I'll be scaredto talk to someone. I love You Daddy, and I know You won't do anything to hurt me andYou'll turn all the bad into good. I will Glorify Your Name and people will come to You- intheName of Jesus. I choose You again and again.

You mean so much to me,oh Lord,I trust You with my life."

The following day ,whilst sewing at the machine, the same thoughts plagued my mind. Bylunchtime I could stand it no longer and I went home with the intention of telling my sister, Avery. However, she had a visitor so I was left once again with my agonising thoughts. I battled with fear, insecurities, and I had this overwhelming urge to sit down and weep, but told myself that I didn't have a "real" reason to cry and I suppressed these urges. ThursdayI finally had the opportunity to speak to Avery. I started with :' you know that teachingthat Amanda gave on Sunday? Well, it's triggered a lot of emotions and thoughts in me andI think that something happened to me when I was little.' I started to cry uncontrollably andmy heart was also beating wildly. Avery was somewhat taken aback by my outburst andasked me what had happened. Of course, I couldn't answer that question, and instead, I asked her, " You know those movies that I could never bring myself to watch? " She said," Yes, " and I said , "Well, it seems like things are pointing towards that ( I couldn't evenget thewords out). "I continued, saying, "It can't be, though -I don't remember anything, yet I feel sooverwhelmed by a sadness, a loss ,an emptiness - and also I feel scared, weepy, angry, all at the same time.

She had no words and I got up and went back to work. I was dwelling on all the "clues" thusfar revealed and decided that I would go see a counsellor. Immediately, I felt that Averywould have to go with me, else she would never believe me. I wondered why I neededtohave my sister with me and why I wanted her to believe me, to understand and not condemnme. I realized that ever since my teenage years, it was always her opinion that matteredtome. I went back home again, and she tells me that after I left, she was standing at thestove, allowing her mind to wander, when she started to remember something but quickly 'pushed' it out of her mind.

She admitted that she too felt scared and that she needed to deal with something; sheknows that it's something to do with our daddy, but she doesn't know what. We bothendupcrying, and I'm thinking, "This is what I'm really scared of - that all my good memories of mydaddy are going to blow up in my face!" Avery and I continued to talk about our childhood, and we realise that even though we are 8 children, the two of us were always close, backingeach other up, leaning on each other; we knew we could count on each other to be therethrough the good and the bad things. We decide that maybe the two of us sawsometraumatic event in our childhood that made us cling to each other for support. In the backof my mind, I found myself wondering why we were so careful not to hurt each other, whyit hurt so much more when she said something hurtful to me, and why she always fearedthat if something had happened to me, that it would automatically have happened to her as well.

Chapter 4

Stirring of the waters.

"And it so happened, that at a certain season, the angel of the Lord would come downandstir the waters of the Pool of Bethesda, and whoever stepped in, after the troublingof thewaters, was made whole."-John 5:4

In the following weeks I began to remember bits and pieces from my early childhood, eventsthat took place at the place where we lived, which I had no recollection of. It used tobelikeadark room. I remembered, that in the back of my granny's yard there was a big stone mushroom (it was later moved to the front) and I 'saw' myself bent over it, throwingupandcrying. I remembered also that throughout my teenage years and early adulthood, my tearswould stream down my cheeks whenever I vomited and I would somehow feel 'dirty'. I remembered Avery and I, as little girls, helping my mommy to push the bedroomdoor closein an attempt to stop some angry person from entering.

I also remembered a man who used to visit my granny's house and how scared I was of him. I then understood my behaviour from a memory that I always had, but never understood. I was 6/7 years old, and this man would visit my dad when we moved to our house. I was seated with my brothers and sisters at the kitchen table; both my parents were present. When I saw him, I hid under the table, next to the stove and I cried. Even in my teen years, when I saw him approaching, I would cross the road to the other side just to avoid him. Wewould laugh about it later when I was older, but now I was wondering why I used tobesucha scared little girl. I also started to remember things my cousins told me.They never wantedto play with me when I was little because I used to cry all the time, I was afraid of everythingand I would cling to my mommy all the time.

With the memories coming back and all these thoughts badgering me, I decided to stayaway from Amanda's sessions for a while. She was still busy with the subject of emotions andI was scared of more memories being triggered. Staying away from church however, mademe feel disconnected and I longed for fellowship with the body of Christ. Finally, I decidedtogo to one of the morning services. I specifically chose the 2nd service, since I figuredthat theyouth and young adults attended the 1st service and so there wouldn't be any familiar faces. I took a friend along, and the following is an account from my diary of what happened.

28/04/1998

When Katy and I got to church, the praise session had already ended and the worshipbegan. It was beautiful. Then I started to feel light-headed and I wondered if it was because I hadskipped breakfast. I decided to sit down but it felt like there was a big knot in my tummy. I tried to sing along with one of my favourite worship songs, 'who is there like You, ohGod, You who created us in Your Likeness' but I began to choke up, and with the last line, 'You'veappointed us to be Your very own', I just couldn't sing anymore. There were these voices in

my head shouting, 'lies, it's all lies - You were not made to be His very own. Why wouldHeallow you to be hurt? ' I just wanted to break down and weep, but my mind told me tobehave, as I was in church. I wanted to get up and leave the service, but I was sittingclosetothe front, and I hated even going to the bathroom during services because I felt it woulddraw attention to me.

The nausea increased and I felt the perspiration break out on my forehead, as if I hadafever. I motioned to an usher and asked her if she could ask Pastor Rina to meet me at the back, and she came back to tell me that she's waiting for me. My knees felt so weak and it seemedas if I was about to faint, but as I stepped out into the aisle, Pastor Rina was there. I felt ahuge relief as she placed her arm around my waist to support me and walked me out of thechurch hall, towards the restaurant.

We sat down at a table, and I told her how Amanda's teachings had been triggeringme. I spoke about the memories coming back and my fears of what it could be. I was crying, andshe handed me tissues and prayed for me, and I felt calmer. She told me that God wouldreveal what happened and that the Holy Spirit would be there to comfort me. She toldmethat she sensed the Peace of God and that she would work through it with me, andthat I should make an appointment to see her the following Tuesday at 2pm. She then askedmewhether I was okay enough to go back into the service, and I said "no" as I was still feelingnauseous. She then proceeded to tell me not to give into my emotions and cry, becausethenan usher would call her out of the service again, and she left to go back into the church.

I was in utter disbelief, and my spirit cried out to the Lord, "Lord, why do I feel like a naughtychild who has been chastised and brushed aside? It's as if the service is more important toher. Lord, if I am to entrust myself to someone, it has to be someone who is empatheticandpatient with me. I don't know if Pastor Rina is the right person, Lord; it seems as if shehasother priorities. I know her heart is right; otherwise, I wouldn't have trusted her, but I don't think that she is the one to walk this road with me."

After she left, I ran to the bathroom and vomited violently. It felt like there was a bigball inmy stomach and it wanted to come out. I stayed in the toilet until the service ended, andmade my way to the front entrance to meet my friend. As we walked, my legs begantofeel weak again and my heart was beating so fast, it was as if I had been running a race. I suggested to Katy that we go to a mutual friends' place since I felt too weak to makeit home.

We got to Ryno's flat, and what happened next, I would never want to relive again! I brokeout in a cold sweat, ran to the bathroom and threw up so many times, on an empty stomach! I wept like a baby in Katy's arms, reliving emotions of trauma still forgotten. Katy just heldme and prayed for me, and told the Lord that she didn't know what to do.

Suddenly I 'saw' myself, as a little girl in the passageway of my granny's house. It was darkand someone was walking towards me. I felt so afraid, I found myself burying my headunderKaty's arm, and my heart was pounding furiously. The fear intensified as he came closer, andI buried my head deeper and clung to Katy. Then Katy softly said, "Glyn, I believe that if youlook up, you will see. " But I was terrified and cried out, "No!" At once, the vision disappeared. I didn't want to speak about what I was experiencing; I just sat quietly on the bed, andtherewas this one thought racing across the screen of my mind: "Where's my mommy,where's mymommy, I want my mommy." I felt like an abandoned child, unseen and unheard. ImmediatelyI felt guilty about my thoughts, as I have a very good mommy, one who was always thereforus.

My friend, who sat quietly opposite me, started to cry, and what she said freaked me out, because I hadn't verbalized my internal conflict! She said, " Glynis, I sense that as a child, youfelt deeply disappointed by your mother, and that you need to forgive her." I was sotakenaback and promptly asked her to leave me alone .She left the room and I said to God, "Daddy, I'm very scared. Everytime I want to think back, to try and remember, there's this tight ball of hair in my tummy and I feel nauseous. God, I don't want to go through this alone. Please, I'll go and see the counsellor, but could Avery go with me please? I cried out desperately totheLord. Immediately, there was this deep sense of 'knowing' that this would not be allowed, that this was my "Via Dolorosa " that I had to travel alone, trusting only the One whois Faithful Always, to bring me safely to the end of the road, my Pappa God. I fell into a deep, peaceful sleep.

When I woke up, it was already time for the evening service. Ryno had arranged withmyfiancé to pick me up after the service. He put on some music and the lyrics of one songcaught my attention. It was about the angel who came once a year, to stir up the waters of the Pool of Bethesda. Whoever stepped into the waters after the stirring, was made whole. The end of the song went like this :' I could turn a deaf ear and turn away or I couldget intothe troubled waters of my conscience and my soul and I could be made whole. Well, after what had occurred that day, the waters of my soul was definitely troubled, and the angel of the Lord had caused a stirring but I was too scared to step into the waters of my soul, soI turned a deaf ear and walked away.

