Flawed Yet Floored

By Gaayathri Arasakumar

The tears threatened to pour as Sanjana took yet another step away from him, further into the deep darkness of the room. She knew she had to turn away from him before he caught her sobbing. Clutching her dress, she leaned against the wall, head against the cold window pane, hoping he would back away. But, he did not. Forever the persistent one in the relationship, he took another firm step towards her again. He did not close in on her, though, as he knew better than anyone else her desperate need for boundaries. 

Standing at an arm’s length, Rakesh waited patiently for her to regain her composure as he realised she was tearing. He ached to hold her in his arms, to comfort her, to tell her it was all okay, but he also understood that she was not ready for his touch just yet. And so, he held back. Sanjana drew in another breath, just as she did whenever she needed to to calm her frayed nerves or to control her erupting fury or to even triumph over her crippling sadness. Neither spoke for a few seconds, waiting for the other to break the deafening silence. 

“Rakesh, I am… sorry …, but I don’t… think I can… do this,” Sanjana quavered pitifully. Even in the darkness, Rakesh could see her crestfallen face. Her brows were twisted with worry, her eyes drowning in fear and dejection, and her lips upturned. His heart bled at the thought of this torture he had unleashed on her. He had brought this upon her, but he knew they had to do this now rather than later. Watching her intently even in the darkness, Rakesh sat down on their bed. Her hands were still clutching her dress, and he knew she was not ready for anything he had to say. Nodding slightly, he looked down at his hands and twisted the platinum ring around the ring finger on his left hand. 

The sound of her footsteps told him that she was slowly approaching him. Placing herself lightly on the bed inches away from him, she looked down at her clasped hands. It was her turn to remain silent while fiddling with a similar platinum ring on the ring finger on her left hand. Rakesh knew he had to take charge. He was, after all, the one to propel this.

“I am sorry that I forced you to do this, my love,” He started to say before pausing abruptly. Did he really have the words for this? Did he actually know how he was going to get through the night? Did he know how to bring her through this? He shut his eyes tightly, almost hurting himself. There was no choice. He had to do this. They were already two months too late. From the corner of his eyes, he saw her briskly wipe away a tear that rolled down her cheek before clasping her hands again.

“Rakesh, I am sorry… but, I don’t know.. I don’t know how to do… this,” She spoke through the lump in her throat. She turned towards him, but did not inch closer. Keeping her eyes down, she repeated softly  the same things she had told him for the first time eleven months when he declared his love for her for the first time, for the second time eight months ago when he asked her to marry him, for the third time two months ago right before they tied the knot, and for the fourth time during their marital night. He knew by heart what she was saying, for her words were imprinted in his mind. 

His mind drifted back to the night they were alone in a room together for the first time, right after they had become man and wife. What was supposed to be the most significant night of their lives had suddenly become a night of pain, tears, and lingering sadness. They had shared the most wonderful of kisses, the best one in their time together. Just as Rakesh touched her thigh, she felt his heat seeping through her sage-coloured silk wedding saree. She recoiled in horror despite her mind screaming at her to stay calm. Sanjana immediately tried to mask her horror with a weak smile, but she knew the damage was done. Rakesh’s shock and agony were written all over his beautiful face. 

She knew that she had married the love of her life. This man was every woman’s dream, physically and emotionally. He loved her in ways she had only known in books, movies, and poetry, which was precisely why she had agreed to marry him despite knowing him for only eleven months. Rakesh understood her whims, her need to switch off from the world periodically, her tantrums, and her need for the occasional distance and space. Rakesh could translate her silence and knew her mind before she articulated it. When she needed to express the thoughts that weighed down on her or embarrassed her, all he offered her were his ears, his non-judgement, and sometimes, when those thoughts exploded as tears, his arms that consoled her without the necessity for words. 

For a man who never wanted to love another after having his heart broken once, he loved her way too much, more than she had deemed possible for herself. He dropped his hard exterior only for her and treated her the way she had only dreamed of. The love, passion, respect, warmth, and patience he showered on her melted away the permafrost of her million insecurities and anxieties. The walls she had built up over years of loneliness and rejection crumbled into dust as he stepped into her life. Dropping her guard, she let him into her life, her heart, and slowly, into the core of her being. 

