Loathsome Servant

By Harold Kelvin Melchezidek Jensen

Today, I think Wendle Collingwood loves me. What makes me think this isn’t by some ‘great revelation’ but by a gradual piecing together, kind of like a puzzle in my head. Now if a stranger were to be asked to identify the piecing of the puzzle, I’m sure they would always get it wrong from Wendle’s treatment and attitude toward me, which always seem like he hates me. He really is a kind individual who cares a lot for other people, like how he always leaves a generous tip at the restaurant, or opens the door for anyone who happens to be near enough, or when he over hears someone in trouble, he’ll find ways to lighten any burden for that person, but the funny thing with all of that, is that he does it with the most grumpiest face you have ever seen. I suppose his greatest flaw is how he always has poor opinions of other people, people like me, he always says that we should be put in mad-houses or in far away prisons, well, whenever someone manages to fish out an opinion. Perhaps he does this to hide himself for who he truly is, maybe he is ashamed to be that man.

Part 1 Initial Memoir

You want to know when I first met Wendle, well… let me think. I think it was when I was twelve, turning thirteen, me and my two older brothers were tight roping on top a barrier on the side of a busy road, there weren’t anybody walking on the path beside the barrier, except for a jogger, three young men strolling and telling inappropriate jokes, and a homeless guy muttering to himself. We had carried with us, a carton of eggs we were going throw, and our target was an old loosely kempt house, tucked between better-looking homes, either of which were known to be vacationing in Mexico. We took our aim, but before we could cast, Rohan noticed the three young men had stopped a way off, watching us. Their stares made us feel embarrassed and ashamed. We put our eggs away back into the carton, when we began to leave, they called to us. Later, an old man walked outside the rough house to maybe fetch his mail from his rusty mailbox that had still visible splats of frozen egg we had thrown last week. He caught sight of us and stormed toward us like a hurricane. “Come down here at once,” he said, his voice was kept at a controlled but stern tone, it chilled us to the bone, We knew we were caught and in a lot of trouble. “I am very cross with you, do you know why I am cross?” We shook our heads, too afraid to answer. “I am cross because of you disgusting rodents, coming before my house, and throwing egg at it. Now, would you like to find out how long it takes to clean up frozen egg from shingle siding? Come by tomorrow morning and find out, bring your toothbrushes too. However, If you don’t come by noon, I will find you and drag you here myself.” He threatened, as soon as we were free to go, we dashed home as fast as we could. Guilt, shame, and fear caused Wendle’s words to echo in my mind.

When we got home, mother asked why we were so disturbed, despite our efforts in trying to hide the truth by telling her that whatever she was worried about was no big deal, Kal, my older and middle brother, broke down in tears, which in turn made me cry. Garbled in tears, we told mother of the scary old man who threatened us to clean his house with our toothbrushes, unfortunately, mother’s reaction was not what we wanted, rather she began to scold us for wasting all her eggs on the old man’s house.

Next morning, all three of us reluctantly shuffled our way back to the old man’s house with a bucket of soapy water and toothbrushes in hand. When we got there, Wendle already had a tub of hot water with some floor scrubbers partly hidden in the foam. We were grateful to rather use the floor scrubbers than our toothbrushes, Wendle, who the old man was named, came outside with an old dirty toothbrush and an extremely big hound, a German shepherd if I remember correctly.

The work was hard, sometimes if left out too long, the brushes froze and then we had to dip them in the now cold basin of water, our hands were freezing and not all the egg came off the shingles, but, in the end, we did the best we could.

Part 2 Other Mind

Today, while I was at work, I was reminded of the things Wendle had done for me, how much he had an affect on me and how I should never stop caring for my patients, even if they refuse my help, I must find the reason why they hesitate to become clean again and help make it possible for them to solve their problems on their own.