Chapter 5

Psalm 34:18-

" The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"

Monday morning I woke up a bit confused. I must've been dreaming because I thought I heard the pitter patter of little feet running away, and tears were streaming down thesidesof my face. My sister, who was sleeping in the bunk above, looked down and asked, "Doyouwant to know what Amanda said last night? " I replied that I didn't want to knowanything, the events of Sunday still fresh in my mind. But Avery, being true to herself, told me anyway. She told me that Amanda had spoken on how the hidden 'thing', although we didn't askfor itto happen, gave the enemy legal rights over us. She said that these events that were blockedout, were almost as if it were frozen in time periods and that God wanted to make us whole. She went on to explain how, even though you couldn't remember the incidents, your 'heart' remembered and that you acted out of those emotions - like anger, fear or resentment. When something triggers the memory that's unknown to you, your heart could start topound as it 'remembered' even though you have no recollection of it. The things she spokeabout sounded a lot like what I had experienced the previous day. I politely asked Averytokeep any further information away from me as I had decided to go on with my life without the uncertainties, fears, doubts and emotional upheavals.

It was not to be though. One Sunday, early in May, two of our friends fromchurch, paidusavisit. They wanted our help with the homework from Amanda's Course Workbook. I onlyagreed because it seemed like a 'safe' subject that wouldn't trigger anything. We got startedand halfway through Avery begins to tell them how the course material was affectingme. I gave her a warning look but she just carried on and told me very nonchalantly to pleasejust deal with my past. I got angry and before I could stop myself I asked her, "howold wereyouwhen you saw something happen and ran away?" I realised that the question was fromthedream I had the previous Monday. I was completely shocked at Avery's response. Shethrewher pen at me, swore (and she never swears), and turned ber back on us, seemingly goingtosleep. I decided not to bother her and we left the room and our friends chose to gohome.

The next morning, as I was busy sweeping the lounge floor, she called out fromthe room, "Do you want to know what age I was ?" and before I could respond she says , "3 ". My heart raced so fast that I had to lean against the broom, and I knew in my heart that it was true. That would make me 4 years of age when that 'bad' thing happened ! I still had no memorybut just a deep sense of 'knowing'. At this stage, only Avery knew what was happeningandjudging from her weird response to my question I felt that she might have witnessedsomething, but was afraid to know.

I decided to stay away from church for a while, and that I would just attend the Wednesdayevening home cell meetings. I struggled during the meetings as I felt very vulnerable, andhad to fight off an intense desire to cry whenever the leader spoke about God's love andHis

desire to heal and make us whole. I refrained from sharing and showing any emotions, because I was scared that it would lead to an outburst that my fellow home cell memberswouldn't understand, and quite frankly, I thought they wouldn't know what to do withme.

At home, I was still spending time with Jesus, but it felt like I was in a 'desert' place. Myheartfelt barren and dry, and these times seemed empty and meaningless. I felt "cut-off" fromGod, and I knew it was because of my disobedience. I tried to explain it away - "Surely Goddidn't want me to go back to the 'actual' event and relive it?" - "Certainly He was big enoughtojustwipe out my past and heal me?"

The rest of May, passed quietly as I never contacted a counsellor nor allowed myself totalkabout the 'awakenings' of my soul. I could almost make myself believe, that I could goonwith my life, without having to know what happened in my childhood, that I could just askmy Heavenly Pappa to 'unplug' my emotional tank and fill it with His Love. However, I knewthat what Pappa God really wanted for me, was to reach a place where I could trust Him, where I would feel safe enough to 'go back' to the past, to relive it, and to experienceHisLove wash over me, healing me, and making me whole again.

I longed for the intimacy I once shared with my Pappa God; I felt so empty, lost, and'left out in the cold', and one day I just broke down and poured my heart out to the Lord. I repentedof my disobedience, my fears, doubts, and distrust in Him. I told Him that I did not havethefaith to revisit my past, but that I was willing now to put my little hand in His loving, securehand, and that I believed that He would give me the faith to want what He wanted, sothat not just I would be healed, but that the multitudes who would hear my testimony, wouldbeset free by His Love and live the abundant life that Jesus intended for us to live.

I felt His Love fold over me like a warm blanket, and He held me close and renewedmymindwith His Word, and gave me a different point of view to meditate upon. I thought about howawesome it was that God gave us the capacity to actually 'block out' traumatic events, that were too awful for us to deal with, as a means of survival. He reminded me of the processI went through, before I came to the place of accepting that 'speaking in tongues', was agift from Him that enabled me to edify myself in my most holy faith.(1 Corinthians 14:4). I hadlonged to speak in tongues, but I grew up in a church where I was taught that tongues werespoken to edify the Body of Christ as a whole, and so because of a 'lack of knowledge', I couldn't receive this gift. He reminded me how, as I Iistened to the Word of God about thisgift, I was brought to that wide, spacious place, where I finally opened my mouth, andoh, thejoy that filled my soul, when those foreign words came spilling over my lips. It felt likeadamwall came crashing down, and living waters rushed through me and flowed out of my mouth. I felt so overwhelmed by how easily the words were flowing, when for several months, I hadtried to speak in tongues unsuccessfully. But in that moment, it was bubbling forth likeabrook; it had been inside of me all along! This is how my past felt, and I realized that it wouldnot be by might, nor by power, but by the Spirit of the Living God, that I would retrievemymemories.

Chapter 6

We are standing on Holy Ground.

The days passed by and I was happy to be reconnected with my heavenly Pappa, but I longed for fellowship with the saints, and the Presence of God within that space. Averyinvited me to join her and 3 girlfriends, they would occassionally get together in God's Presence, and she told me how tangible His Presence felt. I decided to go, as this was thelonging of my heart. They got together on the Saturday, and they were happy to see eachother, catching up on what God was doing in their lives. The afternoon wore on, andstill theyshowed no signs of worshipping God, and I didn't have the liberty to interrupt them. At 11pmwe moved to a smaller room. Chrissy was on the verge of leaving and suggested that weshould 'end' the night with a prayer. My heart sank because this wasn't what I came for! Andwhen she was done Avery felt led to sing "We are standing on Holy Ground ". I hadsungthissong many times before as it was one of my favourite 'heart songs' to God. That night it became a 'much cherished' song, as God used it as a tool to draw me close enough toHim, enabling me to trust Him to a place where 'even angels feared to tread'.

We sang the song a second time around, our eyes closed, as we pressed into God. Then, when we sang the line "and I know that there are angels all around", I felt this awful senseof dread coming upon me, like there were eyes watching me. The room we were in, hadapatiodoor running the length of it, and above the bed that Avery and I were seated on, was along, narrow window.The fear intensified, my heart was beating loudly, and I found myself peepingthrough my fingers to see who was watching me. I felt ridiculous at the same time, becausehere I was, a 28- year- old- grown woman, with a group of worshipping women, andI waslooking to see who was watching me!! My heart was pounding in my throat, and for asplit second, I saw in my minds' eye, little men standing outside the patio door; they were all looking at me, pointing, and laughing at me. It felt like they were coming for me, andnooneelse in that room could see them! I felt like I was out of my mind with fear, and suddenlyit was as if they were at the window above me, and the next minute I screamed with fear andgrabbed onto Avery. My eyes were closed, and I saw myself as a child; I was in pain, andI was moaning, "Eina, eina, Avery, it's eina."I was fully aware of the excruciating pain inthelower half of my body, and I was rubbing my legs together in a futile attempt to get ridof the pain. Then I heard Avery shout, "No!" And everything stopped. I was crying as if myheart would break, and Grace held me in her arms. I was aware of Caroline and Chrissy praying, Avery looked as if she was asleep and Grace was busy singing the song softly over me. Asshe continued to sing, a feeling of security and safety came upon me, like a blanket, andwhen she sang the line, "and I know that there are angels all around", God had completelydisspelled the intense fear with His powerful and all-encompassing Love. In that instant, I knew the reality of the verse that says, " Perfect Love cast out all fear".

I knew that nothing else would happen that night, for God had accomplished His will. Hehad placed trust and faith in my heart, the very tools I needed, to follow Himon the ancient pathways. Avery and I spent the night at Grace's place, and the next day I decided togotochurch that evening, for Amanda's session.That afternoon, my mom came to visit Grace, andwhen Avery asked her, "What happened at that house when we were little, Mommy?" Our mom just looked at Avery and said, " You don't want to know; there were terrible happenings, just leave it alone." I felt relieved because I didn't want my mommy to know what was goingon.

That evening, we arrived at the evening service a bit late; the praise and worship sessionhadalready ended, and Amanda was about to begin with her teaching. Since I hadn't beentochurch for a few weeks, I had no clue what her topic would be. I sat down, my fiancé, Ivan, sitting on one side, and my friend, Roslind, seated on the other side. Amanda came ontothestage, and her opening words made my blood run cold! She said, "Tonight, I'mspeakingonsomething that has a special place in God's heart." It felt like she was looking straight intomyeyes when she continued, saying, "This topic is so deep, I don't have a title for it; it's likeSTANDING ON HOLY GROUND!!!" My heart leapt into my throat; it felt like the roomwas closing in on me. I wanted to jump up and run out of the service because I knewexactlywhatshe was going to talk about!

Chapter 7

" If only I could touch the hem of your garment"

Amanda first took time to address the intercessors and counsellors, telling themthat what was about to transpire was so profound that when the Holy Spirit came to heal specificpeople, they wouldn't understand the gravity of what He was doing. She explainedthat theirwounds were so deep that only the Holy Spirit was equipped to deal with them. She cautioned them to just step aside, pray for that person, and not disturb the workings of theHoly Spirit. I knew that this was no coincidence; I was set up by my heavenly Pappa, whoknew that it was the appointed time. It felt like He had prepared me in the past fewweeks, when I had deliberately stayed away from church. I had worked through all of the emotionsthat were triggered by memories, until He finally brought me to this place, where I couldtrust Him to lead me to that place of devastation. It was time for me to step into the troubledwaters of my soul, so that God could make me whole again. I sat glued to my seat, listeningto her, unable to escape the fear that once again, gripped my heart. Then Amanda stoppedand said, " some of you are so scared, you just feel like running out of this place, but don't fear, God is in this place and tonight, He wants to heal you." This happened quite a fewtimesthroughout the service, at just the right time. I felt the peace of God envelop me, eventhough my heart continued to pound, I listened to her teaching. She explained what happened to an adult who was a victim of rape and molestation in their childhood.