She bared her soul to him and let him into the heartbreak she held within. She opened up about her deepest desires, her darkest fears, and everything she had ever thought and felt in her thirty-one years of existence. As he had from the third week of knowing her, Rakesh listened to it all and fell in love with her, much to her disbelief. He knew not what was happening to him too, for he had not imagined a love this deep for himself. He had spent a decade building his own walls, vowing to the universe to never let another into his world after the last woman he had trusted shattered his faith in love. 

He swore he would never look at a woman with love or lust and for ten years, he had not and one day, out of nowhere, she appeared and he knew in that eleven months, here was a woman, an absolute force of nature, that he wanted all for himself, not just in this lifetime, but in all the lifetimes that were to come thereafter. Lifetimes, one of the most ridiculous things that she had instilled in him a belief in. Rakesh often simpered at that thought. First, she made him believe in feelings. Then, she made him believe in love. And now, without even trying, she had made him believe in lifetimes. He watched with amusement, the twinkle she had in her eyes when she spoke about lifetimes, the universe, souls, and the magic of love. Effortlessly, she had drawn him out of his darkness, his mundanity, and had led him into her own world of light, poetry, and enchantment. He did not know if multiple lifetimes was a thing, but her unmovable faith in it made him believe in it too, and he knew that if it was indeed true, he wanted her in every birth he would take. No one else would suffice, he sensed. 

It stung Rakesh, though, that despite letting him into her world, she still withheld from him physically. From the first day he had expressed his love for her, Sanjana had told him that she was not worthy of his feelings, not worthy of him even. She mentioned a thousand times of being flawed, something he could never quite comprehend. 

“How could you want to be with someone like me, Rakesh? With my million flaws?” She had asked him with tears welled up in her eyes when he first expressed his love for her eleven months ago. He looked softly into her eyes and asked what she had meant by flaws and without missing a beat, she rattled off an entire, almost non-exhaustive list of her self-perceived faults she thought she possessed. 

With a dull pain in her chest, Sanjana whimpered that she was not a good fit for him. She was not good enough, she said. Neither was she beautiful enough for a man like him, she had said. Rakesh gave her his ears, just as he always did, waiting for her to say everything he knew she had been dying to let out. She quoted her mood swings as a good enough reason for him not to be with her. She quoted her big waist, her massive frame, her huge thighs, her wish-it-was-flat stomach that often pushed itself forward, and her perpetual arm rolls. Too hairy, she argued. She screamed that her constant need for assurance may seem trivial now but was sure to tire him out in the long run. Sanjana went on, without a pause, spilling everything negative that she had believed about herself. When she finally fell silent, Rakesh started with a list, rebutting every point she had stated. 

“I have never thought that your stomach or thighs were too big, but maybe they are. Perhaps, you are bigger than everyone around you.  But, I love you for your big wit, the one that makes me laugh my worries away. I adore you for the big brain you have, the one that gives me the most random of trivia. God, Sanjana, I am grateful for these arms you say are too big, for I have never had comfort like I have when you embrace me. Who cares how big you think you are? God, Sanjana, I love how big your heart is, even to the people who don’t deserve your niceness,” Rakesh uttered, and in the sincerity of his words, she fell in love with him, with them, with love. 

When she remained silent, he made a rather long list of what he thought his faults were. He highlighted his short temper, his lack of faith in people, his rash nature, and the one that irked her slightly, his atheism. 

“Do you not love me despite my flaws, Sanjana?” Rakesh asked as she kept silent. Looking up at him, she nodded without any retort.  

“My love, you may think you are flawed, but my god, I am floored. I am not a man of words and I will never be able to fully explain this to you. But, Sanjana, I love you. I am in love with you. Perhaps, someday you will come to see that these flaws you think you have are not faults, but your traits. Everyone has these, don’t they?” He quizzed in a soft voice that he had reserved just for her, and in the sincerity of his words, she left behind her resolve to never fall in love with anyone. In his tender softness and persistence to no longer allow her to believe the terrible things she held within. He slowly but surely won her over. 

Yet, despite his reassurance, on their wedding night, she could not bear to bare her naked body to him. As their kiss ended that night in April, Rakesh attempted to shatter yet another one of Sanjana’s vulnerabilities, to let him see her as she was, to finally bare her body. He knew that she could react negatively, but he had not imagined that adverse a reaction even in his wildest dreams. The image of her horrified face was forever seared in his memory and it was excruciating to him to know that he had put her through that turmoil. As he endeavoured to undo his folly, she wept silently of her perceived bodily flaws that she claimed made her undesirable. 

