Dig Deeper Into You

By Rebecca Susan John

Shoot ! I shouldn’t have been sick today. She looked so delicious. I wish I could just get a whiff of her hair. I have never been so close to her. She never lets anyone get closer to her except for her little sister Amy. That girl hovers around her like a Doberman guard dog. I wonder how good she would smell. Maybe like cinnamon and citrus fruits. Or maybe like  flowers on a hot summer day. Or maybe its something that I have not yet smelled, maybe its something new. But I wouldn’t get to experience it today. All I could do was just pull my cap closer to my face and get off the elevator.   My heart felt calmer standing away from all those people. Today’s classes were  done and I was free to do some shopping and get some meats. I was really craving something new after seeing her so close.

“Hi! Can I get that piece of  salmon and few pork kidneys?”

“Sure ! anything else?” 

I shook my head.  This interaction itself is too much for me. I nervously scratched the little mosquito bite on my hand as I waited for the lady to pack the meat up. Her stubby figure shuffled around behind the counter. She had the same figure as my aunt Lisa. My mom would leave me with aunt Lisa every summer till 8th grade . Aunt Lisa would belt me every night so that  the demons would leave my heart. Nothing changed. Those feeling were still there and it just made me more angry. Their mangy dog just stood looking at me  with his  decaying teeth staring back at me, like it was smiling. When I was in  8^th grade,  I killed that dog with a steel pipe. I was so scared back then,  but I still felt a sense of relief. 

“Here you go dear.”  My head snapped towards the lady’s voice, dragging me away from those days. I took the cover from the lady and looked around to see if anyone saw me zone out. As I looked, the tall person next turned towards my side, squinted at me, then smiled, and I realised it was her.

“ Gwen! Let’s go! We  are getting late”

It was Amy again.  She is really getting on my nerves now.

I paid for everything and left the store. The metro was crowded. I wished it would be just me in that compartment, with her sitting across me, reading with her chunky glasses, licking her fingers to turn the pages as her mind drifts to a different place. I  want to sit  next to her, put my head on her shoulder as the compartment rocks.

Cold air invited  me into my apartment. The yellow light in the kitchen flickered at first before it settled as I turned it on. I kept my groceries aside and started preparing the pork  kidney soup. I mindlessly made the soup like the many times  I’d done before, just like my mom used to when I was young. It was not that the soup was great but it was something that reminded me of her before she died. The days leading up to her death were filled with disillusion. Like the good father that my father pretended to be, he took care of my mother and me while she was alive. After my mom died in a car accident, he moved on quickly and married the young widow that lived on the edge of the town. I soon found out that it was not an accident when they started to get sloppy and thought they had gotten away with it. A small “mishap” at the workshop had him barrelling towards a tree with no brakes in his car, leaving him paralysed from the neck down, putting an end to the happy story they made for themselves with my mother’s death. Sometimes my father tries to call me, begging me to come home to help lift the wooden cross that my “new mom” has brought on herself. I fell asleep on the cold floor after taking the cold medicine. The soup I cooked remained half eaten in front of me. As I drifted to a dreamless sleep, I felt someone put a blanket over me, someone tall with glasses.

When I woke up, there was no blanket, it was just my imagination and the cold tiles only made my fever worse and I wanted something hot to drink. I  got ready earlier than the  usual to grab a cup of hot coffee before class. I walked into the coffee shop the near campus, breathing in the aroma of freshly brewed coffee and butter. The coffee shop had a bunch of  new faces. Seems like new students have found my spot. Maybe I need to  start looking for a new one soon. I looked around the shop as I stood in line to place my order and I saw from the corner of my eye Amy and Gwen, sipping on their coffees. I could feel my heart starting to  beat faster. The room started to feel unbearably hot.  I wanted to get out of my skin as it was suffocating  me.

I could talk to her now. She doesn’t seem to be in a hurry. I can maintain a  casual conversation without any issues.

But then Amy is there with her. I don’t want Amy to listen to me talk. And also Amy never lets any guy near Gwen.

What is the worst that can happen if I talk to her. I have to give it a try. I might not get an  opportunity like this again.

“Sir. Please say your order. There is a line waiting behind you.”