She described how the person suffered from feelings of guilt, condemnation and shame; howthey're unable to look at their bodies as it had become a source of shame. You're unabletobuild a relationship with your father, especially if he was the abuser, or sometimes you'rejustunable to connect because the perpetrator was male and it caused you to distrust males, and vice versa if it was a female who abused you. She described how, later in life, youcouldbecome either very promiscuous as a spirit of lust gained entrance into your life throughtherape, or you become sexually frigid and afraid of men. The feelings of shame couldbesostrong that you're unable to have a normal marriage relationship.

Even though I identified with most of the symptoms, I felt a strange sense of relief andsafety, in knowing that I wasn't the only one to whom something terrible had happened, yet hadnorecollection of it. I listened to Amanda's testimonies of the people she had counselled, peoplewho grew up without a clue of what happened in their past, and how the Holy Spirit gentlytook them back to that place of 'devastation', took the pain out of the trauma, andhealedand restored them completely. For the first time, I had the confidence to to ask Godtogiveme the memories of my early childhood.

At the end of her session, Amanda asked the intercessors to start praying, then askedfor those who wanted ministry, to step forward. I didn't feel the need to go forward for prayer, as I was already experiencing God's amazing Presence. In my mind's 'eye', I sawthe woman

with the issue of blood, pushing her way forward through the crowd, to touch the hemof Jesus' garment because she knew that she would be healed.

I whispered to Jesus, "You were both there, in the same space, and she could physicallytouch You, but how do I, Glynis, actually touch You Lord?" Instantly, I heard blind Bartimaeuscrying out; "Jesus, son of David, heal me!" I found myself repeating his cries, with a senseof desperation and hope, and as I did, something stirred within my spirit. Something deepinside of me arose, as I began to cry out more intensely," Jesus, son of David, heal me!" I knew, by the sound of the intensity of my cries, that it was no longer I, but the Holy Spirit, who had stepped in, to assist me in reaching out to Jesus. Every time I cried out thosewords, I had this very real sense, of pushing through a crowd, getting closer to my Jesus. Closer andcloser I moved towards Him, and just as I was about to touch Jesus, I was rudely interrupted. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I heard a female voice say, "Jesus, whatever it is, takeit away from her, in the Name of Jesus."I opened my eyes and looked at her incredulously, theintercessor who had dared to interrupt something so sacred! She just looked at me andsaid, "If you want counselling, you could contact the church offices tomorrow, is that okay?" "No, that would not be okay," I answered angrily."I didn't call you, didn't you hear me callingout to Jesus?" She actually took offence, told me that I had better open up and speak tosomebody about my problems, and walked away. My heart was shattered! I had beensoclose to touching Jesus! felt like a child, who was about to receive something precious, but was robbed of it!

I felt angry and hurt, and began to weep. I turned to my friend, Roslind and cried, "I didn't call her, I called Jesus, Rosie. I called Jesus and He was coming to me Rosie, He was comingand I was about to touch Him. Didn't she hear Amanda say to the intercessors that theywouldn't understand, that they should just step aside and cover us in prayer? Who gaveher the right to touch me?" I wept bitterly on my friend's shoulder, feeling a deep, dark voidinside of me. I felt like Jesus had left and that I would never again, get the opportunitytotouch Him. As I left the auditorium that night, I turned around at the door, and longinglylooked back at the altar. Somehow I had this expectancy that Jesus would be sittingtheresaying, " Come to me Glynny?" But of course, He wasn't there, and I left the church withadeep sense of desolation.

Chapter 8

Luke 15:8

"Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Doesn't she light a lamp, sweepthehouse and search carefully until she finds it?"

The incident at church left me disillusioned. I felt like Jesus had come and gone, andI hadmissed Him. I didn't want to continue on my journey to the past. In retrospect, I realizedthat God allowed that to happen, because He knew how much I could bear. It was a matter of Hisperfect timing, and it was clear that it was not yet time for that revelation. I had toomuchemotional baggage to work through, before I could reach that place of remembrance. At that stage of my life, I was caught up with my wedding arrangements.There was so muchtodo, and I believe God allowed me to break away from the ' heavy ' stuff for a season.

Ivan and I had been in a relationship for 4 and a half years, and I thought that marriagewasjust the next step in our relationship. But nothing could have prepared me for the adjustmentof living with another human being who grew up differently from me, who had different waysof doing things, different perspectives, etc. Unfortunately, both of us had the habit of withdrawing when we needed to confront things, and this led to huge misunderstandings.

The past reared it's ugly head. I asked God why I had to go through this turmoil, andclearlythe answer came back, "I'm going to use your story, Glynis, as a testimony of My all- encompassing love, so that others can be helped and released from their mental prisons." I then decided that it was time for me to see a counsellor.I was hesitant to see someoneat thechurch because of my bad expeiences, and I asked my Pappa God to please direct someonetrustworthy across my path, and being the faithful Papa that He is, He did just that. Shecame in the person of Priscilla, a beautiful, spirited woman. I spoke to her very openly about my experiences and specifically told her that I had a problem with masturbation; that it started in my late teen years. I thought it would stop when I was married, and it didfor awhile, but it had returned. I had never spoken to anyone about it as I felt too ashamedandguilty, and it was definitelty influencing my relationship with God and my husband.

Priscilla explained to me that there were always root causes for behavioural problems, andthat even in my case, it was a manifestation of something deeper. She said that it was useless to pray and treat the symptoms if the root of the problem remained. We neededtoget to the root of the problem so that God could destroy it once and for all. She gavemetwobooks to read and work through, which were written by Fred and Florence Littauer.

I started with the book, "Freeing Your Mind from Memories that Bind". In this book, theauthors show how painful childhood experiences had a long-term impact on our lives. I readso many stories of people like myself who had pressed down the memories so deepthat theycoudn't remember.

I read how the Holy Spirit helped many people to retrieve their memories and howtheywerehealed from the scars of the past. This was so amazing!

At last, I could see the 'light' at the end of this long, dark,depressing tunnel! Some Christiansthink, and a few told me, that it's unnecessary to remember the past, that ' in Christ, you'reanew creation and the old has passed away.' After all the teachings from God's Wordandfrom my own experiences, however, I knew that one's past definitely plays a role in thepresent and influences one's future as well.The beautiful scripture that Fred Littauer usedtoillustrate the neccessity to retrieve lost memories, is found in John 15:8. He says that if that woman went to such lengths to sweep her whole house clean to retrieve that coin, howmuch more willing should I be to allow the Holy Spirit to sweep my 'house' clean andretrievethe memories of the 'lost' years of my early childhood. There's a self-help section at theendof each chapter, and as I worked through the material, the Holy Spirit came alongsideme, helping me to remember painful incidents, and He was faithful to touch me in the deepcrevices of my soul, healing and putting me back together again, slowly and steadily. It seemed like small things that had caused big dents in a little girl's personality. My relationship with Holy Spirit grew deeper and deeper, as memories were retrieved anddealt with. I trusted my heavenly Pappa more and more as He gently led me down the pathof destruction, of my early childhood.

Another beautiful reference from the Bible that Fred Littauer used in his book was fromMatthew 13:24-30. It was the story of the man who sowed good seed in his field, but whileeveryone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, the weeds also appeared. When the servantsreported this to the man, he immediately knew it was the enemy who did this. His servantsasked him whether he wanted them to pull the weeds up; he answered with so muchwisdom, " No," he said, "because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat withthem." And personally, verse 30 is the gold nugget in this story. He says, "Let both growtogether until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: 'First collect the weeds andtie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.'

Fred Littauer used this passage of scripture to illustrate how, when a child is born, theenemycomes and sows weed through painful experiences; how God, in His Infinite Mercy, gives thatchild the ability to bury it away deeply, in order to survive the ordeal and growup. Then, when He knows we are mature enough, He comes and He plucks out the weed andburnsit. This knowledge, to me, was so awesome and precious! To think that my Pappa Godlovesusso much that He builds into a child a defence mechanism so powerful! I wept as His loveflowed into my broken, dry places and, like the soothing Balm of Gilead, I could feel howHewas drawing me deeper and closer to Himself. I marvelled at His Loving-kindness andrevelled in the magnificent realization that truly, God Is yesterday, today and forever!

It was as if my heavenly Pappa was taking the hand of this frightened child, leadingmetoaplace where I could trust Him enough to know that whatever it was that was hidinginmypast didn't have the ability to destroy me.

Slowly and surely, things were falling into place like a giant jigsaw puzzle. The Holy Spirit took me to Psalms 139, reminding me of how God wove us together so intricately andmindfully; "fearfully and wonderfully made." I remembered how Amanda used this versetoportray our souls to be like a woven tapestry with strands as delicate as that of a spider'sweb. When the enemy sows destruction, it's as if someone throws a brick into the spider'sweb, and the web becomes undone; there's a gaping hole and the strands are left danglingbeyond repair. However, the One who "created my innermost being; who knit me together inmy mother's womb", He comes, and ever so tenderly, He lifts the dangling strands onebyone, and carefully weaves them together with a stronger yarn, one made of His resurrectionpower, and a yarn that has overcome even the power of death! This, too, was another treasured reminder of God's loving kindness and His heart, filled to overflowing withthepassion of His love, intentionally directed towards the pinnacle of His creation, us - humankind. During this time, the impression became even stronger that whatever hadoccurred in my past had something to do with my dad. I use the word impression becauseI still had no recollection of what happened.

Chapter 9

The nightmares begin.

One morning during my 'quiet time' with God, I told Him that I was feeling scared tocontinuethe 'search'. Out of the blue a question popped into my mind, "Why? Why are you scaredtocontinue?" Immediately my heart raced when the answer appeared on the screen of mymind.

"I'm scared to have nightmares again." Again? Why did I think that I would have nightmaresagain? Did I have nightmares as a child? I was too afraid to ask my mom as I didn't want her to know about my 'undoing'. I told God that I would trust Him and that very night, thenightmares began! One person that continued to haunt me in my dreams, was of a womanthat I loved very much as a child and I couldn't understand why she was so horrible inmydreams. I would wake up from my dreams sobbing loudly like a child, with my heart beatingwildly in my chest, and feeling scared to death. Thank God my husband was so understanding and gentle with me. He just held me until my heartbeat returned to normal. He was patient with me when I tried to explain that I wasn't afraid of something physical, butthis fear was something inside of me.

