Inner Healing- A Path Towards Meaningful Human Relationships.

By Alison N.G Fernandes

Ever since a child is conceived in the mother’s womb, she/he begins to develop a relationship not only with the mother, but also with other family members around. The mother- child bond in the pre- natal stage is the beginning of physical as well as psycho- spiritual development of the child. How well the child will grow and develop in all the aspects of its being, depends very much on this phase of life. The mother’s psycho-spiritual well being is the deciding factor for the all- round development of the child.

The special event of the birth of a child is a delightful occasion. But unfortunately, in India, if that child turns out to be a girl, it is a time of anger and sometimes shame towards the mother for having brought a girl into the world. Hereon, begins the battle for both, mother and daughter to prove their worth as humans, lest they be judged. Not to say that the male child is spared from this judgement! The woman of the house, the mother if not given due importance by her husband could suffer from self- hatred and lack of self- confidence, as a consequence, the relationship between mother and child gets distorted leading to creation of inner wounds.

We come to the question of inner wounds- What are inner wounds? Inner wounds are attachment wounds that a child may experience due to a traumatic experience. It is the emotional and biological responsibility of parents and guardians to create a safe environment for their children, but unfortunately, this doesn't always happen. Most of us have experienced inner wounds at one time or another. Not all circumstances being emotionally and /or psychologically stable, attachment wounds are inevitable. These can be translated also as mother and father wounds (created by either parent) due to abandonment, neglect, trust, guilt, leading to people exhibiting people- pleasing behaviour and other showing other traits like difficulty setting and enforcing boundaries, feeling guilty for standing up for yourself, avoiding conflict at every chance possible, fear of abandonment or letting go, feeling inadequate or unworthy. constant criticisms – strong inner critic, afraid to ask for help or fear of being a burden.

These wounds mostly show up in adult life and can hinder growth and progress. Anxiety of other people’s opinions is the primary factor for failure to work towards the fulfilment of one’s potentials. These inner wounds have a deep impact on how one functions in every area of our lives. Therefore, it is important that one identifies and becomes aware of one’s inner wounds.

Once these difficulties/ wounds have been spotted, the next step is to acknowledge that these wounds exist and need healing. The process of inner healing as psychologists suggest, is not a difficult one, if the individual is willing to sit and work with him/herself, going deep into his/her inner self and finding out what needs to be taken care of. Of course, this would mean setting aside time for oneself, despite the busy schedule, that can be called: ‘me time’.

This ‘me time’ is one’s private time for redressal of personal grievances, wherein the inner child can be spoken to through letter writing or role- play. As the conversation with the inner child takes place, one can show empathy towards oneself when s/he becomes aware of the pain. As one feels this pain, self- empathy and compassion can work as a catalyst to soothe the pain and bring in gradual inner healing. This is not an overnight phenomenon, which therefore needs regular work of self-exploration.

Gradual self- awareness is a result of inner work. Relationship with oneself and others can be successful only if one goes within him/ herself from time to time. Emotional Intelligence along with Spiritual Quotient is developed in this process, knowing that there is a Higher Power residing within, from whom one can gain strength. And we can never underestimate the lethal combination of Emotional Quotient, Spiritual Quotient and the already present Intelligence Quotient.

Adventurous as life is, so is the process of inner healing, where one can explore the unknown and feel the liberating love within. This liberating self- love, which is also unconditional, can be felt by oneself and then spread to others through empathy and compassion, leading to beautiful, satisfied and fulfilled relationships without the pressure of expectations. Another guarantee is a comfortable relationship with oneself without the baggage of what others think… because what you think about yourself is vital.

In my own life, I have noticed how my inner wounds have created difficulties in relating to people in a new environment. And now, as I am on the road to healing, which has been a tedious and frightening process, I feel liberated only in and through surrender. Everyday is different with thoughts of negativity and self – defeat sometimes creeping in. Thereafter, I have to catch the feelings and deliberately be empathetic towards myself, showing self -compassion not only as I relate to myself but also in my relationship with those around me.

By Alison N.G Fernandes