“I'm so sorry. One cappuccino please.”

My eyes kept darting to where they were as I paid and collected my coffee. As I walked towards them, the world around them seemed blurry, only their table came to focus. Gwen was going through her bag on the floor when I focused more on her.

“H-h-hi” Amy looked up from her book

“And who are you ?” Amy said with an almost disgusted look?

“I wanted t-to t-ta-talk to G-Gwen”

“I asked you a question. Who are you? Walking over here thinking you are some big  deal, stuttering all over ‘Can I t-ta-talk’, you pathetic loser.”

I  could feel the whole coffee shop stare me down. Then I heard her laugh. It was the first time I heard her laugh. But I wished she didn’t laugh at me. I really wished. It felt like  there was no more air left in that room  for me  to breath. I rushed out of the shop as quickly as I could.

She laughed at me. She laughed. Laughed at me.

Of course she laughed at  you! Just like Amy said, you are just a pathetic loser .

I AM NOT A LOSER

What do you have? You are so pathetic that a normal human would not talk to you. Haven’t you seen the look of scorn on their faces. Never mind. You leave all of them. What about her? Your dear “Gwen”. The one you keep so high in your mind. The epitome of innocence and purity, someone greater than Mother Mary, right? She  used to remind you of your mother.  Is that true now? Are you still convinced that she is god?

Don’t go there, she didn’t do anything.

Oh so she needs to do more for you to remove her supreme figure from the pedestal that she is on. She just sat there while her sister was openly rude to you for no reason and then laughed behind her hands when Amy made fun of your stutter. Or do you know the truth that you are just a human maggot, beneath all beings. That you deserve to be treated like the sewer rats.

No…but…

But what? She is just like all  of them, if you are conventionally acceptable, they are kind with a heart of gold. When you are not, they don’t think of you as human, just background character to their stories. You are not worth anything to anyone. 

But I never did anything wrong to them. They have never interacted with me.

They don’t need to. They have already made up their minds. They are not going to ‘see you for you'. Not Gwen and definitely not Amy. And lets be honest, you are not some angel. Is there something that you have not told anyone? You are nothing more than a creep.

I mindlessly walked into class and went to my usual seat in the back. There was no one in that bench. Did  everyone see me as an outcast without ever even talking to me. I know that it is not their responsibility to talk to me but did they all just assume that I am something else. 

The classes got over in what seemed to be just few minutes. As I walked around the campus to head to the exit, I noticed people sneaking dirty looks at me, or they just turned their head the other way. 

I reached my apartment after walking around in what was almost a daze. I honestly don’t remember how I got back. The harsh sunlight pouring into the apartment didn’t help me. I ungracefully fell on the mattress laying on the floor. The campus was holding some new event again about something or the other. They always have something to celebrate or to push on to the students going there. I don’t want to go but staying in the apartment is driving me crazy. The thoughts quietened  slowly as I drifted away to a dreamless sleep.

I woke up sweating. 

Mindlessly I scrolled through various posts on my phone. Everyone seemed to be so happy. I never posted anything. I always felt like I don’t have anything happy to show to people. As I scrolled, I found a  post that I think belonged to someone in one of my classes. He had one arm around Gwen. She was wearing an angel costume, laughing with her eyes closed.

How ironic

I turned my phone off and just stared at the ceiling. The water damaged spot on the ceiling looked like a smiling dog. I pushed myself to wake up, throwing on a jacket as I stepped out of the apartment, pulling the hood closer to my face.

The  sun has started to  set and the  sky  has turned dark. There was some kind of function meant for the fresher students going on. Unable to sit alone with my thoughts I left the house to go to the campus. Even though I hated being in closed places with a huge crowd, it felt soothing to be in those huge waves of people, not known by anyone, a sort of peace and solitude finds me. I always imagined that those moments would be priceless with Gwen next to me. Now I hear her laughs  directed towards me when I walk  among the crowd, almost morphing in something unrecognisable, something strange yet familiar. The feeling started to get too uncomfortable. I moved away from the crowd swarming towards the auditorium and headed to the dark department buildings, with only few lights on, probably maintenance. The pathway was filed with uneven stones and pebbles. Mindlessly I kicked a larger pebble around as I moved forward. Then I heard that familiar laugh, the one I heard today morning. My face started to warm up. Ahead of me, Gwen was there, talking to someone on the phone, laughing.