A long time ago, when I was thirteen, me and Rohan were home alone while our mother was away at a late-night bank conference, and our father went to a hockey game with his friends. Kal was already asleep, and we were bored, so Rohan and I found our father’s liquor cabinet beside the bathroom door, inside our parent’s bedroom, and began pretending to be our parents, we both took turns pretending to be our father. It was the first time I realize that my father wasn’t as kind as I thought he was, even while drinking and hitting my brother with imitation, made me feel sick inside, of course I felt sick from the alcohol, but this was different. I wanted to stop, so I ran out of the bedroom and into my bedroom to hide from my brother who I guess thought that I was still pretending. I accidently hit with my door which made him angry, he swore at me and cried. Is this what my parents go through every Friday night, whenever the Calgary flames lost? I thought.

I must have passed out before I awoke to my mother gently stroking my hair, I thought she would be furious with me, being drunk, sneaking into father’s forbidden stash. I saw I had a puke bowl in my arms, and I was in the bath, the water was hot, and every now-and-then mother would turn on the chilly water from the handheld shower head, I guess she was punishing me.

Rohan told me about mother and father’s fight, being more intense than usual, I felt so guilty, was I the cause of their fight? The guilt made me ask my mother after she recovered from the fight, she told me that I wasn’t the problem and that I shouldn’t worry about it. I tried to not worry, but the event was still heavy on my mind.

***

During my last year of middle school during lunch break, I found all five of my friends huddled in a grove of trees by the parking lot, when I wandered over to where they were sitting, an awful smell affronted me, had a skunk passed by? I sat down with my lunch bag, and the smell was all around.

“Hi Tanishka! Sorry I didn’t tell you about the new spot, the old one was too noisy, and we all wanted to eat in peace, besides, there are no teachers over here.” Greeted my friend Lily.

“But I liked our old spot, it was fun there.” I responded, I was disappointed because I could see my secret crush through the doorway into the library, we would always have heated arguments with a couple of boys beside the door—mostly as a cover for gawking at that hottie who always read historical books or something with his group in the library—we spent most of our time roasting the boys by the door across from us. “Yeah sorry, we decided that Mike and Wyle were too annoying today, sorry I forgot to tell you.”

“That’s okay, I was already tired of those slot machines for brain cells.” I tossed my hair in a small scoff, “by the way, what on earth is that awful smell, did someone eat something gone bad?”

“Ah, you’re probably smelling the joint Amy has, she got a whole box from her cousin Gabe, so cute, so we’re trying them out.”

“Isn’t smoking bad for you?” a memory of my mother advising me that smoking is bad flashed in my mind, even though father smokes.

“That’s smoking cigarettes, these are joints, different, you don’t get hooked on them like how you would with cigarettes.” Explained Amy, at the time, I believed Amy’s reasoning, after all, it was pointed out to me that even Mike and Wyle had the same similar smell to what I was smelling here, I guessed they were right.

“Come on Tanishka, show us how a pro smokes a joint,” pressured my third friend Yoko, words of warning flooded my head, almost as if I was yelled at, I even pictured Wendle’s growl of warning, “I don’t think I should, I have never smoked before.”

“Come on Tani, you already drink booze, what’s a joint gonna hurt?” tempted Amy. I suddenly felt my social status of being the coolest girl in the group be threated, I didn’t want to lose the respect I worked so hard to build, the fear grew so large that it smothered the voices in my head, so I took the joint and inhaled, which resulted in a harsh cough, I was so embarrassed.

My friends and I often found secluded places around our school to smoke cannabis, and when it seemed that we couldn’t indulge at school, we went to Amy’s house which was relatively close by every lunch, but the teachers came so very close to catching us sneaking off, even Amy’s parents forbade us from coming over every lunch and after school. We were running out of options.

Lily suggested that we should go to Gabe’s house to smoke, since he was the one who supplied them. I didn’t like the plan, sneaking off to smoke in some stranger’s home seemed too risky, after I already felt enough risk had been made. I wasn’t the only one who frowned on Lily’s suggestion, Yoko didn’t like the idea either. But Amy’s enthusiasm and Lily’s persistence won the favor of the two sisters in our friend group, out numbering us. The need for weed was real.

That afternoon, after school, we left with the excuse that we were coming over to a new friend’s house, someone new to our group, luckily our parents thought we meant a new girlfriend. Amy showed us the way to her cousin’s house in between our school and the high school; she knocked on the door and out came a teenager several years older than us. I should have known that had I heeded the warnings in my head, I would have never met the man who ruined my life—he introduced himself as Gabe.

