How Hardcore Is Your Religion?

By Mihir Mathur

Does your religion sound like the plot of an Avengers movie?

The debate over which religion is best has played out rather violently in human history, and still rages on to this day. Interestingly, a normal and rational discussion over the merits and demerits of each religion has always been considered rather inappropriate. Obviously, the way we have done it, by slaughtering those who dared to pray to another God, has always been the preferred method of making the case for a particular religion. Back in the 10th, 11th and 12th centuries, Christians found that the argument “Jesus is best, because we’ll kill you if you don’t go to the Church every Sunday” was highly convincing. When the Church became a powerful organization during the Renaissance, till late into the 19th century, they employed this argument to great effect. The violent sects of Muslims in the Middle East have also made use of this argument themselves, but have found limited success.

In this blog, I have decided to settle this debate, using a very novel approach – words. I have judged these religions based on their backstories, and how close they are to an awesome Avengers movie. Please remember that this is all in jest, and a framing device to tell you about how cool I think Norse mythology is.

Let’s start with Christianity, a religion followed by the 29% of the world. A big following must mean that the religion is awesome, right? Can the Bible be turned into a superhero flick that warrants soaring orchestra scores as it's characters do something awesome? The answer is, in fact, yes. The Old Testament is something that can provide great material for a movie. It features the one true God who is, as the scholars put it, the real deal. This God is vengeful, and has a Holy Arsenal to punish the people who don’t worship him, or those who are impure. He is much like an invulnerable superhero who drops in to beat up thugs who are robbing an old lady – the fight is very one-sided, and the hero shows off a lot. It also has dragons, lots of them. The most important and interesting thing about the Bible, however, is the Apocalypse. God hits the reset button on earth, and goes to war with his archnemesis. The forces of good and evil battle, while the world gets destroyed, and is born anew. Very cinematic, but the story doesn’t have an ending, so the movie would end on a cliffhanger.

There are many parallels between Christianity and Islam, looking solely at their religious texts. The Archangel Gabriel came to Muhammad and they talked for a bit. What they talked about is written down in what is known as the Quran, along with the rules that Muslims must live by. Primarily, Islamic literature chronicles the life of the Prophet Muhammad. It might make a good drama movie, but not an action flick.

Hinduism is the fourth largest religion, after atheism, and has more than enough Gods to recreate that scene in Endgame when all of the heroes come in through the portals. With a pantheon of over 30 million Gods in Hinduism, running the various aspects of the universe, one can easily create an Avengers style team. This religion already has two major movies under its belt – the Ramayana and the Mahabharata. There is even an apocalypse-like event, though not that well defined, which would make an excellent setting for such a movie.

I think the best candidate for an epic action movie is Norse mythology, the religion of the Vikings. Every single God in Norse mythology is responsible for two things – a natural phenomenon like thunder or sunlight, and absolutely destroying things he or she do not like. What else would a religion of great warriors be about? Let’s start with Odin, the God of wisdom, magic, death and poetry, the king of Asgard, and the chief of the Aesir, the race of Gods. What did he do to Ymir, the giant who existed before the realm of the earth existed? Why, he killed it of course. He killed it so hard that its blood flooded an entire dimension of existence. Then he took the flesh of Ymir and crafted Midgard, or earth as we know it, seas and mountains and all, put it on the Yggdrasil, the world tree, and created the first humans. Already, it is clear that this man does not mess around. His other feats include sacrificing his eye for knowledge, pushing an entire plane of existence full of giants, the Jotunn, to the edge of extinction, battling creatures that dwarf the sun, and playing massively complex political games amongst gods and humans for fun. Then there is Thor, who causes thunder and earthquakes when he battles and wrangles with snakes the size of the planet. Such is the legend of Jormungandr, the World Serpent. A snake so large that it encircles the planet. Thor fought this monster to a stalemate, their blows so powerful that it shook the Yggdrasil, and dropped them out of time.

Obviously, the tale of how these Gods will die, is something truly awesome. It isn’t good news for every living thing on this planet, but the Gods do put on a good show. The Vikings, in fact, look forward to it. It starts with Loki, the God of Trickery and Mischief, tricks the blind God Hodr into killing his own brother Baldr. Baldr is a kind and gentle soul, loved by the people, and blessed by his mother Freya to be invulnerable from everything, except mistletoe. This sets into motion the events of Ragnarok, the end of the world. Following Baldr’s death, the fimbulventr begins – a terrible winter thrice as long as normal, uninterrupted by summers, driving the world into hunger and despair. The wolves Skoll and Hati, who chase the sun (Sol) and the moon (Mani) across the heavens, will finally catch up and devour them, plunging the world into darkness. Jormungandr, the World Serpent, awakens once again, spitting venom that poisons the whole world. Stan Lee will make a cameo at this point. Fenrir, a wolf so huge that its open maw stretches from the ground to the sky, will break free from Odin's imprisonment, and roam the world, devouring everything in its path. They sky will break, and from the fracture, giants made of fire from the realm of Muspelheim will emerge, led by Surtr, who will destroy Asgard with a flaming sword. Heimdall, the gatekeeper of Asgard, will blow the Gjallarhorn, a massive horn that would be heard across the nine realms of the Yggdrasil, signaling the beginning of war. Then, the movie will break for commercials, and the audience will groan, because the movie paused right as the carefully crafted tension in the plot was paying off, and would probably ruin the experience for all moviegoers.

The Norse gods and the forces of evil meet at the battlefield of Vigrid. Odin brings the best warriors of all ages, the warriors of Valhalla, who heard the call of the Valkyries when they died. He fights his nemesis, Fenrir, along with his best warriors. But he will lose, and will be swallowed whole by the wolf, along with his men. One of Odin’s sons, Vidar, burning with vengeance, will hold the monster wolf’s moth open, and stab it through its throat, killing it. Similarly, Thor will face off against his nemesis, Jormungandr, and emerge victorious. But he will have been bitten by Jormungandr, and will take nine steps before dying himself. This battle will consume the world, leaving nothing behind but the void. The world and the nine realms ends, sinking into the ocean, and credits roll.

But there is a twist. The people still in the movie hall will snicker at the people who have left, because they are missing the end-credits scene. Vidar, Vali, Hodr, Magni, Modi and the resurrected Baldr, survive the Ragnarok, and begin the world anew. Sol’s daughter, once again bringing life to the world, replaces the now dead Sol. Two humans will also survive the Ragnarok, and will repopulate the earth once again.

Ragnarok, in essence, is not about destruction, but about rebirth. The Vikings knew that their world would come to an end, but found solace in the fact that after they are gone, something new will take its place – a new world with new gods. Their world will be washed of the sins of their people and of their gods, and the deserving will inherit the world. To them, this is a tale of hope. To me, this is an awesome movie idea that someone should get start working on.

By Mihir Mathur