I continued to read and work through Fred Littauer's book, and in the following chaptersheencouraged the reader to write down their dreams as it was all part of the 'uncovering' process. I believed that God gave a lot of my memories back through the dreams I had. Heknew exactly how He made me, how much I could handle, and He gently led me back tothepast. He knew that I was not yet at a place where I could face ugly truths head-on, sothrough the dreams, I could digest it in bits and pieces until such a time where I wouldbestrong enough to face the full horror of the truth. I knew that I wasn't ready yet, sinceall thedreams would end abruptly, just before something was about to happen.

I had a few dreams that stood out, and they're still quite vivid in my mind. In these dreams, I see myself as a child, but I'm also observing the scene as an adult. It's a strange perspective, but it's mine. In one dream, I'm 5 years old, and I'm in a neighbour's house, watchin TV. AsI watch, I think to myself, "Oh my gosh, I'm watching a pornographic movie!" It's bizarre, because at that age, I had no idea what I was watching and my family didn't even haveaTVuntil I was much older. Suddenly, someone calls me, and I get up to go into a bedroom. Theroom is dark, except for a faint light from a bedside lamp. A man is sitting up in bed, against a headboard covered in purple dralon fabric. I remember thinking,"So that's why I hatefabric-covered headboards and the colour purple." The man tells me to come to him, to get ontothe bed. As the observer, I found myself panic-stricken, thinking, "No" , and the dreamends.

The grace of God toward me was on magnificent display, even in my dreams, becausewhenever I found myself in a place (in my dreams) that made me feel scared, I couldjust think, " I don't want to go in there" or "I don't want to see," and the dreamwould end. That'sthe amazing magnitude of the love of our heavenly God, so infinitely loving towards us.

I can't adequately emphasize how absolutely gentle Pappa God worked with me.

Chapter 10

The Rejection Monster.

We were married for 5 months when I fell pregnant. As the dreams caused a lot of turmoil and emotional upheaval, I was concerned that it would be detrimental to the baby's development. I sought Priscilla's advice. She listened to my concerns, prayed for me andfor the protection of my unborn baby. She then asked God to usher in a time of rest until suchatime that would be fitting for me to continue my journey.

I was 7 months pregnant when we moved to a new house. In my mind, I was extremelyhuge, and I felt fat and ugly. I was very emotional; my self-esteem was very low, and I was battlingwith self-pity. I started to compare myself with other women, and then I began to accusemyhusband of looking at other women, even though I had no reason to doubt his fidelity. I couldn't stop myself, and I would find myself shouting accusations at him. This is whereGodstepped in.

One morning, as my husband was about to go to work, I went into an accusation 'attack' against him, but this time, he refused to respond to me and just left the house. I was furiousand shocked because this was not his usual reaction. Normally, he would hold me andaffirmhis love for me until I calmed down. I sat down on the couch feeling totally dismayedandrejected, and feeling very sorry for myself. I didn't want to speak to God because I knewthat He would show me the 'ugly' in my heart and attitude. Dwelling on what had just transpiredmade me feel even more despondent. Eventually, I decided to pick up the devotional fromthe table, it was called 'Our Daily Bread.' I paged to that specific day in September, andboy, did God give it to me! It was titled "Despondent," and it read something to this effect: "'Youare feeling this way because you thought yourself into this state. You have allowedyour mind to dwell on the negative, and now you're feeling despondent." Well, God really nippedmy pity-party in the bud, and I started praising Him, for the great Deliverer that He is, for once again, He had delivered me from my own destructive thought patterns.

As I flipped the devotional over, I was taken aback to see it was a 1989 edition-the sametime I'd been pregnant with my daughter, Melody, 10 years prior. It was then that Godrevealed an unresolved painful chapter: my first boyfriend had left me, leaving me rejectedand hurt. I'd been an introvert, isolating myself from family, and stuck in the pain. But inthat moment, clarity washed over me. I saw how God takes the enemy's twisted intentions andturns them around, working them for our good - for those who love Him. The Wordof Godwas so alive! It was as if God was allowing me to relive those feelings, but this time, I was stronger, with a loving husband who supported me. I couldn't wait for Ivan to come home. I shared everything with him, asking forgiveness for my earlier outbursts. Together, weunpacked the insights God had revealed, and I felt another layer of healing, though I knewthe journey was far from over.

A few days later, another incident shook our home. I was trying to help Melody withher Mathbut it seemed like she didn't understand. Frustration boiled over, and I threwher bookonthefloor. As she knelt to pick it up, our eyes met, and I saw tears welling up in hers. I felt awful, but beneath the guilt, a confusing anger and resentment brewed. Why was I feelingthis way?

Ivan stepped in, took Melody to her room, and spoke comforting words to her. I heardhimpraying, and it hit me - I was that little girl, crying out for comfort, too. "God, why doI feel soconflicted? Why am I angry at Ivan for comforting Melody and not me?" I poured out myheart to God, seeking answers.

In that moment, God's Presence enveloped me. He showed me my own childhood struggles, the lack of help with homework, and the feeling of rejection when I didn't understand. Melody's struggles triggered those old feelings, and I was reliving them, resentful that she'seemingly' didn't appreciate my help.

I asked God to help me make things right. Later I called Melody to my room, sharedwhat God had shown me, and apologized for my behaviour. I asked for her forgiveness andexplained how the enemy uses situations to destroy relationships. "How did you feel whenI threw your book?" I asked, bracing myself for her answer. Her voice was barely aboveawhisper, when she replied, "Mommy, there was a voice saying, 'Maybe she doesn't evenlikeyou'." My heart broke. I hugged her tight, assuring her of my love. Together, we prayed. I thanked God for the insight and for giving me the humility to seek forgiveness. This incident, meant to sow discord, became a bridge that brought us closer.

Chapter 11

Afraid, yet pressing on.

I was 8 months pregnant when my mom and her friend, Aunty Gwen, came to visit. IvanandI had argued that morning, probably over something silly, as I was an emotional wreck, thanksto the last trimester rollercoaster. I was crying when they arrived, and Aunty Gwen wantedtoleave, but I insisted they stay for lunch. Little did I know, God had a plan for that afternoon.

Only a handful of people knew about my past- Ivan, my two sisters, Avery and Charlene, andtwo friends. I hadn't told my mom, thinking it would be too much for her to handle. She's always been protective of us, and I didn't want to burden her. Maybe I was also afraidshewouldn't believe. My dad passed away when I was 14, and she had raised 8 kids alone, withages ranging from 2-18. I admired her strength, which came from her faith in God, andI didn't want to add to her struggles.

But the Holy Spirit had other plans. I found myself sharing the incident with Melody, andmymom jumped to conclusions, saying that Melody was unhappy living with us. I triedexplaining how I felt helpless helping Melody with her homework, saying, "Maybe therewasno one to help me when I was little because there were 5 of us, and my parents couldn't giveus individual attention."

My mom's defense mechanism kicked in, "We were always there! Especially for you; your daddy loved you dearly; we were over-protective of you!" But I pushed back, "Why? Whywere you so protective? Did something happen to me?" Tears streamed down my faceasI turned to Aunty Gwen, "Something happened to me as a child." I shared my struggles, themovies I couldn't watch and how the revealed memories, were pointing to a dark past.

I expected my mom to be defensive, but her reaction shocked me. She jumped up, wrappedher arms around me, and asked, "Who did it? Who did it? Her panic sparked alarmbells inmymind. I was filled with apprehension at her response, as it felt like a stark confirmationthat something bad had indeed happened to me.

I had often wondered if my mommy didn't see the changes in me. Had she not noticedthetransformation from a carefree baby to a fearful child, clinging to her in distress? Babies areborn unafraid, they have no sense of danger, they would pick up a spider and put it intheir mouth, if you didn't stop them. Didn't she see the changes in her 4 year old little girl? Memories flooded my mind of my cousins' words, they told me that nobody wantedtoplaywith me because I was so afraid of everything. They said I always cried and clung tomymommost of the time. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to voice these questions , fearing that theywould be perceived as accusations, implying that she had failed to protect me. My momwasalways fiercely protective of us, and to express my feelings would be to imply that shehadfailed to shield me from harm.

And so I remained silent, even as I sat in our lounge, my mom holding and comfortingmeand wanting to know what had happened. I shared with them a little of what had unfoldedinmy life since Amanda had been to our church. Both of them tried to dissuade me frompersuing the past, telling me that it would break me down and hold me back. They saidthat I would not be able to go on with my life if I had to live with the memories.

However, with renewed confidence in the love of my heavenly Pappa, I firmly told themthat I wasn't putting my life on hold, nagging God for the information. I told themthat He hadbrought me to a place in my life where I was completely surrendered to His will for my life. He had chosen this path for me and I was confident that He would walk right alongsideme, to guide and to keep me. I knew that He would show me the truth when I was ready for it. They were not too happy with my response but I believe that my confidence in God, put them at ease.

The ensuing weeks were uneventful and on December 3,1999, our beautiful baby boy wasborn. Ivan was overjoyed, beaming with pride at our son, while Melody was brimmingwithwonder and excitement for her cute little brother. I was kept quite busy with my newbundleof joy, and the emotional turmoil subsided for a while. Prior to our son's birth, we hadjoineda new home cell group in our area. One day, the leader's wife visited me, and I felt ledtoshare a few experiences with her. She asked if she could take me to see 2 counsellors, andI agreed. However, afterwards, I felt the timing wasn't right, and I just sensed that Godhadsomething else in mind, so I didn't return.

One thing that has stayed with me, though, is the profound words of one of the ladies: "Youknow, Glynis, everytime God touches and heals us in a specific area of our lives, it's as if wegain 'rank' in the spiritual realm. Then, when the Lord has sufficiently healed us, He takes usand fashions us into a powerful weapon, and He uses us to destroy the works of the enemy, in the very same areas where he wrought destruction in our lives." Her words were totallyawesome and mind-boggling to me, and I hung onto them, especially when I felt tooscaredto continue on my journey.