“Grandma, Amy and friends are over, can they come in?” he called into the house. A sweet old lady wrapped up in breathing tubes rolled out of a room into view in an electric wheelchair, she squeaked with delight at Amy’s presence while the two hugged. After the old lady rolled away, Gabe asked his cousin why they came, and she responded very bashfully and a little cryptic.

“If you want to smoke weed, just say so, I don’t want to have to decode your riddles to figure out what you want.” He retorted. Gabe guided us down into the basement where I supposed he lives, then into a party room filled with gore and other unsightly decorations.

“welcome to my mancave, here in this chest holds the joys of the mind, come smoke and see.”

All six of us often visited Gabe’s home to indulge, but lately, one by one, some of us stopped showing up, the sisters lost interest and stopped being our friends while Lily received a house arrest for six months after causing a scene at the Chinook centre. I stayed connected with Yoko at school, but she always produced a convenient excuse not to come with me and Amy, even Amy sometimes would leave me at Gabe’s house. Every evening, I was at Gabe’s house, we would smoke, talk, listen to music, and sometimes I would do my homework there too. Thankfully, that’s all we ever did, at least until the flood came. Something happened to him that I had no idea would cause him to change. During summer break, he began offering me beer—I turned him down of course, remembering my past experiences with alcohol, but he ended up convincing me to drink.

Next thing led to the next and I was in his arms in his bed, fulfilling the worst mistake of my life, I got used to Wendle’s words of warning screaming in my head which was another terrible mistake I should never had made.

I had constant nightmares of Wendle turning away from me, abandoning me to the consequences of my actions, they made me want to never see Wendle again and every time I had to pass, I snuck by, hoping that he would not notice me.

I wondered why it was Wendle I feared the most from disappointing, Not my mother, or my father, just old man Wendle. I suppose it was because every time I walked to a superstore along MacLeod trail, I would pass by his house and there he would be, sitting on his porch. He would criticize me and give me advice, and every now and then, he would compliment me whenever I was helping someone carry stuff, his compliments always filled me with joy for some reason.

I don’t know why, but at the end of the day in high school, I went to Gabe’s house as often as I could, probably because he convinced me that he needed me.

Part 3 Tertia Memoria Gravis

“Tanishka!” I heard my name called, I knew the gruff voice that always chastises me as I passed by carrying out my errands, I froze with horror, “go home Tanishka, something has happened to your mother,” Commanded Wendle, my worst nightmare I feared, and should have heeded, seemed to come true.

“Why are you here, what happened to my mother?” I asked fearfully. Was Wendle going to judge me, abandon me, what is the deal with my mother being in danger? I didn’t understand what was going on, I had thought I was prepared for this moment, are all my tricks and lies over?

I left Wendle behind as I dashed toward home, hoping that nothing serious happened to my dear mother. When I arrived, I saw my mother laughing with my brothers in the living room, she had a large brown empty envelope in her hand, she seemed overjoyed. I asked her if she was all right, and she told me that she finally got a new position in the Royal Bank of Canada, as a bank associate. I was furious with Wendle for tricking me like that.

The next year, I spent more time with Gabe despite Wendle, I didn’t even care about keeping my secret from my family either. Soon, my family knew of my deeds and my mother forbade me from going to Gabe’s house, I fought her of course. Little by little, my habits I developed at Gabe’s bled into my own home, all my smoking, drinking, and behavior were exercised without consideration or respect. Both my brothers only came home on rare occasions from their college lives, and when they did, I think it was when I wasn’t around at home, causing grief for everyone.

One day, Wendle invited me into his home, I was reluctant to enter, but I went anyway, I mean, it’s not like I haven’t been there before. His house was dirty and smelly, and full of stuff, not like a hoarder’s house, but still cluttered. He offered me tea at the table while he sat down on a very squeaky chair, mine was squeaky too.

“You have a very big problem, a problem that you are not fully aware of, frankly, you are in grave danger.” His voice was calm and sincere, “you need to change your course before it is too late, I see your path, I know where you will end up.”

“How can you know?” I asked.

