Dil Abhi Bhara Nahi

By Aanchal Ghai Samaira She looks beautiful. I can feel the whiskey climbing back up my throat. Focus! She warned you that this would happen, she warned you. I watch her laugh with Aaliyah and the diamond on her finger glistens in the bright lights. She hasn’t seen me yet. A line of overdressed girls filter in and I smile with her, with each flash. I wait till it’s just her, staring at herself in the mirror. “Hi” She smiles at my reflection and turns around. “Hi” “I have no words” “I have that effect on people, I’ve been told” “Stupid to joke right now” “What else do you want me to do?” “I don’t want you to get married” “Please, Samaira, not this again” She stands up and almost falls over because the lehenga seems to weigh more than her. I take her in and feel my heart thumping in my chest. I didn’t think it was possible for her to get prettier but she has, somehow. How is that fair? She’s staring at me and her hands are shaking. “You still make me so nervous, Sam. Even after all this time” I walk over to her and take her face in my hands. I will never get over how soft it is. Can skin even be this soft? She tears up and kisses me. I’m instantly transported back to the first night we spent together and my fingers start prickling. I run my hand over her bare stomach and hold back from grabbing what’s mine. “Jesus, Sam! It’s my wedding day!” I pull her close and kiss her till she cries out and squeezes my hand hard enough for her diamond to cut my knuckles. “Go get married. Have a great life.” Zoya The first time I met her, I was tipsy and in 5 inch high heels. I was focusing on not falling on my face and at the same time, give off the illusion of being in charge. I was big on being in charge back then. I was older than everyone in the room and that’s one thing that amplifies my need to act cool and collected. It’s slightly difficult to do that when you’ve had 4 vodka shots and you’re wearing stilts for shoes. “Do you want a Jägerbomb?” I blink at the person in front of me because there’s static in my head all of a sudden. I open my mouth to reply but nothing comes out. She narrows her eyes and we stand there staring at each other. “Um?” What I felt in that moment is difficult to put into coherent words but I’ll try anyway. It felt like everything around me was moving in slow motion and she was the center. It felt like I had known her my entire life. I remember holding onto the table just to make sure that it was all real. But it was, it was as real as you and me. See, the thing is, up until then, I had only dated men, I had only kissed men and I had only let men touch my precious lady parts. I loved their smell and how solid they were when you climbed on top of them or when they held your hand. The smell, though. It’s the smell that got me, every single time. She, on the other hand, was tiny, in a white dress and a leather jacket. She had long floppy hair that she clearly couldn’t be bothered to deal with. She smelled like a meadow, the opposite of every man smell in the universe, but I was still finding it difficult to get rid of the static in my head. The world turned upside down and all I could do was stand there and watch because even though nothing was in its place, it felt right. Like coming home, but on a different planet. I walked into that room that night at 10:06 PM and nothing was ever the same. It never could be. I’m walking down the stairs and I feel my heart pounding so hard, it almost hurts. My best friend squeezes my hand and I hold my breath to keep from bursting into tears. Except it would probably be okay, right? It’s what’s expected of me today. /Abhi na jao chod kar Ke dil abhi bhara nahi/ I see her floppy head in the distance and the urge to be close to her is so strong, I dig my nails into Aliyah’s arm.

She sleeps like the dead. I stroke her cheek and she continues snoring like a puppy. I love you so much, Samaira, it's like my body can't contain it any longer. Sleeping next to you and waking up with you, may be the best feeling in the world. I've always said that I'll be okay when this ends, because I always am, but I'm not too sure anymore and that's terrifying. It's hard to think about that when you're lying next to me with your little face next to mine and you smile and look at me like I'm everything you've ever needed. In that moment, it's really hard to care about all the pain that's coming my way. I turn to Aliyah and her eyes fill up with tears. “This isn’t how it should be” I look at my mom at the bottom of the stairs and my heart drops to my feet. She looks stunning and so happy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this happy. “They’ve found someone for me, Sam” “For what” “To marry” She slams down on the breaks and I feel my neck twist “What the hell, Sam!” “I’m sorry” She turns to me and takes my hands in hers “Sammy?” She’s staring at me. I know exactly what she’s thinking and I know how hard it is for her to say it out loud. She digs her nails into my wrist and I feel her break skin. “Tell me not to do it and I won’t. Tell me we’ll figure it out.” She kisses me and I bite her lip till she cries out and buries her nails further into my wrist. “I can’t do that” Samaira I’m watching her get married to someone who doesn’t know that she shivers when she’s happy or that she likes to be bitten till her neck is raw or that she can’t stop laughing if you kiss her stomach. She looks sad. She clings onto Aliyah and then her mother and then there it is. She’s sitting next to him. I’m not a writer, words are not my thing. I don’t understand poems and nuances go over my head. But the way we fit together, That I understand. Even when her henna covered hands are in someone else’s. I lock eyes with her and she bursts into tears. “Run away with me, Zo” “And go where? And do what?” “Wherever, how does it matter?” “You want to leave behind our lives here and disappear?” “Yes” “Okay” He’s doing everything he’s supposed to and she’s staring straight ahead, right at me, while he’s carefully sprinkling that wretched red powder close to her hairline. She’s crying without making a sound. I’ve bitten my lip so hard, I’ve reopened an old wound and it all seems so fitting, I can’t help but smile at her. She smiles back and my stomach turns. I’m never going to see that smile again. I’m never going to hold her again. I’m never going to feel her fingers stroking my cheek again. I’m never going to wake up next to her again. /Main thodi der jee toh loon Nashe ke ghuunt pi toh loon/ I swallow the bile that has finally made an appearance and shake my head. Focus! Another few minutes and she’ll be his forever. His. The room starts to spin and I wrap my arms around myself.

Zoya “How can you say that?” “Baby, calm down” I grab her shoulders and press my thumbs deep into her shoulders. I know I’m hurting her. “Do. Not. Tell. Me. To. Calm. Down” “Okay” I sink to my knees and burst into loud tears. She wraps her arms around me and I breathe in her smell. She still smells like a meadow and there’s something so hopelessly familiar about it now, but I know I’ll forget. Don’t we always forget? I pull her close and breathe her in for as long as I can. Smoke and beer. Always smoke and beer. What I feel for her can move mountains. It’s the kind of all consuming, destructive, obsessive addiction that the rest of the world reads about and sighs over. It’s the kind of love that doesn’t let me sleep because I want to be with her every second of every day. It’s the kind of love that makes me feel like I’m standing in the middle of a hurricane, with the entire world swirling around me but I’m holding her hand so it’s okay. It would always be okay. I pull back and blink at her. In that moment, the world shifts beneath my feet and flips back over, right side up. There’s a shower of marigold petals all around us and I feel one stick to my eyelash. I stare at her and watch tears fall down her cheeks. Her little Samaira cheeks. /Abhi toh kuch kaha nahi Abhi toh kuch suna nahi/ He clutches my hand. I finally look away from her. /Abhi na jaao chod kar ke dil abhi bhara nahi/

By Aanchal Ghai