“But, I am your husband now, Sanjana. There is nothing in the world that would make me love you less, no matter what you think or say, my love” He had whispered through his own agony. Yet, she could not be consoled. Tears continued to roll down her hot cheeks as she muttered incoherently. Without even catching her words, Rakesh knew what she was saying. That night, they went to sleep in each other’s arms, salt from their silent tears and heartbreak hanging in the air. They went a few days without talking about it as Rakesh knew it was not something Sanjana wanted to address just yet. But, before they knew it, eight weeks of their married life had rolled by and Rakesh knew they could no longer go on this way, not because he wanted to make love to the woman he loved more himself but solely for the woman he loved to death to start loving herself. 

“Rakesh, I am sorry… I am sorry that I am doing this to you… but I know that I…” her voice trailed off as yet another lump rose in her throat. As she searched desperately for the words she thought she needed to let him hear, he moved his right hand forward and placed it lightly, inches away from her left hand, and just as also, before he touched her, he asked her if she would be alright with his hand on hers. Nodding gently, Sanjana continued to look down at her pristine bed spread. She felt Rakesh’s warm palm enveloping hers and with that, she ditched her pathetic attempt to say anything else. There was nothing else she could say that he had not already heard. 

“Do you trust me, Sanjana?’ Rakesh asked a few seconds later. She jolted up at the mention of her name. He rarely addressed her by her name. He had several pet names for her, but occasionally used her name. Despite the wonderful feeling of him addressing her with the pet names he had for her, she knew there was no feeling like that when he said her name. It was almost as if her name was sacred. The utterance of each syllable of her name felt like music to her ears. Her name meant ‘creator’ in Sanskrit and her father had purposefully given her that name when he decided that his only daughter would become so powerful as to create her own future. Yet, every single time Rakesh took her name, she knew she was no creator. She had been Lord Ram's creation solely for this man named Rakesh Pillai. 

She could not comprehend the fact that he asked her such a question. Sanjana could have questioned gravity or the sun’s existence, but not once in the eleven months she had been head over heels in love with Rakesh, had she doubted him. Even when she had felt that he was too good to be true, she knew that this was a man who would not break her heart and she knew in her soul that she trusted him, even more than she trusted herself. 

“Of course, Rakesh. You know I do,” she whispered into the darkness. 

“Then, would you do as I say?” He quizzed softly. Clutching her dress once again, Sanjana looked up at her husband with tear-stained cheeks. Her shoulders slumped and she took a deep breath. She knew that her determination stood no chance against the steel resolve that Rakesh possessed. She watched in the dark as Rakesh stood up slowly. Still holding her hand, he tugged at it slightly and she stood up almost unwillingly.

There was no running away now and Sanjana knew she could back down no longer. As she stood in front of Rakesh, she pulled in another sharp breath. She shut her eyes so tightly she almost hurt herself. Taking quick and fast breaths, she tried desperately to calm her racing mind. A million thoughts ran in her mind while her heart beat faster than it ever had her whole life. She felt Rakesh’s hot breath on her neck and she knew he was inches away her. 

This would be it, she thought. Her husband, the most wonderful man she had known, the most beautiful man she had seen in her entire life, would now see the less than glorious parts of her, the parts she wished she could keep hidden from the rest of the world for the rest of eternity. He would see the rolls of flesh she had attempted to conceal with baggy clothes. He would see the stretch marks that stretched across her arms, her stomach, and her thighs. He would see the darkened skin that covered patches of her skin. He would see the acne scars that were scattered on her back. He would see the unpleasant hair that had grown all over her torso that she had always kept covered, away from his eyes. 

Behind her closed eyelids, she saw images of Rakesh. She had not seen him completely naked despite being married for two months now, yet his bare upper body alone had been enough to make her feel worse than she had already been feeling. He had the body of Adonis. Every inch of his smooth skin was caramel. His well-sculpted body was every inch a girl’s dream, perhaps even another man’s dream. And now, he was to have a rude shock when he undressed her for the very first time. Keeping her eyes closed, she prayed hard that he would not display the disgust he would feel upon seeing her body. She prayed harder to Lord Ram that he would mask it all so she would not not feel worse. She prayed the hardest when she wished for this to be over in a few minutes. With her eyes still closed, she prepared for him to unzip her dress. Instead, he led her by her hand a few feet away from where she had been standing. 