Maybe she is laughing about what happened today. Telling someone special about the creep who tried to talk to her. Maybe they also know you. Maybe they are also recounting about how much of a awkward slimy creep you are. Maybe…

Stop! Please…

You know it to don’t you. You know it that you are only meant to be laughed at and shunned. You know! Or you would have said something. Do something. No you won’t, right? 

Shut up!

Do  something about it !

SHUT UP!

DO SOMETHING!

Something got over me and I picked up the bigger stones that lined  the  pathway. With strength that I didn’t know I had in me I threw it at Gwen. The stone  hit her head with a crack sound and she collapsed to the ground. I ran towards her and dragged her towards me. Her eyes became blurry with tears and then closed. I threw her over my shoulder. She was surprisingly lighter than I  thought. I pushed myself to walk, forcing myself to forget that Gwen is hurt and I hurt her.

There is an abandoned building nearby. Take her there before anyone finds you.

I reached the building with Gwen and as I expected, no  one was there.  I carried her to the 3^rd floor where I sometimes hang out. As I opened the creaking door, I noticed the burner and plates I left there. No one has been here after I left. I dragged the body to the bathroom and laid her in the bath tub. As I looked in the mirror, I saw that her blood dripped over shoulder from  her head.

The blood from her body…

I quickly checked her pulse. There was something faint still beating in her. 

A hand quickly grabbed my wrist and pulled me. Mindlessly I pulled my hand back. The hand didn’t give up the grip. The force pulled the body towards the sink and she hit her head on it. Whatever was left in her slipped away, she laid peacefully on the floor. 

Next to me there was a huge knife. How did it get here? Gwen started to choke again. I put an end to her suffering with the knife. I slit her throat with the knife. But I kept going, pressing the knife down, harder and harder. I cut through her neck. Now she truly looks peaceful. I carefully took her head and placed  it on the almost broken dinning table.

I started to feel hungry. ‘I could eat her…’ 

I went back to the bathroom,  took the knife and cut  out a  piece of her thigh. Carefully  I washed the meat under the sink. The blood formed pretty patterns mixed with water. I slowly peeled the skin away from the meat. I  took the meat to the dining table, cut  it into smaller  pieces and placed it on the paper plates I left behind last time. Then I placed one in front of me and one in front of her. I sat down, finally.

“Finally, I get  too talk to you. All alone. For the first time. Have a  piece. Don’t hesitate.”

A laughed escaped me. I took a piece of meat and ate it, chewing slowly. I could observed her  features up close.  Her eyes were partially closed with her lips parted slightly. Blod that dripped from her head clotted over her eyes and nose. She was so beatiful.

She was so beautiful.

 She is gone.

She is dead and I  killed her.

SHE IS DEAD AND I KILLED HER!

The neck of my jacket felt tight. I pulled it of me. My  neck was still feeling constricted. I couldn’t breath. I ran. I ran as fast as I could. The stench  of blood felt overpowering. I couldn’t forget. It was all over me. The blood. I tore my shirt of and ran outside the building. It was pouring. The cold  drops felt like acid as it fell on my skin.  

A bright light blinded me. 

Finally an end.

                                                                          *****

The truck ran over the half naked man. I am sure it killed him. But I still pull over and call the police. What if they can save him?

                                                                         *****

“Yes mom. Amy is next to me.”

“Take care of her. You know how she has a bad temper. Don’t get her in any trouble” my mom said

“Yes mom. But she takes care of me more and you know that.”

“I still  remember the time when she would beat up your bullies. I now laugh thinking about it.”

 I laughed. It was hilarious seeing her beat up two boys even when she was tiny.

“Ok mom I got to go. Bye”

I turned to Amy. Her face seemed angry.

“What happened here? I was on call for just a few minutes and you are already angry?”

“It was nothing, just some creep.” Amy said with a scrunched up face.

“Don’t go on making trouble  with  people, it will bite you back”

“I know sis, I know.” 

By Rebecca Susan John