I'm Thinking Of Ending My Life Mumma

By Srishtika Prakash

I'm thinking of ending my life mumma,

I'm so tired

tired -

of the discomfort my body feels

as it procrastinates under the sheets -

of the thousand different thoughts running

in my head that are never-ending

but ironically drive me to think of an end

in the most selfish way that now

doesn't sound that selfish because

"what is this life if full of care,

we have no time to stand and stare"

was the first poem that touched me

when I was ten —

too young to understand

the full impact,

those words — a bitter truth and

I can't help but go back in time

back and forth, day and night

and conjure what ifs that would never manifest

because unfortunately, time cannot be reset

I'm thinking of ending my life mumma,

I'm so done

done -

with hating my body, for my skin

has a memory of its own and it's not pretty;

those strange hands from the age of four

until I grew up and learnt to run and ignore

still chase after me in my head

because everytime I step into a bus

or walk among a crowd, I fear;

Corona has given me some relief though

at the price of leaving me with my thoughts

and ugly memories that come to haunt

back and forth, day and night

and conjure what ifs that make me cringe

and vomit at the sickness I feel within

I'm so tired of hating myself,

of asking for protection, of being escorted

by a friend because it's past sunset

and anything could happen

I'm thinking of ending my life mumma,

I'm so sick

sick-

of feeling lonely, like nobody loves me

I know you do and papa and chhotu

but I'm so sick and tired and done

that I can't find the strength to feel your love;

my lungs are weak, sometimes I struggle

to breathe, my heart beats so fast sometimes

I can't help but wonder if I'd die

and if you'd mistake it for a heart attack

not realising how sick I was that

it was the darkness within that

choked me to my death?

I am sick and tired and done.

I want to live but all I see around is bleakness —

where could I possibly go to find some relief?

Alexa tells me that things are quite bad

in the streets, for people like me

who believe in justice and equality

and in respecting each other's ideologies

where do I look for recovery? I try to look

for a loophole in these intrusive thoughts

back and forth, day and night

but I can't conjure anymore hope inside

I'm thinking of ending my life mumma,

please help me live

By Srishtika Prakash