In my mind's' eye, I saw myself as a spear in God's hand, being thrust into that specific areaof devastation, and I saw the enemy running away frantically. I couldn't wait for the daythat I would be ready, so that my Pappa God could be glorified in all of it.

Chapter 12

Oorwinnings Sentrum. ( Victory Centre).

John 8:32

"You shall know the Truth and the Truth shall set you free."

A few weeks after my appointment with the 2 counsellors, I received a call frommy sister, Avery. She had attended a workshop, and an exercise they had done had caused her tobeupset. A colleague had referred her to a place where there were Christian counsellors whowere very equipped, willing and available to help. After her first session she felt very excitedwith the results, and she told me that the counsellors had suggested that our older sister, Charlene, and I join her with the next session. We agreed to go, and so it came about that I visited the 'Oorwinnings Sentrum' for the first of many sessions.

On entering the house (the house was transformed into a Center), I felt a deep sense of peace come over me, as if Jesus Himself was present. Here, I met the most beautiful, sensitive, God-fearing people I had ever come across, who dared to be transparent andhonest about their own lives.The first session was mainly to get our background information. I also had an opportunity to share briefly my encounters after attending Amanda's session. They worked very thoroughly, and one has to be prepared to be totally honest andopen; willing to bring to God's light every dark thing.

The husband and wife team gave us homework to do, and on our return visit, Charlenebecame very nauseous and felt that she didn't want to continue. The teamexplainedthat it was a ploy of the enemy to stop her, as he knew that once things came under the Light of Jesus Christ, we would be set free, and he would lose his hold over us. The nausea left her and we continued the session.The Holy Spirit revealed quite a number of things that evening, and both my sisters' saw my grandpa's face, and the Holy Spirit revealed what he haddoneto them. I only 'saw' my daddy's face but nothing was revealed to me. We were ministeredto, and returned home feeling relieved and a bit lighter.

The three of us contacted my dad's youngest sister, as we felt that because we livedwiththem in our childhood, she would be able to give us more insight. My aunty agreedtomeet with us, and when she held my hand as we opened with a prayer, I could sense her anxietyand nervousness. We shared with her a few things that had been revealed to us, andshetoldus that when she was growing up, children had to be quiet; they were 'seen and not heard', and as the youngest girl in her family, she had no say in what was happening aroundher, and she just had to endure. My heart ached for her because with those few words, my auntyhad actually told me so much!

She decided to join us at the Centre, where we received deep inner healing for some of our painful childhood memories, individually and jointly forgiving and releasing people whohadcaused us pain. One session, in particular, was very precious to me.

We were given homework: we had to answer a questionnaire, looking at a baby pictureof ourselves. I didn't have one so I asked the Holy Spirit to help me answer the questions as if I had one. Unbeknownst to me, Charlene had been given one by my older cousin, andCharlene brought it with her to our next session. Our counsellor was amazed, commentingthat it was as if I had looked at the photo whilst answering the questions, especially theonethat was about the expression in my eyes.

She asked me whether I wanted to discuss something specific, and I said, ''No". She thenturned towards Charlene and began ministering to her. Avery had already left the roomwithanother counsellor to receive ministry. My page, with the photo now attached to it, was lyingon the table, and my attention was drawn to it. It was as if the baby' s eyes held minecaptive, and suddenly I was overwhelmed with a profound sadness and deep compassion for this baby, who was me. Tears started streaming down my cheeks as I continued to stare at her eyes. I was unaware that Rachel and Charlene had stopped and were looking at me. Rachel asked what was wrong, but I was so overcome with emotion that I was unable to articulatemy feelings. Eventually, I said, "It's the strangest thing. Since I can remember, I was alwaysdrawn to the sad or heartbroken cries of a little child, and I always had this overwhelmingurge to scoop them up into my arms and whisper words of comfort to them, until theywerequieted." I felt so stupid sharing these feelings. I just wanted to pick up the baby in thephotoand hold her close and comfort her, which felt 'crazy', since that baby was me, and I was grown up! Rachel prayed for me and asked God to give me peace, and of course, faithful Pappa God that He is, I felt His comforting Presence soothing my heart.

The night before the next counselling appointment, I asked God that it would be the last session and that He should do what He wanted to do. I fell asleep and had a dreamthat felt so real! I was asleep in my bed at my mom's house.There was a chair in front of my bedandI was afraid to look at it. Then an innervoice told me not to be scared anymore, so I looked. Abig doll was seated on the chair, the one I used to be afraid of as a child, and I wonderedwhy I had been afraid of it. Then I saw a little girl of about 4 years of age, and she was crying, that kind of sad, heartbroken cry of an uncomforted child. As I continued to look at her, sheturned towards me, and I realized with a shock that it was me! I called to her, "Come here, sweetie," she came to me, and I picked her up and held her close to me. She nestledher littlehead in my neck and held me so tight; it was such a tender, precious moment. I whisperedwords of comfort as I patted her back and stroked her hair until she was quieted. I wokeup, my cheeks were wet with tears, and I was amazed by the awesome miracle that hadjust occurred.

God, in His Immense kindness and mercy, had seen my heart's longing and had arrangedtheimpossible to become a reality! I was able to hold 'little' Glynis and comfort her! Oh, myGod, my God! Who am I that You are so mindful of me? I wept tears of gratitude and thankedmyPappa God for His precious, loving kindness. If I had a billion words and spoke in a thousandtongues, I wouldn't be able to thank God enough for His tender mercies.

Naturally, I went to the counselling session filled with hope that it would indeed be thelast session, since I felt that I had experienced a major breakthrough. I shared my encounter withRachel, and we both marvelled at God's great power to reach into the past to heal us. Towards the end of the session, she said that she sensed that God still wanted to dosomething for me. She said she still sensed a deep rooted rejection in me and that weshouldask the Holy Spirit to reveal it to us. I closed my eyes and 'found' myself in the roomat mygranny's house. I was sitting up between my sleeping parents, crying. I saw myself tuggingatmy mom, but she gently pushed me aside. I turned to awaken my daddy, but he didn't evenstir. Then I saw myself lifting my bum to lean over my mom, and I saw the little baby fast asleep at her side. It was Avery, who was born when I was a baby myself, at one year andtwo weeks. Even at that tender age, I understood that my parents were tired and that I shouldn't bother them unnecessarily. I saw myself become quiet, wipe my tears withmytinyhands, and go back to sleep.

I opened my eyes, thinking I had imagined it all, and that it wasn't worth mentioningwhenRachel asked if anyone had an encounter. We got up to leave the room, and as Rachel wasabout to turn the door knob, she turned towards me and said," Glynis, God says that ever since you were a baby, you were looking for a place of belonging and acceptance," andHeissaying, 'You can stop looking now because I accept you, and your place of belongingis inside of Me!' Once again, I was astounded and bowled over by Pappa God's perfect lovetowards His children - that He would go to such great lengths to restore His Image inus.

Rachel led us to to a mirror and instructed us to gaze into it, affirming that we are acceptedand loved by God. When it was my turn, I hesitated, unable to meet my own gaze, let alonerepeat the affirmations. Rachel reminded me of my breakthrough and the fact that I hadasked God to make this session the last one. She encouraged me to resist the enemy's attempts to steal my freedom, saying," Look into the mirror, see the beautiful girl staringback, and tell her she's loved, accepted, and beautiful."

As I stood there, an inner dialogue began to unfold. A voice whispered, "If God truly lovesyou, why did He let you be hurt?" But then a gentle, loving voice responded, "Glynis, I don't control humanity; I've given them free will. I won't override their choices, but I will redeemthem."

With newfound determination, I lifted my head, locked eyes with my reflection, andspokethe affirmations. As I did, God's Presence filled the room, and I heard myself saying, "Lord, You were there when I was hurt by those You entrusted me to. You didn't intervene, not

because You didn't care, but because You respect the free will You gave them.

I'm giving You my pain now, and I trust You're making something beautiful out of my ashes, even if I can't see it yet."

Tears streamed down my face as God's love embraced me, healing my brokenness. That marked the triumphant end of our time at the Counselling Center, though we were invitedtoreturn if needed.

Chapter 13

"Fill my cup Lord, I lift it up Lord, come and quench this thirsting of my soul. Bread of Heaven feed me till I want no more. Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole."

During the time of attending our counselling sessions at the Victory Centre, it came tomyknowlege that the Goodwood Apostolic Faith Mission, would facillitate a course for Theologos University in Biblical Counselling.The course was designed and presentedbyDr Sarel van der Merwe and his wife, Thiesa. The counsellors spoke highly of this course, especially since the first year was designed to deal with your own personal life. I hadadesireto do this course but due to a lack of finances, I was unable to.

In January 2002, however, I decided to do the course and God provided the finances inawonderful way. I read the mission statement of the institution and it excited me. It said, " We trust that God would heal a broken church so that a healed church can touchabrokenworld." This appealed to me since I wanted to be equipped, to reach out to the brokenhearted, the captives and the imprisoned community of Bellville South. I alsobelievedthat one should deal with one's own 'demons' and be totally surrendered to God, beforeministering to others. If I haven't been comforted by the Comforter, how could I comfort others? If I have not experienced the forgiveness of God, how could I bestowmercy andforgiveness on others.

I attended the first session with great expectations, along with six other woman, at our course facilitators house. I felt a mixture of hope and desperation, as my marriage was suffering badly. At that stage in my life, I didn't want my husband to touch me, andI knewthis was unnatural. We'd been married for only 3 years, and I had a complete absenceof sexual desire and I was reminded by the Word of God: " her desire will be for her husband." Despite my husband's patience, I feared that every person has their limit, and if Goddidn't intervene soon, our marriage would fall apart.

Linda began the evening by asking us to share our expectations, what we hoped Godwoulddo for us through the course. She likened our expectations to an empty cup held uptoFather God, which He would fill with the specific thing we desired. I answered without hesitation, " I want a picture. Something happened to me when I was little, and I believethisis the year God will give me the memories of what happened.

From that first session, God began to dismantle the walls of rejection, doubt, fear, andinsecurity and insecurity that held me captive. Sometimes I felt like I was the only onecrying, but I think it's because I came with a yielded heart, saying, "Lord, whatever You needtodo, whatever You need to remove from my life, please do it."

