Hombres

By Kelton "KC" Castillo

“Los hombres no lloran”, “deja de llorar que pareses marica”

Words that I heard from my parents.

Palabras que se quedaron conmigo toda mi vida.

These phrases, often repeated, became the bedrock of my upbringing.

They taught me that tears are a luxury I cannot afford,

That vulnerability is a flaw to be hidden away.

So what do I do? I suffer in silence, I walk through life putting up a façade.

Always smiling, always energetic, always cracking jokes.

But guess what?

Behind every smile, there's a wall of pain.

Behind every joke, a heart crying out for help.

The façade is my armor, my shield against a world that doesn't understand.

I KNOW what it feels to be broken down.

I KNOW what it feels to be alone,

To feel the whole world moving forward and you being at a standstill.

I am the life of the party, the one who makes everyone laugh,

Yet, when the laughter fades, I am left with my solitude.

The isolation is deafening, the silence, a constant companion.

I KNOW PAIN, ANXIETY, and depression.

But you wouldn’t know this unless I tell you.

You wouldn’t bother to notice the signs, and even if you were to notice

them, you wouldn’t acknowledge them.

My struggles are invisible, hidden behind a mask.

Pain gnaws at my soul, anxiety grips my heart,

Depression lingers like a shadow, always present, always persistent.

“Los hombres no lloran”, “Un hombre tiene que ser fuerte y proveer”

A mi comunidad no le importa mis sentimientos.

My community tells me that strength is my only currency,

That my worth is measured by what I can provide, not by how I feel.

Emotions are a sign of weakness,

Feelings? a distraction from my duties.

So that means my feelings don’t matter right?

That means I shouldn’t be sad or cry or have emotions...right?

Being a man means carrying the weight of expectations,

Balancing the demands of masculinity with the struggles of not being too

hard, not being too cold, not being too silent.

Because we are still expected to open up, when the world won’t open up to

us.

But instead of talking about this I should just MAN UP and suck it up.

I should just man up and suck it up.

By Kelton "KC" Castillo