Here We Go Again Tonight

By Shashwat Nagar

In bed I lay and close my eyes,

As thoughts of grey just fill my mind,

Thoughts of grey, some black, some white,

Ah, here we go again tonight.

I read, I think, I feel, I write,

Another losing battle, I begin to fight,

It’s getting dark, I can’t see the light,

Ah, here we go again tonight.

The more you grow, the more you know,

Life isn’t easy, take it slow,

So when you’re old and it’s your last day,

You only wonder if there’s a fast way,

To bless yourself, have mercy on your soul,

Perish from the planet after you’ve played your role,

Just give in to the devil, embrace the fright,

Ah, here we go again tonight.

Over and over, again and again,

I try to stop, but it’s all in vain,

I can’t control my mind, I can’t resist,

As long these thoughts continue to exist,

I close my eyes, I try to rest,

“Kill yourself.” My thoughts suggest.

Once again, I disappear from everyone’s sight,

Ah, here we go again tonight.

None of it, not a single thing,

Makes any sense, I think,

Once more, my throat goes sore,

And this happy song, I begin to sing

Loud, louder, I can’t hear myself anymore,

Shout harder, can’t keep this up no more.

This ends now, or so I declare,

Before my mind takes me somewhere,

Somewhere dark, somewhere dim,

Where my thoughts become too grim,

It’s hard to see, it’s hard to come back,

Just kill me. I’m tired of this crap.

I put a band aid on my bleeding heart,

Fake a smile and fall apart,

And when the world asks, I always swear,

I’m okay, there’s nothing to share.

And then, it all falls apart,

A simple “are you okay?” rips holes through my heart,

Like the shooting stars, I shine till I fall,

I try to hold it together till I throw it all.

Is it my fault ? Was I not enough ?

Do I really deserve this ? Why does it have to be so rough ?

Should I have done something ? Should I have done nothing ?

Is this misfortune all my actions can bring ?

Am I in control, is this not fate ?

Am I in love, or do I just hate ?

Hate the way you’re happy when I’m not,

Hate the way you lick your lips and smile,

Hate the way you leave me to rot,

Hate the way you become so vile,

Hate the way you’re the prettiest in my eye,

Hate the way you make me cry,

Hate the way you make me want to die,

Hate everything, but I don’t even know why,

The one thing I love, is the way that you lie.

You start to understand why people drink and smoke,

When your life itself becomes a joke,

When you speak the truth but live in a lie,

When you indulge in actions, words can’t justify.

It’s getting too late, time to make a decision,

React appropriately, with speed and precision,

Shed some blood, cry some tears,

Accept this fact, confirm my fears.

Tonight, I’ll go to war with me,

Because I’m my own worst enemy,

Nothing’s in my control, I never got to choose,

The funny thing is,

It’s me vs me, either way, I lose.

By Shashwat Nagar