It was a very emotional time, but also a period of profound revelation, as I realizedtheTruth

of God's Word: "My people perish because of a lack of knowledge." The Word of Godwasrenewing my mind daily, changing old thought patterns. I was being transformed as I dailybound my mind to the mindset of Jesus Christ, seeing myself, God, others, and trials andsituations, from His perspective, not mine. I let go of my old thought patterns and ways, andslowly but surely the lies and illusions dissolved into nothingness as God's Word was literallycarved on my heart.

Working through the first module, it felt like God was tackling my identity challenges, aligning me with His original blueprint, His perfect design for my life.

My perspective on the Trinity, myself, others, and life's situations changed dramatically. I couldn't wait for the second module to begin, feeling it would be the one where Godwouldgive me the memories of my past. This module, 'Emotional Healing', had me in tears andmyheart pounding, as I drew closer to the Truth that would set me free. I looked forwardtotheupcoming Seminar, feeling an unfamiliar confidence and expectancy that God wouldanswermy prayers and not disappoint me.

Chapter 14

Seminar of Truth.

At last the day of the seminar arrived, and the first - year students were seated at thefront of the auditorium. Dr. Sarel van der Merwe took the mic and opened with prayer. Therearetwo words that best describe Dr Sarel for me, and they are: when you look at him, youimmediately see that he carries 'authority', that he knows his place in Christ; and secondly, there was this aura of peace that surrounded him. He lectured the Friday evening andthewhole of Saturday, and it seemed like he could go on forever. His voice was the right mixtureof authority and gentleness, a voice that appealed greatly to my broken spirit.

Friday evening's session set the stage for Saturday's teachings. We were all very awareof thesecond- and third-year students, interceding in the prayer room for the evening of ministrythat lay ahead that Saturday. I listened to the lectures, and my heart was beating rapidlyasI identified with many of the symptoms of someone who had suffered childhood molestationand rape. Then he spoke on people who had suffered such severe trauma as a childthat it was buried deep in their subconscious. He likened it to the 'year circles' on a tree. Thewider circles indicated the 'good' years of the tree, with abundant rainfall, right temperatures, etc. Then there were circles that were so narrow that it seemed almost non-existent, as it fusedwith another circle; this indicated severe drought and lack. He said that sometimes inone'slife, the enemy had sown such severe trauma that those years were buried away sodeeplythat it seemed non-existent.

As I listened to him, I found myself thinking,"I wish my Daddy could've been so peaceful whenI was little." I wondered where the thought came from as tears welled up in my eyes. It wastough, just sitting through the lectures as it triggered so many thoughts and emotions. But I knew that my Pappa God was setting the stage for my miracle.

We had a break for supper, and after that, the time of ministry began. I was wonderingwhichinvitation for ministry I should respond to. I told God, "If Dr Sarel makes an alter call for people who couldn't remember anything, then only will I respond." But after 'struggling' withGod for a while, I surrendered and said, "Lord, I know Your voice. I know when You're talkingto me, so when You do, I'll know and I'll respond."

Immediately, I heard the song, sung by Hillsong, play in my mind:

" I'm so secure , You're here with me.

You'll never go and Your love remains.

So close I believe, You're holding me now;

In Your arms I belong ,You'll never let me go.

All along, You were beside me even when I couldn't tell.

Through the years You showed me more of You.

Repeatedly, I heard the refrains of these lyrics wash over me, calming my quiveringheartbeat. I went to the bathroom, sat down, thanking God for His faithfulness and love, that alwaysdrew me in to the safety of His heart. I went back into the auditorium, filled with a senseof peace and calm. I sat down next to my friend, Grace, and as I settled in and closed my eyes, an awesome silence filled my head, and I 'heard' a heavenly choir sing, "We are standingonHoly Ground."

It was as if I was back in the room, at Grace's place, that night in 1998, only this time I knewthere would be no interruptions. I turned towards Grace, wanting to tell her, "It's my turnnow, I'm about to be wheeled into theatre for an open- heart surgery, " but I heardDr Sarel say," Next, I want all those who were sexually abused in their childhood to come forwardfor ministry." My heart was pounding furiously as I made my way forward. I felt afraid andalone, but I knew that God was with me, as He promised me, in Isaiah 43:2 : " When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

I found myself thinking, "This must've been what Paul was referring to when he saidthat we'need to share in the suffering of Christ'." The road to the cross was a lonely one, but it spokeso loudly of the resurrection power of the Holy Spirit, and I desperately needed to tapintothat power. I was standing in front, hugging myself so tightly that my neck began toache. I heard a voice gently saying, "Let go." I realized that I was holding onto myself, and as I let goof myself, I whispered, " Lord, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was holding onto myself, but I'mletting go because I trust You. Have Your way in my life."

Instantly, two ladies appeared in front of me. They asked if they could pray for me andI nodded. The one asked what they should pray for and I replied that I didn't know. "Wereyouabused?" She asked, and I said, "Yes." They looked at each other, and then one of themsaid, "On, you can't remember, is that it?" I simply nodded my head, and then she prayed, "LordJesus, You were there when it happened. We ask the Holy Spirit to take her back tothat place. I felt confused. "Should I imagine myself in the place I have no memory of, or shouldI actually find myself there in the spirit, and how do I do that?" I didn't know what to do, but sensing my confusion, I heard one of them say, "I rebuke that spirit that is trying to bringconfusion in her mind, and I command you to leave her now, in the Name of Jesus."

Then it happened. From deep within me, the cry of a little girl arose. "Eina, eina." I triedtostop it, but it was overwhelming, and I let go, thinking, "Over to You, Jesus." What I hadfeared was about to happen - manifesting in public - but gentle hands guided me slowlytoasafe space. My legs buckled as intense pain surged through my whole body.The painwasn't physical; but an acute awareness of pain inside me. I was guided to a chair as waves of agony consumed me. Over and over, I heard my 'little self's' anguished cries, "Eina,eina!"

I was in my granny's house, in the dark passageway leading to the lounge, a heavy weight ontop of me, hurting me. I couldn't see who it was. I felt my body convulsing in pain, my legstwisted in an attempt to fight the person off me. I was feeling extremely helpless. Acounselor's voice cut through the chaos, commanding the demon of pain to leave. Instantlyadeep peace flooded my soul, though my body still trembled with trauma.

I was thinking, "Who is this?" And in that moment the 'veil' lifted, and I was looking intotheangry face of a drunk man. The perpetrator was my very own daddy! I heard myself cryingout, " No, no, noooo Daddy! It's eina, please stop Daddyyyy!!!" But my pleas fell on deaf ears, and my mind reeled in horror. It was as if my mind couldn't grasp the fact that my Daddywascausing this unbearable pain!

I gave an anguished cry as the pain climaxed, and I felt my whole body lifting fromthechair as though I was a little rag doll. Now, I was left feeling abandoned and alone, and I heardthelittle girl's pitiful voice as she cried repeatedly, " Mommy, mommy?" I was thinking,"Where'smy Mommy? Why doesn't she come and pick me up and hold me close to her?"

Unknown to me, my facilitator, Linda, had joined the ladies, and she was holding me as I sat there weeping. Throughout the process, these beautiful women of God were beside me, whispering words of comfort and stroking my hair; their compassion was very tangible. Theybrought in a gentleman, Oom Jan, and he asked me if I knew the affection of a father, whether my dad had ever hugged me and said that he loved me. I whispered 'no', andhesaid that he wanted to stand in the gap as a father, and hug me, and say that he loves me. And as he did, I felt God's healing hand reaching deep inside me, as He picked up a fewmorestrands of my broken tapestry and wove it back perfectly. Though I knew there were still fragments to unravel, I felt a sense of completion, as if the bigger picture was slowly cominginto focus.

On my way home, I quietly contemplated what had transpired. I was in complete aweof Jesus Christ! I didn't have words to describe my feelings of wonder and admiration, for aMagnificent God, who would reach down to heal me! I felt so clean and fresh, as if I hadbeenwashed in a fountain. I was amazed that I didn't feel bitter towards my father, but I realizedthe emotions I had experienced the past four years, were almost like a preparation time, where I could deal with the wide scope of raw emotions; like anger, helplessness, fear, rejection, etc. Then, God had brought me to a place where I could see my Daddy throughHiseyes. I had learned some of their childhood experiences from his brother and heardabout the cruel treatment they endured from their father. While this didn't excuse the abuse, it helped me understand that the things done to us, or the things we do to others, open'doors' in the spiritual realm, allowing the enemy access to plunder, kill and destroy us. He filledmewith a deep well of compassion for my Daddy, enabling me to forgive him. I understoodclearly why Jesus had whispered those words, while hanging on the cross: "Forgive themFather for they know not what they do." Because forgiveness had already taken placeinmyheart through the process I had undergone, the memory of the devastation of the actual act

was powerless to destroy or scar me. What an incredibly wise and gentle Father we haveinheaven - truly, there is no one like Him.

Linda dropped me off at home, and I felt relieved that no one was home. I just wantedtospend some intimate time with my heavenly Papa. I longed to sit in His safe, comfortingembrace. I was filled with such an inexplicable joy inside me. I was surprised, as I hadalwaysfeared that once I had the memories of what my dad had done, it would have a devastatingimpact on my mental health in the future. But here I was, feeling so refreshed, 'giddy' withjoy, and totally invigorated. It was as if the exact opposite had occurred.

The Bible says that Jesus carried our sicknesses and infirmities and took upon Himself our transgressions, and my heart was singing with that Truth! I now lived with the memories, butthe Blood of Jesus had removed the pain of the trauma, and the Truth had set me free!! Freeto see my Daddy through the eyes of my Pappa God, who saw my dad's deeply woundedsoul. It was as if I heard 1 Corinthians 15:55 ringing in my ears : " Where, oh death is your sting? Where oh grave is your victory?