To the bed, perhaps, she told herself in her head. Mentally preparing herself for what was to come, she clenched her fists and waited for Rakesh to take the lead. Just then, she heard the flick of a switch and her eyes, despite being closed, picked up the sudden flash of light. Sanjana opened her eyes and saw that Rakesh had turned on the light in the room. As confusion filled her head, she turned to look at him. She was not even standing next to her bed. Sanjana had been led to her mirror, the long mirror she had insisted on buying when they designed their bedroom together. Sanjana looked up at Rakesh as he took a step back. Seeing the bright light seep through the room freaked Sanjana out. There was no way she could do this in this brightness. This would shed more light on her flaws, would it not? Her face creased with worry as Rakesh let go of her hand and slowly took a step back.

Placing himself behind her, he put his hands around her and held her from behind. As his hands made a home out of her waist, Sanjana leaned back against his core. She relaxed her body as she felt his hands tighten around her. Suddenly, she did not care that the light was turned on. Her head panicked but with Rakesh on her skin, her heart suddenly but quickly fell calm. Rakesh placed his chin on the crevice of her neck. As he breathed his heat on her skin, she put his hands on his. 

“Oh, to have this moment forever,” Sanjana murmured. 

“Promise me, my love, that you will not retreat from this,” Rakesh purred into her skin. A tear bloomed in Sanjana’s eye but she nodded without a word. With no warning, Rakesh dropped his hands and Sanjana was once again aware that she was standing in front of a mirror with the light turned on. Gently closing her eyes, she waited for Rakesh to move. His hand run across her collarbone before finding the nape of her neck. As his fingers sat on the nape of her neck, he whispered a soft but emotive ‘I love you’ into her ear. 

She felt Rakesh’s hand move away from her skin and find the zipper of her dress. This was it, she told herself. As the zipper came down, Sanjana stood still. She stood with her bare back facing him and waited for what was to come all while dreading the acne scars that speckled her back. Using both his hands, Rakesh slid the dress off her bare shoulders and it fell right off, collapsing into a pile on the floor. Sanjana did not dare move an inch, not even when Rakesh placed a soft kiss on her bare back. Just as her body protested and shuddered, Rakesh’s fingers found the clasp of her bra and within seconds, the piece of  lingerie came undone. Her heart quickened once again when she was aware that she was almost completely naked. Her hands itched to pull the duvet that lay on the bed behind her to cover the stretch marks and dark spots that covered her body. She knew that her flabby stomach was now in plain sight too. She wanted to hide in embarrassment but she knew Rakesh would not allow it. 

“Open your eyes, my love,” Rakesh spoke in a hushed tone. Even in the softness, the man knew exactly how to command her. She never once felt his presence or actions intimidating. If anything, he was the one person she had ever completely surrendered to. Hesitantly opening her eyes, she looked into the mirror. She saw Rakesh looking at her body in the mirror and lowered her eyes without saying anything. He was studying every inch of her body and there was nothing she could say. Once again, he commanded her, this time to look into the mirror. 

“I love you here,” he murmured as he traced the stretchmarks on her right breast. Sanjana looked away, embarrassment gnawing at her. Rakesh put his hand on her chin and directed her eyes once again to the mirror. 

“And I love you, in each one of these rolls you speak of,” he said as he ran his fingers, oh, his beautiful fingers, down the flabs that made up her stomach. 

“And I love you, in all of these,” he whispered as he trailed the stretch marks that ran across her waist. Sanjana had no words. She knew just what he was doing and her heart was about to burst. What love did this man actually harbour for her? She waited with her heart in her mouth and saw that he was now kneeling down in front of her. As he was sandwiched in between her and the mirror, she remained silent. Still kneeling, he placed his fingers on the inside of her thighs. His touch on her skin gave her goosebumps but anxiety quickly took over as she realised he was about to see one of the parts of her body she absolutely despised, her darkened inner thighs. Before she could say anything, Rakesh, with both his hands on her thighs, looked up at her. 