“I know one too many who had walked the very path you are now walking, and they all say the same thing, ‘if only had I been wiser, I would not be in hell now’ these people now live as scum of the world by their own design. Do you think that there is where your destiny lies, to become one of them?”

“Why are we discussing this?”

“Do not cower, you are now at the critical moment where your decision will affect your future, and the futures of those around you.”

“Why now?”

“By your design, no other time is more suited than this moment right now.”

“So, you want me to change my ways of being an evil sinner?” I asked pointedly.

“It does not matter what I want, what matters is what kind of person you want to become, by every choice you make, every company you keep, and every deed that is done, will paint you as who you meant yourself to be.” His words rung in my head like a beaten seashore, I couldn’t believe that this was happening, why should I have to change, can’t I just be left alone? I’m not hurting anyone, so long as they mind their own business. I felt a resistance to Wendle’s effort to change me. I leaned forward to stare at my feet. I didn’t want to change, what if Gabe needs me and I’m not there, what if I can’t stop my unpleasant habits, what if my friends stop respecting me because I changed? I wanted to leave Wendle’s house.

“What do you want from me?”

“I want you to decide to go and reconcile with your family, and leave that boyfriend of yours, look into the meaning and saying of every action he makes toward you and others.” My face flushed with anger, How could he, how dare he suggest such a thing. I was utterly appalled, I can’t abandon Gabe, he needs me, why can’t he see that?

I got up from the table and left, telling myself that I should not see Wendle ever again. As I was stomping my way home, I heard him called after me, telling me to reconcile and repent, like a biblical prophet.

Part 4 Chetvertoye Temnoye Pereskaz

I was again reminded of the darkest time of my life when I found the sister of a young woman in my care who is not even twenty yet, had passed away from overdosing on fentanyl, the young woman also had a history of a terrible childhood that continued to the present and drug abuse. Both the woman and I wept for hours, she may have not understood why I wept equally with her, but I believe it brought her comfort. I helped her with the funeral expenses and legal obligations to prepare her sister the burial she deserved. I was glad to have made a new friend with her.

During my first college year at the University of Calgary, I was majoring in Canadian Economics when I first met Douglas, Douglas was a smart young man, about my age give or take, he was rough looking, but he always had a good taste in clothes. He also loved to party a lot, and some of those parties were demoralizing with debauchery and drugs. I was still bitter toward Wendle after he chased away Gabe, so I also partook in the lasciviousness of the party. Such a stupid reason to destroy my life with.

As much fun as I had, I soon realised the reality and danger that Wendle had warned me about, Douglas was dead. He had overdosed in the early morning at one of the parties we attended that night. I was stricken with grief and fear, nobody had ever died near me before, I never knew a dead body until then, it made me sick.

I met Brandon sometime before Doug’s death, being passed around like a piece of meat. Brandon was manipulative and contradictory, bending my mind in so many ways I became lost. The scariest thing about Brandon is that he convinced me that I needed to be punished for Doug’s death, even though he said that he was always on my side, yet I was still being passed around, this time for money. I went along with it solely for the fact that I was running low on university fees.

That is when Wendle and I crossed paths in a total of two years, I was found in a small street beginning to satisfy a customer when he pulled onto the street in his red Honda Civic, he got out and marched right up to me without acknowledging my customer who was very annoyed.

“Tanishka, I have found you, come with me,” he gasped short on breath. To be honest, I was elated that Wendle had laboured in search for me, I didn’t understand why I reacted that way, perhaps I had missed him.

The customer was then chased off with Wendle’s gesture of the finger and did so while never pealing away his gaze from me.

“Come, We have much to talk about,” he said as he stretched out his hand, I hesitated, but something pressed me to take it. When I settled myself in the comfortable seat with an electric warmer, I became afraid of what he might say. Will he judge me, chastise me, or belittle me?

“Tell me about this new Tanishka you have become, do you like her, did you enjoy being her for the year?” he asked, I was astonished, is this really Wendle, normally he would be more grumpy, he would scold me and say that people like me deserved to be deported or thrown in jail for smuggling and dealing drugs.

“Wendle, is that really you?” I asked.

