Drunk on Caffeine

By Raina Bhatia

I failed myself

Drunk on caffeine

Sludge through my veins

There’s an emptiness within

It makes my heart throb

Here I am

Wishing I was different

Perhaps more like you

Determined, focused

Eyes set on your aim

How can we be so opposite

And yet so same?

Your very being screams practicality

And mine,

Well, I don’t know

Mine just shifts the blame.

I’m frisky

I’m not who they think I am

I mean trouble

I mean hate

There’s this disastrous, lurking monster

That I just can’t seem to tame.

Steady beating of my heart

Yet I feel this constant pain

It’s dull and hollow and empty

Nothing feels the same

So change me

Change who I am

I am a failure

Incapable of succeeding

My ink bleeds my fears

Invisible tears streaming

Frozen moments of time

Where I wonder

Why play such a game

Fooling them or fooling myself

Isn’t it all just the same?

A broken heart can heal

It can learn to love again

But what can I do

To mend my broken soul again?

I’m barely the skeleton

Of who I used to be

Yet here I stand this day

Looking just the same

My body has its scars

None, the same

My soul often sets its traps

Sending me reeling in again

Help me recover

Help me keep sane

Or do I crave this battle?

Am I enjoying this game?

Tug of war

Life and death

No, that’s too dramatic

I’d like to live and not end this game

A game or a trap

Set ablaze this flame

When I think of those long gone nights

I’d say nothing,

Except me,

Is the same.

By Raina Bhatia