“& here, in this darkness that you claim to have, I love you more,” he uttered as he pushed her legs apart. She could not bear to watch him uncovering her physical weakness and in a dire attempt to escape the horror of it all, closed her eyes once again. Just as she did so, she felt Rakesh’s lips on her thighs. His soft lips sent shivers down her entire spine. She put her hands in his hair, his wonderfully curly hair, as he covered the vast area of her big thighs with soft, warm kisses, and almost instantly, she forgot why she had obsessed over them her whole life. Just then, she saw that his fingers were inching towards the only remaining piece of lingerie on her body

Before she could say anything, she felt his hands slide her underwear down and she knew there was no turning back. As he exposed her entire nakedness, Sanjana continued to sob softly, overwhelmed by everything that was happening. She had never been one to be entirely hairless and her feminine parts were no different. Just then, she was shamefully aware that it must not have been a pleasant sight. As a cruel trick, her mind flashed an image of the last model Sanjana had seen on a movie poster who was hairlessly stunning. As more hot tears forced themselves out of her eyes, Rakesh, this time using his commanding soldier voice, insisted she keep her eyes open. Just as she had before, she obeyed him yet again, this time to see him look her in the eyes. 

“& I love you here, my love,” he said out loud before planting another soft kiss on the hairs that concealed her femininity. The electricity that jolted Sanjana was something she had never experienced in her thirty-one years on this earth. But, it was not the electricity that intrigued her. Instead, it was the calm composure that had seeped into Sanjana’s heart that perplexed her. The anxiety that she had held in her heart, her body, and her soul had evaporated in those three minutes. Standing up, Rakesh took yet another step and put his arms around Sanjana once again, only this time she was completely naked. 

“I loved you when I had not seen any of this, and now that I have, my love, I love you, still. And something tells me that I might love you even in another fifty years,” Rakesh said before kissing her neck. It was at this moment that Sanjana understood what it meant to have your heart full. With tears still trickling down her cheeks, she leaned her head back, right against Rakesh’s shoulder, his firm shoulder that always gave her the comfort she needed. 

“But, it doesn't matter how much I love you. All I want is for you to love you. And I know, it may take time, but promise me, my love. Promise me that you will slowly learn to get there,” Rakesh cooed. Tilting her head towards him, she clinched on to her hands harder and nodded. Rakesh kissed her neck before releasing his grip on her. Turning towards her, he held her hands. 

“And, flaws or not, I love you. I always have, and I always will, just as I have in all my lifetimes before this, and just as I will in my lifetimes after this,” he said with his dashing smile. Breaking into a smile, Sanjana placed her lips on his for a kiss. In her head, she knew what came next. Now then he had gotten her to undress, it would finally be time to take things to the next level. As she waited for Rakesh to initiate the lovemaking, she was baffled when he picked up her dress to hand it to her. As she looked at him perplexed, he broke into a sweet smile. 

“We are not doing anything until you feel comfortable, my love. Not until you come to love your body the way I love your body,” Rakesh declared. Sanjana asked him if he could wait that long.

“My love, I have waited thirty-three years for this. I can wait a few more days, weeks, months, or even years. But, only when you love your flaws too,” and with that, he placed the dress in her hands before planting another kiss on her forehead. Winking at her, he turned to walk out of their bedroom and closed the door of the room. Sanjana smiled feebly at the closed door. 

As Sanjana dressed, she dried her tears. Sitting down on their marital bed, she clasped her hands. 

“Lord Ram. Sorry I ever doubted you. Sorry I thought you forgot about me when I was all alone all these years. I could not have found a better husband even if I had tried. I am sorry,” Sanjana whispered into the room. Before she could finish expressing her gratitude, she heard a knock on the door. Sanjana asked Rakesh to come in. As he sat on the bed next to her, she moved closer to him and placed her head on his shoulder. 

“Flawed yet floored huh? When did Major Rakesh Pillai get so corny?” she chuckled, comfortable against him. 

“Since Major Rakesh Pillai fell in love, and boy is he floored, Ma’am!” Rakesh retorted before shrugging his shoulders, causing Sanjana to be tickled. In that instant, she knew that she would come to love herself a little faster than she thought she would. In the depths of her heart, she finally understood what they meant by love was blind and she knew that it was time to love herself blindly. And yes, Lord Ram had not failed her. He had sent her just the right person, the right person not because he loved her so, but because he made her want to love herself so.

By Gaayathri Arasakumar