The next morning, as I awoke, I dwelled on the previous evening's amazing encounter. I remembered that in Fred Littauer's book, he mentioned that each person that he hadministered to, who had retrieved their memories, had an encounter with Jesus, whereHewould enter that place of hurt and devastation and they would physically feel Himholdingthem until they were healed. I had always looked forward to this specific part of the healingprocess; in fact, it was one of the factors that made me press on towards the end. However, I didn't recall feeling disappointed for not experiencing something similar. So, out of curiosity, I asked the Lord, "Why didn't You come into that place and hold me?"

He answered lovingly, "Glynis, remember when you were sitting in the seminar, wonderingwhen and how you should respond? I gave you that song, "So Close I Believe".' Well, I waswith you when you walked to the altar, and when you were reliving the trauma of thepast. The arms that held you, the hands gently stroking your hair, and the words of comfort spoken to you - That was ME!! See, My darling child, I didn't have to enter that place becauseI was with you all the time." Oh, my God, how Precious to me are Your thoughts about me!! And all those thoughts are beautiful and good! How You love me!!!" I wept tears of joy, andI felt so absolutely treasured and blessed. I cried out: "Oh my God, how great and majesticYouare! Who am I that You're so mindful of me?!" That entire day, it felt like I was wrappedupinGod's Love.

The following morning, I woke up still thinking about God's amazing love when I hadastrange, yet wonderful encounter. I was lying on my bed, not asleep but not fully awakeeither. Opposite me, sitting on a chair facing me, was my daddy. He had the most beautiful smile on his face, and I asked him, "Daddy, why did you do it? Why did you hurt your girls?“ He gave me a sad look and replied , " Glynis, I want you to forget about it. I want youto get on with your life."

Before I could stop myself, I asked," And you, Daddy, did you get over what you didtous?" He looked at me with such great and utter sadness, and my heart filled with compassion. I said, "I want you to forget, Daddy - we are going to be okay. God is going to heal us andhelp us get through it." At that, he gave me a beautiful, serene smile and disappeared.

I got out of bed, washed and dressed myself, and spent time with God. His Presence was sotangible, and I was deeply moved with sorrow for the man who had been my earthly dad. I knew that my dad had received Jesus as His personal Saviour. I remembered howI hadbattled with feelings of unworthiness, and I tried to imagine how he must've felt, standingbefore a Holy God, with the knowledge of what he had done. I hoped with all my heart that he had someone whom he could've trusted enough to have shared his burden of guilt.

But as I cried, Holy Spirit reminded me of what I had heard at one of Amanda's sessions. Shetold us about a woman whose baby was stillborn, and she couldn't get over the loss of her baby, and continued to grieve for many years. Then one day, while being ministeredto, shesaw a vision of heaven, and there were many children playing and running around. Shenoticed one little girl collecting what looked like water in jars. She asked the little girl whyshe wasn't playing with the others and the girl replied that she had to collect the tears of hermommy who was mourning for her, so she wasn't free to play with the others. This visionhelped her to 'release' her child, and she received healing and freedom to live an unfetteredlife.

I recalled my dad's sad face, and I cried out to Pappa God, "Please tell my Daddy to enjoyheaven. Tell him that we're okay, that You will heal and make us whole." I felt the peaceof God descend upon me and I just thanked the Lord for His Unfailing Love.

Chapter 15

Devil, you messed with the wrong one!

After the morning's encounter, I decided to visit my eldest sister,Charlene. As I was walkingto her place, I started praying for the people of Bellville South, especially the childrenwhofall prey to sexual predators. As I prayed, my heart was filled with joy and hope, for what theLord had done for me, because I knew that if my Pappa God had worked so tenderly andpatiently with me, He would do the very same, and more, for little ones, suffering fromtheeffects of sexual abuse. I had always felt a sense of helplessness towards children sufferingfrom this kind of abuse, as I felt that I couldn't do anything for them.

As I crossed an open field, I saw in my mind's eye, a scene from my baby's VeggieTales movie. It was the story of the 'Toy Who Saved Christmas', and the scene was where Santa spots thetwo thieving veggies who had stolen his belt and beard, and he shouts at them, "Youmessedwith the wrong one! I have a list, and your names are on it!" Hope arose within me, andI wassuddenly emboldened to shout out loudly, "You messed with the wrong one, devil! Youstolefrom me, but I've been healed, and God is forging me into a weapon of mass destruction! I am armed and dangerous - for the weapons of my warfare are not from this world, but they're mighty through God (2 Corinthians 10:4). I'm coming for you!"

Another tool that God had given me through the process was Hope. The hope I hadfoundinChrist Jesus was phenomenal, and I felt it rising all the more inside of me. Psalm62:5hadworked it's truth in me. It says, "Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes fromHim." TheNLT version says it so beautifully: "Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hopeisinHim.

I arrived at Charlene's place, and as we sat down, talking over a cup of coffee, she toldmethat our aunt had called her that morning, telling her that she had a dreamabout my daddy(her brother), the night before. She said: " I had a dream of your father, and he askedmetocheck on you girls, to see if you're okay." Those precise words! Coincidence? I think not! Wehave a loving Father in heaven, who steadily and surely works all things together for our good. My eyes welled up with tears at God's tenderness and kindness, and when Charleneasked me why I was crying, I told her about what had transpired over the weekend, especially the encounter with my dad, and my words to God that morning! I could just testifyof God's awesome ways in which He moved, His wonders to perform. A song was resoundingin my heart, the words spilling out of a grateful heart, to a magnificently compassionateGod:

" You've buried my sin in the depths of the sea, Carried my guilt far away; As far as the East is from the West, You removed my transgressions fromme. So I'll tell of Your Mercy, sing of Your grace,

Walk in Your liberty;

And I'll live in the awesome Light of Your Love, 'Cause I know that I am free."

Chapter 16

Menassah and Ephraim.

After the ' Emotional Healing Seminar', I was linked to a counsellor, Linda, who happenedtobe my course facilitator. She is like a mother figure, not just to me, but the other ladies inthegroup as well. We already had a relationship of trust, and this played a huge role in mydecision to see a counsellor.

During my counselling sessions with Linda, who was sometimes accompanied by Elna, adearsister in Christ and fellow counsellor, the gaps in my childhood of pain and trauma werefilling up. The Holy Spirit faithfully and gently led me back on ancient pathways, not just bringing back memories, but healing me deeply and removing the 'sting' of the enemy's destructive works.

During this time, I grew very close to my heavenly Pappa, as the Holy Spirit revealedmoreand more of Who God really is and how He relates to me in my sadness and grief. God, through the Holy Spirit, showed me several other adults who had also molested me. I remember, after another session of 'remembering', I got so angry and shouted," But why? Why did all these big people mess with me?" I couldn't understand how adults, whoweretrusted by these children, could bring themselves to harm children in such grievous ways, exposing them to things like oral sex and pornographic movies,etc.

Linda and Elna explained that 'precious gems' were stolen from me, and that it was animportant part of the healing process to feel and express the anger, so that the 'poison' could leave my system. This would enable me to move past the anger, allowing the HolySpirit to empower me through His ministry of love and healing, bringing me to a placeof forgiving and 'releasing' those individuals.

I've decided not to dwell on these memories, as they're gone, like water under a bridge-Job 11:16 says:" You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by." I justwant to magnify and glorify God all the days of my life, for I was once trapped andboundinthe past, but my Super Hero, Jesus, came for me and He set me free. The Bible says inJohn16:13, "But when He, the Spirit of Truth comes, He will guide you into All Truth", andI cameto realize that 'all truth' is a person, and it's JESUS! He said so Himself: " I amthe Way ,theTruth, the Life'.

I learned that we can only be set free when we allow the Holy Spirit to lead us to walk ontheroad leading to the cross. This is a place where you have to go alone, only you andtheHolySpirit as your guide. It's a place of personal torment, anguish and suffering- that placewastravelling down the ancient paths to my yester years. I don't know what it is for you, but I cantestify that it's a place where the Presence of God is very, very tangible.

There are a few people in the Bible whom God healed of emotional traumas, and the onethat stood out the most for me is the story of Joseph. He was a young man with bigdreamsin his heart, so big that when he shared it with his brothers, it angered themand causedthem to become jeaolous. His father sent him to see if his brothers were well, and whentheysaw him in the distance, before he reached them, they'd already plotted his death. " Herecomes that dreamer," they snidely remarked to each other, " let's kill himand see what becomes of his dreams!"

Can you imagine the terror and panic that he felt? He approaches his brothers with onlygood intentions, but they grab him and tear his precious coat of many colors off him, theonethat his dad had made especially for him! Then they throw him into the empty well, andwhileJoseph is terrified out of his mind, crying out to them and pleading for his life, they calmlysitdown to eat, his pleas falling on deaf ears. They see a caravan of Ishmaelites approachingand decide to sell him instead. Can you imagine the cruelty of this act - being traffickedbyyour own brothers?! Imagine the emotional trauma and pain that he was experiencingas hewas being carried out of his country, away from his beloved family, not knowing if he wouldever see them again! Then, later, he is falsely accused of attempted rape and thrownintoprison without a trial! There must've been many times when he questioned God: "Why? Whyme God? I have faithfully served You; how could You allow this to happen to me?

I love the animated version of Joseph's life story, depicting the full spectrumof his emotions, beautifully and realistically. In prison, it shows him angry at God, and then it shows howGodtakes him through the process of healing his heart, soul, and body. The song :" You knowbetter than I" portrays the journey of pain and sorrow and how God was working all along, behind the scenes, to work things together for His plans and purposes in Joseph's life. There's always more to life than what meets the eye.

The best part is when God heals him. He sees his brothers coming to buy food, andwhenherecognizes them, he pretends to be a stranger and speaks harshly to them. As they bowbefore him, Joseph remembers his dreams vividly and accuses them of being spies. InGenesis 42:18-20, he tells them what they should do to prove that they're not spies.

When the brothers talk among themselves, saying that they're being punished for what theyhad done to him, not realizing that it was Joseph and that he understood every word, theBible says that he turned away from them and wept. Later, when he sees his own brother Benjamin, he is deeply moved and goes to his private room to weep. In chapter 46:29, heisso overcome with emotion when he sees his beloved father that he throws his arms aroundhim and weeps for a long time. I believe that everytime Joseph wept, God was healinghimof a deeper level of pain and trauma that he had endured.