“Of course it’s me, now please answer the question.” Wendle put the car into reverse, and we felt like we bumped into something, Wendle poked his head out of his window and cursed at a man groaning on the ground behind us, it was Brandon. Wendle then shifted into forward and sped off onto the main street leaving him behind.

“Funny, I did the same thing to your last boyfriend.” He chuckled.

“You did what!?” I exclaimed.

“I’m joking, what kind of monster do you take me for? Now back to the question.”

“It was terrible, I’m hooked on drugs and I prostitute, I feel worthless every day, and it gets worse, I thought it would have been fun… Why am I not having fun?” I answered, suddenly, Wendle’s words flooded back into my mind.

“If only I had been wiser, I would not be in hell now.” he said, reading my mind, “I think we shouldn’t live life just to have fun, but rather we should live life making fun, make fun for others in story, song, art, deed, and love. Do so by providing opportunity for adventure for those who do not have such, of that we can have fun as fruits of our labour.”

“Easier said than done,” I grumbled.

“It isn’t meant to be easy, Tanishka, it’s meant to be fun.”

“What kind of fun are you talking about?”

“The everlasting kind, come and I will show you, but first, we have to get you cleaned up.” He smiled. A moment passed in silence, I felt good, better than I ever had felt before, ever.

“Look, before I forget, I need to apologize to you for the wrongs I’ve done you, I shouldn’t have chased away your old boyfriend, tricked you, confronted you with harsh and heavy things, or even criticized you for being an immigrant, for all that, I am sorry.”

“I forgive you, I’m sorry too, for being a pain in the butt with no brains. If I may, what caused you to do all those things?”

“Well, gee… I suppose it was from my son’s passing in twenty-fifteen, heroin, he was the last of five children left alive.”

“Oh,” I finally understood Wendle at that moment, now I understand that Wendle was the one who had a life worse than mine, I saw the result of his life’s troubles ever since I first met him, and I didn’t even recognize it, how could I? I was only a child.

Part 5 Pémpti Anáklisi Therapeías

Covid was tough, having to be separated from your friends for two and a half years, but it was harder for me as I went through rehab, Wendle visited when he could, even though he had to remain six feet from everyone, the masks annoyed him. I worried about him everyday, being that the illness targeted older folks.

In all honesty, I was completely bored, after dropping out of university for the rehabilitation. Luckily it happened along side Covid, I couldn’t imagine having to draft essays and take tests virtually on zoom.

I was sorrowed by the many deaths caused by the virus and the foolish president of the United States who thought that the illness was a myth. And I thought I was crazy. The saddest news I received was news of Wendle’s separated wife having passed away from Leukemia, I sent him cards of comfort, which seemed to me, he enjoyed. We had to have the funeral virtually, which was rather difficult for Wendle, technology was never his strong suit.

I finally received my third year of sobriety; I was incredibly happy about that.

Also, I had met someone new, her name was Gabrielle. I don’t know why I felt attracted to her, perhaps it was because her name was like Gabe from long ago, so we dated for a year. Wendle wasn’t pleased with me, being the typical conservative boomer I sometimes crossed paths with. That was a confusing time for me.

I began to miss that old days with Gabe, which I shared with Gabrielle, reminded by her habit of smoking legalised weed and a complete collection of vapes. Was I being tested if I might relapse into my old habits?

I decided to swallow my pride and go to confide in Wendle. He was gracious enough to keep his political judgements to himself. When I asked him about what I should do about Gabrielle, he simply said ‘seems to me you already made up your mind, why are you bothering me about it?’

I had done a challenging thing, but going through rehab was a lot harder, so I was fine.

I began volunteering and training to become a rehabilitator with some online programs, and at a conference for drugs and alcohol awareness, I met Conner Mikkelson, who was a car salesman. We fell in love and a year later, we got married. Wendle helped me go back to university for psychiatry, which helped land me the position as a rehabilitation counsellor.

Several years later, I caught news of Wendle passing away from a heart attack. I will miss him, even though he never really liked me, he was always so kind to me, and to repay his kindness, I shall share that kindness to all those who need it. Now go forth and make life fun.

By Harold Kelvin Melchezidek Jensen