What's very significant to me are the names he gave his two sons, Menassah and Ephraim. Their names reveal the whole story of going back to confront the pain of his past, forgivingand letting go, and how the willingness to go through this process brings a beautiful closure,

where the 'sting' of what was done is removed and brings about a type of 'forgetting'.

Menassah (his first son) means "God brought me to a place where I could forget". AndEphraim means abundance. I recalled Dr. Sarel saying in one of his lectures that: " Youcan't have the Ephraim experience unless you're willing to go through the fire of the Menassahexperience."

The account of Joshua, who endured and overcame a tremendous amount of emotional trauma, is a beautiful portrayal of a surrendered life; he allowed himself to be meltedandmoulded by the Potter's Hands - perfectly illustrating how a yielded life wields the power toforgive, a very important part of our healing journey.

Forgiveness does not imprison the one you can't forgive; it imprisons YOU! I realized, that inorder for me to reach and dwell in the High Places that God wanted for me, I had tolet goof my fears and doubts, my pain and unforgiveness, the bitterness and resentments,etc- because all these bad spirits entangled me and kept me bound and enslaved to it's expressions through my body; and I was done with giving the enemy an opportunity toexpress itself through me.

As Paul says in Phillipians 3:13-14, " Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do; forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth untothosethings which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of GodinChrist Jesus."

Chapter 17

He Touched me.

The Holy Spirit continued to touch and heal me in the deep, dark crevices of my soul, expertly and lovingly weaving back strands of my fragmented soul. One day, I had anunexpected, but most precious encounter with Jesus. Remember how I referred to theexperience that Fred Littauer mentions in his book- how each person tangibly encounteredJesus, those who had received healing from traumatic experiences of which they hadnomemory? The one thing I said in the beginning made me press on to healing. I thought I would have such an encounter when I remembered what my father did.Then God showedmethat He was with me the entire time, so He didn't have to enter the place of devastation. Well, it happened when I least expected it.

Whilst attending one of our course sessions at Linda's house, our group was listeningtoDr Sarel lecturing on satanic ritual abuse (SRA) . He was describing what these people woulddoto keep a child silenced, when a sudden image flashed in my mind. I was 5 years old, walkingto a neighbor's house near my granny's place. The memory was brief, but it's impact was intense. My heart leaped into my throat, and I felt that familiar pounding sensation that signalled a memory resurfacing. Fear gripped me, and I felt an overwhelming urge tobreakdown and weep.

I quickly excused myself and left the room, not wanting to disrupt the session. Linda followedme to the room, and found me sitting on the bed, weeping uncontrollably. "What's wrong?" She asked, and I answered that I didn't know - one minute I was listening to Dr Sarel's lecture, and the next, I was filled with dread. I explained to her that it wasn't tied toanyoneor anything specific. It was a feeling that came from within. By now, I was acquaintedwiththese triggers, and I understood that they were symptoms of a deeper trauma. Linda calledElna and arranged for a meeting at my house the next day.

The next morning, before the ladies came, I prayed and told God that I trusted Himas myloving Pappa, and I knew that He wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle. Linda andElna arrived, and they prayed that God would seal off the area and command His angels tobe with us. Elna asked the Holy Spirit to shine His Light on any dark, hidden areas inmylife, and suddenly, I was transported back to my childhood.

I saw myself as a little girl of 5 years, entering the neighbour's house near my granny's place. Something about this scene felt very familiar, as if I had been there before. Then I remembered my dream- only this time it was no longer a dream, and the Holy Spirit was once again taking me down the ancient pathways. It was like watching an old movie about me, but I was experiencing the feelings as if it was happening at that moment. Also, I, theadult Glynis, was the observer.

I heard uncle Bob's voice, "Come here, Glynny," I wasn't afraid of him as I went over tostandby his bedside. Elna asked me what I was witnessing, and I told her that I had gottenuponthe bed and was sitting on his lap. I felt awkward and ashamed, explaining to themwhat I was witnessing. Elna gently prodded me to continue, and I shared what he was doingtomeand what he made me do to him. As I relayed the abuse, I felt the guilt and shame washoverme, but also a confusing sense of pleasure.

After uncle Bob had finished, a man entered the room, filling it with his presence. I couldn't see his face, but I wasn't afraid of him. Just as I was about to share what I was seeing, Elnasaid, "Jesus just entered the room." I was stunned, and my excitement rose. This was it -themoment I had been waiting for. I was about to meet Jesus!"

In that tender moment, time stood still, and I felt the overwhelming warmth of my PappaGod's Presence envelop me, leaving an indelible mark on my soul. What happened next tookmy breath away! Jesus bent down, scooped me up in His arms, and carried me out of thehouse. I felt so safe and secure in His loving arms. He walked across a beautiful fieldtowardsa fountain of water. He put me inside it and washed me, every part of me. He then gentlypicked me up out of the fountain and dressed me in a clean white panty and a little crisp, white cotton dress with short, frilly sleeves. Next, He picked me up and swung me aroundand around, and we both laughed joyfully.

The vision ended and I cried as I realized what had just occurred ! The words of an oldhymnburst forth in my soul, " He touched me, oh, He touched me. And oh, the joy that floods my soul.

Something beautiful happened and now I know,

He touched me and made me whole."

Later, during the time of ministry, Elna and Linda explained that it's common for adults whowere sexually abused as children to struggle with feelings of guilt, shame, unworthiness, especially since they may have 'seemingly' enjoyed the sexual acts. They clarified that Godcreated our sexual organs to experience pleasure, but only at the appropriate time, andemphasized that they were adults, while I was just a child.

As they spoke, a verse popped into my mind: Songs of Solomon 8:4 says, "Do not arouseor awaken love until it so desires." We explored, and dealt with the complex emotions that surfaced - feelings of embarrassment, shyness, and false enjoyment - and Linda andElnaprayed for me.

As I closed my eyes, the weight of my past lifted, and I felt the warmth of God's InfiniteLoveenvelop me. In that moment, I knew I was free - free to love, free to live, and free tobeme. And in that freedom, I found my true identity: a beloved child of God, cherished, healed, andforever loved.

Dear Reader,

This is my story of how the Great Love of our heavenly Father, reached down to touchandmake this girl whole. Before the end of my first year I knew I would write this book, but I didn't know what to name it. When I finished the year, Linda handed me a letter, andalinecaught my attention: " Glynis, look where your faith has brought you!" I thought that it wouldmake a great title, but when I reflected on the journey, I turned to her and said, "No, it wouldseem like it's something I did, like my faith brought me to this place. But I didn't have thefaith to begin with."

When I yielded my fears and doubts to Him - and this was the only act I did - He gavemethe faith I needed to trust Him. It was He who gave me the boldness to take His handas wewalked on ancient pathways. I said, "I don't want to make it sound like it had anythingtodowith what I did, because I was such a scaredy- cat! First, His Love drew me closer toHim, then He gave me a glimpse of His plans for my life. He gave me the courage to walk onstormy seas and through the raging fires of my past, constantly assuring me of His LovingPresence. It's all about Him, it's all about what His Love has done to me! "

And just like that, I had the title: "Look what LOVE has done! "Within four weeks I'dwrittenthe book back in 2002, but I didn't want to release it because of how I thought it might affectmy Mommy. But now, I trust my heavenly Pappa to shelter my Mom and keep her fromanyharm.

Now I understand the seasons of my life: after the breaking comes the blessing, andafter theblessing comes the giving. I know that God wants to 'give' me as a sign and witness of HisGreat Love and saving grace for people everywhere. I want to tell people not to keepsecrets, because it's in the "darkness" - the hidden places - that satan has a hold over our lives.

I want to encourage people to be brave enough to confront whatever they need to, tocomeface- to- face with the Truth, even if it's painful and ugly. It's that Truth that will set themfree to live an amazing, abundant life - the life Pappa God intended for each of us tolive.

I believe that through your healing and the words of your testimony, others can be set freefrom the chains that has kept them bound for so long. Dear reader, it is the prayer of myheart that you would make Jesus your personal Saviour and give Him the keys to your whole"house" - not just the bright, sunny rooms, but especially those dark, cloudy rooms - soHecan lift you up from the miry clay and set your feet upon the Solid Rock. May you say withJob,

"I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end, He will standuponthe earth!

Prayer Of Invitation

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for Your love that has transformed my life and now shines through these pages. As readers walk their healing journey, may they encounter Your Tailor-made love andgraceanew each day.

Lord, we bind our minds to the mindset of Jesus Christ - Your thoughts, Your compassion, Your hope. May we see ourselves, You, others, and every circumstance through Your eyes, knowing that we're deeply loved, covered by grace, and never alone.

Daily Surrender:

Father, each morning I surrender my body to you as a living sacrifice, I die to my flesh(mythoughts, my desires and actions) every lying thought of doubt, worry, limitation andlacknow dissolves into it's native state of nothingness, as I am now One with You, God . AndI declare with Your Word that, " as You are, so am I in this world"

Wrap us in Your Peace, guide us on this healing path, and let Your Spirit empower us tolivein the the love and freedom You've won for us. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

" Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus." - Phillipians 2:5

About the Competition

The Global Poetry and Creative Writing Competition 2026 by Hashtag Kalakar is a prestigious platform celebrating creativity and literary expression. This international event provides writers with the opportunity to share their unique voices and stories, fostering a diverse community of poets and authors from around the world. Participants are encouraged to explore various themes and styles, contributing to a rich tapestry of global narratives.

We extend our heartfelt gratitude to Glynis Faith Lamberts for sharing her profound and inspiring work, "Look What LOVE Has Done!" with us. Her participation in the Global Poetry and Creative Writing Competition 2026 brings a powerful narrative of hope and healing to the fore. We are honored to host her story of resilience and faith, which will undoubtedly resonate with and inspire many readers. Thank you, Glynis, for your courage and creativity.

About Hashtag Kalakar

Hashtag Kalakar is a creative platform dedicated to providing artists, writers, singers and other creative talents with opportunities to showcase their work and reach wider audiences through competitions, features and creative initiatives.

Look What LOVE Has Done! - By Glynis Faith Lamberts

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Look What LOVE Has Done!

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